Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut
by I Am the Almighty Person
Summary: Paper Mario 1 as you were never intended to see it! When Bowser lifts Princess Peach's castle up into the sky and gravely injures Mario, a zany new adventure unfolds. Rated T for language and some mature themes. Please read and review! COMPLETE!
1. The Oh So Wonderful Introduction

**Author's Note: **Okay, here it is, a parody of Paper Mario written by me. I hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing here, of course. Everything in this fic is copyrighted to their respective owners.

**Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut**

**Introduction**

Greetings to you all, ladies and gentlemen. Today I am going to tell you a wonderful little story about the honorable Star Spirits, the higher beings that eternally watch over the Mushroom Kingdom…

You see, these Spirits live very high up in the sky, higher even than the clouds themselves. Even higher than the Goodyear blimp, they stayed! But I'm just getting carried away now. In Star Haven, the Star Spirits would nearly always watch over the sacred Star Rod, the super-cool glittering thingy that had forever granted the heartfelt wishes of citizens all across the Mushroom Kingdom. But then, one fateful day, everything in Star Haven changed forever…

Hey! Who took a shit on the next page of the storybook?!

"How dare you!" said the elderly female Koopa wearing a purple cloak that had been stuck into the next page. "I am the beautiful Magikoopa witch, Kammy Koopa!"

"And I stuck her into this story!" yelled a large, fierce Koopa with flaming red hair and piercing yellow horns perched atop his head. "Ha-ha, yep, that was me!"

"Uh…what on earth is going on?" asked Skolar, a purple Star Spirit of high intelligence.

"Beats me," responded Muskular, a young, strong, light-blue Star Spirit.

The large Koopa, none other than King Bowser Koopa himself, cackled evilly. "Now I'm going to have Kammy steal your precious Star Rod. Finally, after years of wishing, it took me a long night of thinking, and I realized that I could just fly up here and take the very source of my ungranted wishes, therefore having the ability to grant them myself. Ever since I was a young lad, I've been fighting that stupid fat plumber Mario. In those times, I constantly hoped that the stars would bring my deepest wishes to a reality. Shame that never happened! It looks like now I need to have my wishes granted with force! I can finally have that pony I always wanted, too! Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time when I asked Kamek for a pony?…"

"Could we please hurry this up?" mumbled Mamar, a yellow Star Spirit wearing a bow, uninterestedly.

"Huh?" said Bowser dumbly. "Oh, yeah. Do it, Kammy!"

"As you wish, sir!"

And so, Kammy Koopa lifted her wand, emitting a giant orb of bright light that encased the Star Rod, imprisoned the seven Star Spirits in pretty yellow bubbles, brightened up the sanctum, washed the dishes, and played the kazoo.

"Aah! Knock it off right now, Bowser!" cried Misstar, the young pink Star Spirit wearing a long ribbon.

"You fiend!!" bellowed Eldstar, a white-bearded yellow star and oldest of the Star Spirits.

"Aw, quiet, all of you. You'll be much safer in captivity with my associates," said Bowser airily.

"Damn right!" cackled Kammy.

Bowser suddenly looked very serious. "Shut up, Kammy. Now, let's go and paint the kingdom red!"

"Bwahahahaha!…Oh, er…wait…I forgot to send the Spirits away. Silly me!"

"Erm…yeah," said Bowser irritably. "Hurry up, then. I'm getting impatient."

Kammy transformed all the Star Spirits into large playing cards—

"Oh boy! I've always wanted to play blackjack using you pesky Star Spirits as cards!" said Bowser as he rudely interrupted my narration.

—And cast one final wave of her wand, sending the Star Spirits flying across the land.

"Aw man…" whined Bowser, looking disappointed.

Bowser and Kammy both laughed evilly and flew off; Kammy on her broomstick, Bowser in his flying Koopa Kar.

Uh…Yeah…After all that nonsense, our epic story begins, I suppose…I like putting dots at the end of my sentences……

**Elsewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom**

It was a peaceful Wednesday morning at the Mario house, and a middle-aged Paratroopa mailman flew up to the revered mailbox of Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, carelessly throwing a pink envelope inside.

"COCK A DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOO!" the Paratroopa called out, and swiftly flew away, giggling mischieviously.

"_That damned bird!_" shrieked Luigi from inside the house. "_Mark my words, I'll wring his neck one of these days!_"

"You've been saying that for the past twenty years, and you still haven't gotten to it," said Mario sleepily.

"Oh, I dunno," said Luigi in a suddenly sweet, sappy voice, "maybe it's because he KEEPS DISAPPEARING BEFORE I CAN GET MY POOR, HARD-WORKING ASS OUT HERE TO KILL HIM!!"

Mario giggled.

"What?" snapped Luigi.

"You said 'ass'," Mario mumbled through stifled chuckling.

Luigi sighed with exasperation. "Alright, might as well see what we have for mail." He opened the mailbox. "Bill, bill, bill, party invitation, bill, party invitation, free gift certificate, discount offer at Cheep-Mart, bill…"

"Uh, Luigi?" said Mario. "There's nothing in there but a pink envelope."

Luigi then looked very sad. "Just trying to make ourselves look important," he muttered, seemingly on the verge of tears.

Mario rolled his eyes. "Let me read the letter, bro." He picked the envelope out of his sobbing brother's hands, opened it, and cleared his throat. "Ahem…

_Dear Mario and Luigi,_

_I'm throwing my 500th weekly party at the castle today! There will be lots of vomit-inducing food, mediocre entertainment, and Bowser crashing the party as he always does for your own pleasure. I do hope you two will come, or else I'll cry to Toadsworth and force him to hire assassins and set them loose on your sorry asses!_

_Sincerely yours,_

_Princess Peach_"

"Sounds like fun," said Luigi as he dried his tear-stained face with a handkerchief. "I won't go, though."

"Huh? Why not?" asked Mario suspiciously.

"I've got important business to tend to," said Luigi. "Just run along to the princess' crappy little party, okay? Don't bother me."

Mario smiled devilishly. "Yeah, of course you've got some important business to take care of, bro. I understand. See ya later, Little Miss Cries-A-Lot!"

Luigi smiled weakly as Mario entered the pipe to Toad Town. "See you later, big br—Wait a second, what did you just call me?!"

Mario entered Princess Peach's castle casually and walked up to the door that led to Princess Peach's private quarters--

"MARIO!" bellowed Toadsworth, Peach's caretaker. "KEEP AWAY FROM THE PRINCESS' COIN PURSE!"

Okay, so that didn't work so well…

Mario then went up one floor, completely ignoring every person who walked up to him, dropped to the floor, and cried, "_We are not worthy!_" just as any helpless citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom would do.

Mario went into Peach's _real_ private quarters, which happened to be a large balcony with several windows that overlooked the lush forest below. Princess Peach then noticed Mario walking in and rushed over to him.

"Mario! It's so great to see you!" Peach cried gleefully, hugging Mario.

"Yeah, yeah, let's get this over with, already," mumbled Mario. "Oral, right?"

"Actually, Mario, I thought we could just have a friendly chat," said Peach, raising an eyebrow. "How've you been doing? Been kicking a lot of villain rump lately?"

"If you're not kidnapped, then no, of course I haven't been kicking villain rump," said Mario impatiently.

Just then, a violent earthquake struck the ground, and the entire castle began shaking with high intensity.

Mario moaned. "Oh no, it's Super Mario RPG all over again!"

Peach didn't bother responding, however; she simply looked out the window to see her castle rising up into the night sky, her jaw literally dropping to the floor. She noticed a tiny silhouette rapidly flying toward the window she looked out of, and it crashed through the window as she stood there like a complete idiot, glass showering her.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" cried the villainously villainous villain as he hovered low to the ground behind Mario. Mario turned around, rolling his eyes, already knowing who it was.

"So Mario, did you miss me any?" said—you guessed it—Bowser, as Kammy Koopa loomed over his head on her broomstick.

"What's up with the flying fat worm in a cloak?" said Mario in a very unexcited tone.

"YOU LITTLE FAT BASTARD!" screamed Kammy. "I AM KAMMY KOOPA, MOST BEAUTIFUL OF ALL MAGIKOOPAS AND SECOND-IN-COMMAND TO LORD BOWSER!"

Mario snorted, and decided to begin the trash-talking game. "Beautiful? I've seen more beautiful things in my toilet after Burrito Night. And I thought Kamek was ugly! Tell me, Bowser, do you get all your stupid little associates from the Coin Store, or what?"

Bowser was now clearly pissed off. "Oh, I'll show you, fatass! Bring it on!" A gong sounded seemingly out of nowhere, and a pretty much useless battle sequence began.

**BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 5

VS.

Bowser HP: WHO THE HELL KNOWS? FP: DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE

Mario does a jump attack. Big whoop. Does 1 damage to Bowser.

Bowser does Claw Swipe. Does 10 damage to Mario.

Mario gave off a generic scream and fell to the ground.

**END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

"Wow," said Bowser, wide-eyed. "I didn't expect you to give up so easily."

"What in the HELL?!" screamed Mario. "NO WAY! How on earth could you have beaten me that easily?"

Bowser shrugged, and Mario made an annoyed wail, starting a tantrum in the way a six-year-old would. Mario ran all around the private quarters of Princess Peach's castle, tearing furniture up and slapping Bowser.

"I don't have the time for this…" Bowser muttered. He took out a large glowing thingy from his shell and laughed. "See this, Mario? It's the Star Rod from Star Haven and blah blah blah blah blah." Bowser made himself invincible, summoned a lightning bolt from who-knows-where, and blasted the tantrum-throwing Mario right out of the castle.

"MARIO!" cried Peach.

"I CAAAAAAAN SSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE MMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSEEEEE FRRROOMMMM HEEEEEEEEEEEERREEEEEEEEEE!" she heard Mario yell as he fell through the sky.

"MARIO!" she cried again.

"I CCCCCCCCAAAAAAAN SSTILL SSSSSEEEE ITT!" Mario yelled.

"MARIO!" Peach cried yet again.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY, I DOOON'T SSSSEEEEE ITTTTT ANNNNNNNYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEE……" Mario yelled uneasily as he continued to drop to the ground far, far below, his voice fading away…

"MMMMMMMAAAAAAARI"—Okay, this is getting very annoying.

**The Sky**

Meanwhile, Mario was_ still _falling through the sky, wondering what he got himself into. As he fell, a large ship flew out of the clouds, and he splattered on the windshield like a bug.

Inside the ship, the Axem Rangers heard a loud thudding sound at the front of the ship, and wondered what had happened.

"GREEN!" yelled Axem Red. "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?!"

Axem Green looked at the windshield that Mario had now slid off of, and shrugged.

**Author's Note: **And that does it for the introduction. Stay tuned, there's more to come later! And don't forget to review!


	2. Prologue: The Stars Whine To Mario

**Author's Note: **Now, ON WITH THE PROLOGUE!

**Disclaimer: **Again, I own nothing in this fic, everything is copyrighted to their respective owners.

Prologue: The Stars Whine to Mario about Stuff 

A young female Goomba around the age of eight had been walking through the forest for the sake of getting some fresh air when she noticed Mario, bloody and bruised, lying limp on the ground.

"Oh my gosh!" she yelled. After running up to the beaten figure, she examined him thoroughly (not that thoroughly, you perverts).

"Hmm…Goofy red hat….stupid blue overalls…outrageous mustache….has no permit to fall in the middle of the forest at any time…" the small Goomba wrinkled her eyebrow. "Y'know, this could be the one and only Wario!"

"**CUT!!**" shouted a loud off-screen voice. "**GOOMBARIA, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY 'Y'know, this could be the one and only Mario'!!!"**

The Goomba rolled her eyes. "Right, right…Ahem: Y'know, this could be the one and only Mario!" She looked around nervously, wondering what to do with him. After poking him with a stick, a hot fireplace tong, and the mythical Sword of Flames, and seeing that he wouldn't move, she called out, "MOM! DAD! WE GOT OURSELVES A NON-MOVER!"

Some Toad House 

Mario had been asleep for some time in a Toad House now, and a neato little hologram of Eldstar the Star Spirit materialized in the house, darkening it slightly.

"Mario…I must…Tell you….some…thing…" he wheezed in a crackly voice. "Ugh, screw this. Listen, I just want you to come to some place called Shooting Star Summit, alright? See you later, you lazy slob."

The hologram disappeared as a Toad entered the house.

"Might as well wake him up," the Toad said out loud. He shook Mario a little, but Mario didn't move at all. He shook Mario a little harder.

Nothing.

He took out a sharpened stick and poked Mario.

Nothing yet.

He took out a fireplace tong and nearly stabbed Mario.

Still nothing.

The Toad finally lost his patience, got out the mythical Sword of Flames, and Mario screamed, "**I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE!!**" right before he could be greeted by a sword in his ass.

The Toad was huffing with exasperation. "Finally," he mumbled. "Just get out of here."

Mario exited the Toad House and noticed that he was in a one-house village populated by a Goomba in a blue cap, an older Goomba with a black mustache, a female Goomba housewife, an old gray-haired female Goomba, and the same little Goomba girl that found him in the forest. How it can be a village with one house, I have absolutely no idea. Mario walked over to the housewife and asked her where the path to Toad Town was. Strangely, the housewife Goomba known as Goomama simply dropped to the floor and began rising up and down in front of Mario.

"I am not worthy! I am not worthy!" Goomama moaned. The other Goombas, except for the Goomba boy, Goombario, also dropped to the ground and began praising Mario and chanting the same thing.

"What on earth is going on?" Mario asked Goombario.

Goombario sighed. "My whole family is full of Mario fans. I think you're a great guy, but nothing to chant over. Goompa, my grandpa, feels the same. I swear, I feel so different from the rest of them sometimes."

Mario patted Goombario's shoulder sympathetically. "No need to worry, you weird little kid. You're probably just adopted."

Goombario looked wide-eyed at Mario for a second, then began to cry loudly.

The rest of the Goomba family turned to look at Mario. "My gosh!" cried Gooma. "The devil has made Goombario sad!"

"LET'S GET HIM!" yelled Goompapa.

"ITALIAN ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE, YUM YUM!" yelled Goombaria, licking her lips.

"What the…I'm the devil now?! Make up your minds already!!" Mario screamed like a sissy and ran from the family, right out to the veranda of their house.

Problem was, the veranda wasn't there anymore.

Mario looked down and back up repeatedly, and it finally hit him.

"Oh, fu-" Mario said, right before he suddenly dropped through the sky.

All the way down, he screamed, "DAMMITHOWMANYMORETIMESAMIGOINGTOHAVETOFALLFROMHIGHPLACESUNTILTHEDAYIDIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE……" Mario finally hit the ground with a thud.

He got up and looked around, noticing a very old male Goomba lying on the ground near him. "Hey man, you all right?" Mario called out.

The Goomba got up. "Yeah," he said curtly. "Who're you?"

"Uh, hello?" said Mario in a rather conceited tone. "I'm only Mario, the elder of the Mario Brothers and savior of the freaking Mushroom Kingdom! You're trying to say you've never heard of me?"

"No, I haven't," said the Goomba. "I just don't recognize anything or anyone that's 'hip' nowadays."

"Oh," said Mario flatly.

"Yep," said the Goomba somberly. "My name is Goompa. Pleased to meet you. And guess what? Instead of going on some stupid worthless fetch quest, I'll just give the Hammer to you, alright?"

"Sounds good to me!" said Mario, gladly taking the Hammer.

YOU GOT THE HAMMER!! 

**NOW YOU CAN FINALLY DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN SOME LAME JUMP ATTACK!**

"Now, let's get back home," said Goompa. "By the way, could you hit that tree over there? Goombaria's doll is stuck up there."

"Whatever," said Mario. He went up to the tree, gave a careless whack of the hammer, and raised an eyebrow as a Michael Koopson Tickle Doll fell out.

"And you let your granddaughter play with this?" Mario asked Goompa.

"I certainly don't, yet her mother keeps insisting that he's some innocent 80's pop star. And I don't wanna argue with my daughter." Goompa shuddered. "Such a bloodthirsty young woman she's become."

Mario wasn't even listening, just picking his nose absentmindedly. "Uh, yeah, sure, Gramps!" he said suddenly.

Just then, a small, angry-looking Koopa still in his eggshell ran up to the duo.

"HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?! AS SOON AS I COME BACK FROM MY CHOCOLATE MILK BREAK, I FIND SOME WRINKLY OLD GOOMBA AND A SMELLY MIDDLE-AGED PLUMBER IN MY PRECIOUS PLAYGROUND?!!" he screamed.

"Here we go," Goompa said in exasperation. "This is Jr. Troopa, the neighborhood bully who hates many things such as curry and Mario fanfics, but _especially_ hates when people are in his playground."

**BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 5

Jr. Troopa HP: 5 FP: N/A

Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 1 damage.

"OW!" yelled Jr. Troopa. "DARN YOU!"

Jr. Troopa charges his attack power by 4.

Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 1 damage.

"THAAAAAAT'S IT!" screamed the energetic little Koopa.

Jr. Troopa charges at Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario got back up, a look of murder in his eye. For a minute, he looked as if he would rip Jr. Troopa to shreds, then he…threw a tantrum.

"_GGAAAAAAAAAHHH! THIS IS SO FREAKING UNFAIIIIIIIIIIIR!"_ he screamed as he ran around tearing up the battle stage.

Mario ends his violent tantrum. Does 0 damage to Jr. Troopa.

Jr. Troopa snickered, getting ready to finish off Mario. However, before Jr. Troopa could hit him, Mario got out the Michael Koopson Tickle Doll and used it as a shield. The Koopa's attack hit the doll straight in the crotch.

"_HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! THAT TICKLES!! HEE HEE HEE!_" the doll yelled in a high, shrill voice. Jr. Troopa then paused, his eyes the size of plates.

"Aaaaaah! No, not Michael! Not Michael!" he moaned, and ran away, screaming "I'M JUST AN INNOCENT LITTLE KOOPA!!!!!!!!! MOOOOMMMY! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF ME, MARIO!"

"Uh…okay then…" Mario said in a completely dumbfounded tone.

**END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

"Way to go, Mario!" cheered Goompa.

The two of them went back up to Goomba Village. As soon as they entered the gate, Goombaria came up to them, crying.

"WAAAAAH! GOOMPAAA! Where are you?! I already have the funeral planned!" she wailed.

"Relax, Goombaria," said Goompa in a reassuring voice. "I'm back now."

Goombaria gasped. "GOOMPA!" She went up to him, hugged him, and turned to Mario.

"Thank you for reviving him, O Great Mario! Oh, and you even got my tickle doll back! Thank you so much." Goombaria jumped up and gave Mario a large kiss.

Mario had some sort of very brief violent convulsion. "Please excuse me a minute," he said hastily. He ran to the outhouse, and loud puking sounds could be heard. After around a half hour of hurling in the toilet, Mario stumbled out as Goombario rushed up to him.

"Hey, Mario! I heard you were on a journey to rescue that dumb broad Princess Peach, and Goompapa said I could go with you! And guess what, I'm not adopted after all!" He grinned victoriously.

Mario looked over at Goombaria, noticing that she was now playing with her Michael Koopson doll, giggling as she tickled its crotch area. He felt the urge to puke again, and grumbled, "Whatever, just as long as we can get out of here immediately."

Mario and Goombario hurried to the exit gate, and after Mario destroyed the large, soft, light-as-a-feather block that guarded the gate with his hammer, the two of them hastily said goodbye to the rest of the Goomba family. As the two left, the family once again broke into chanting. "_Farewell, O Mighty God! Farewell!_" they cried.

**The Path to Toad Town**

After a few short battles with Goombas, Spiked Goombas, Paragoombas, and the infamous Insurance Salesman Goombas, Mario and Goombario came to a part of the path that ended at a spring to get to the ledge that stopped the normal path. Before they could jump on the spring, two large Goombas, a red one and a blue one, ran up to the ledge.

"HALT!" yelled Red Goomba.

"SALT!" yelled Blue Goomba. Red Goomba looked at him angrily. "Sorry…" said Blue Goomba.

"Who're you guys?" Mario asked.

"Oh, nobody," said Red. "Just the Goomba Bros. OF PURE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!"

"…yyyeah. Anyway, could you let us through, by any chance?" said Goombario in a rather non-thrilled tone.

"I'm sorry, but the honorable Goomba King lets no one pass! You have to fight us, bubs!" said Red Goomba airily.

"Yes, that's right," said Blue Goomba. "We're acting like complete and total assholes to you two, yet we say that we're sorry. Are we cool or what?"

"Let's get this over with," mumbled Mario.

**BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 10

Goombario HP: WHO KNOWS? FP: OOOOOH, MYSTERIOUS!

Red Goomba HP: 5

Blue Goomba HP: 3

"Watch and learn, kid," Mario whispered to Goombario.

Mario uses a Fire Flower. Does 3 damage to both Red and Blue Goomba.

"Ooooooooh…" Blue Goomba fell to the ground, knocked out.

"BLUE! OH MY GOD!" yelled Red Goomba. He rushed over to Blue, kneeled down, and began crying in a rather overdramatic moment as romantic music played in the background.

"You're kidding me…" said Goombario, chuckling. Both him and Mario ran up to Red and…well…beat him up, of course.

**END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Both Goomba Brothers laid unconscious on the ground as the Goomba King ran over.

"What on earth has happened here? My servants lost to a fat sweaty man and a chocolate chip in a baseball cap?!" he cried.

Goombario then looked at the Goomba King menacingly. "_Oh NO YOU DIDN'T!_" Goombario yelled, and headbonked the Goomba King square in the forehead.

The Goomba King just sort of stood there a moment, then began tearing up. "You…you…" he began whimpering. "YOU GAVE ME A BOO-BOO!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" He then began to run back to his castle, missed the door, and ran off the cliff, ending this battle unusually fast.

"Wow," said Goombario in sheer, flat amazement.

"Wow indeed," said Mario, getting ready to blow up the Goomba King's castle. After the dynamite went off, the castle strangely blew to smithereens and then formed a bridge that went to the other side of the large abyss. Don't try that at home, children!

The duo crossed over to the other side and advanced to Toad Town, while Kammy Koopa stood next to the pathway, watching Mario and Goombario.

"Hey there, Kammy," said Mario absentmindedly, waving at the snickering old Koopa as she flew off. "Wait a minute…..what?" he then said in confusion as he left the screen.

Peach's Castle 

"That's right, Your Angryness," Kammy said tensely to Bowser after he first heard the news, then fainted and recovered…twice. "Mario has indeed defeated the Goomba King and the Goomba Bros.!"

"How is this possible?!" Bowser yelled in anguish. "The only reason I made the Goomba King a king was because he gave me a good time—er, I mean…_formally negotiated_ with me last night, so I made him one using the Star Rod. And now he fails me?"

"No worries, sir," Kammy said, attempting to reassure Bowser. "I've hired a group of super-cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ripoffs to finish off Mario once and for all. Lord Bowser, I give you the Koopa Bros.!" A loud fanfare sounded as four Koopas with ninja headbands ran into the room.

"'Sup, dudes and dudettes?" said the Koopa with the yellow headband.

"Uh..nothing much, I suppose," Bowser mumbled in surprise. He turned to Kammy. "Are you sure these guys can get the job done?" he growled.

"Of course, sir. They're professionals!" she responded.

"Alright then. You guys got any real cool special moves to beat Mario with?" Bowser asked, turning back to the brothers.

"We sure do!" squawked Red, the Koopa with the red headband. Out of nowhere, "_Get It on Tonight_" by Montell Jordan started playing as the Koopa Brothers began a strip-tease—

"Er—no! Not that one!" Kammy cried hastily. "The other one!"

The music changed to hardcore speed metal as the Koopa Brothers showed their special _battle _move to Bowser.

"Hmm? Oh…yes…that's excellent! Yes! Oh…YES!!" Bowser began to yell rather suggestively.

As soon as they finished, Bowser asked, "So, who's guarding Eldstar at the fortress while you guys are here?"

Black, the Koopa with the black headband, said, "Uh……"

Bowser's eyes then became very wide. "YOU MORONS! QUICK, GET BACK THERE! **_NOW, DAMN IT!_**"

The Koopa Bros. scurried off as fast as their boots could carry them.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle…

"Oh, what am I to do?" Princess Peach wondered out loud. "I got my stupid self captured again, along with several other people! I'm such a terrible princess for this kingdom! I wish someone could help me right now…"

A few minutes later, a small Star Kid flew through her balcony window and hit her in the head.

"GAAAAH! A BUG!" she shrieked, grabbing her frying pan.

"NO! DON'T!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!—" The Star Kid's scream was cut short as Princess Peach smacked him with the frying pan repeatedly until he was lying on the floor in a puddle of blood. He then got back up slowly, much to Peach's relief after realizing who she had hit.

"Are you okay? I'm really sorry," said Peach remorsefully, cradling the Star Kid in her arms.

"Oh, I'm just fine. Other than a large bruise, a bleeding lip, a scar across my forehead, and a few broken limbs, I'm doing absolutely fine and dandy!" the kid said in annoyance.

"Who are you?" Peach asked.

"I'm Twink, a Star Kid from Starborn Valley in the Shiver region," he responded. "And before you ask, no, I can't get you out of here."

Peach cursed under her breath, and decided to start a conversation with Twink. After talking for a while with him, she realized that he was sent to help her when she wished for help.

Peach then asked, "Hey, Twink?"

"Yeah, princess?"

"Could you give this to Mario?" She handed Twink a small star-shaped pendant. "It's called the Lucky Star. It should help him somehow…" her voice trailed off. _Oh, Mario…_ she thought.

"How does it help him, exactly?" Twink asked curiously.

"How the hell should I know?" Peach snapped.

Twink sighed, and flew out the balcony to look for everyone's favorite fat sweaty middle-aged Italian plumber boy.

Peach walked out to her balcony and looked out into the bottomless dark chasm below.

"Mario…Where are you?…You still owe me fifty coins from Monday night…"

Shooting Star Summit 

After entering Toad Town, and everyone greeting Mario and being thankful that he was alive, Mario and Goombario immediately went to Shooting Star Summit to talk to Eldstar.

As they arrived at the top of the summit, a hologram of Eldstar appeared before the two adventurers.

"Cool, it's just like that one…thing…in Star Wars!" Goombario said in exhilaration at Eldstar's hologram. He went over and tried to touch it.

"Back off, brat," growled Eldstar. His voice then became friendly yet again. "Greetings, Mario," he said politely.

"Okay, okay, let's get this over with," mumbled Mario. "Oral, right?"

Eldstar raised an eyebrow in annoyance as the other Star Spirit holograms materialized.

"Did someone say oral sex?" said the hologram of Misstar excitedly.

"Mario…" Skolar began, "although it may look like we're right beside you now, we are currently mere holograms."

"No shit, Sherlock!" yelled Muskular in annoyance. "Mario, listen, man: We were all imprisoned in playing cards by Bowser and Kammy Koopa in Star Haven two nights ago…"

"And we are all currently being held captive in various areas of the Mushroom Kingdom by Bowser's associates," Mamar explained further.

"Why haven't I gotten a speaking role yet?" whined Kalmar, a rather plain-looking Star Spirit with a mustache.

The hologram of Klevar, a young Star Spirit with a bow tie that always held a book, looked angrily at Kalmar. "…Anyway," he said, "you're our only hope, Mario. No one else can save us but you. Oh, and the little chocolate chip in the baseball cap too, I suppose."

"YOU SON OF A-" Goombario yelled, about to headbonk the hologram like the moron he was, before being held back by Mario.

Eldstar's hologram cleared his throat. "Bowser also stole the Star Rod, the mighty glowing thingy that grants the wishes of citizens across the Mushroom King-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Mario muttered. "See you weirdoes later." He left the summit with Goombario, the holograms of the Star Spirits completely dumbfounded at his lack of interest.

Later, Mario and Goombario were just about to re-enter Toad Town before Twink flew in and hit Mario on the head. "OW!" he cried as he hit the ground.

Mario rubbed his head, glanced at Twink, and yelled, "AAAAAH! A BUG!" He took his hammer out.

"**_DON'T YOU EVEN DARE!_**" the Star Kid bellowed. "Anyway…my name is Twink. I've been helping Princess Peach for a bit now, and she wanted me to give this to Mario. You're Mario, correct?"

"Correct, little weirdo!" said Mario with pure conceit.

Twink took out the Lucky Star pendant. "Here you go," he said, and blandly tossed it over to Mario.

YOU GOT THE LUCKY STAR!!! 

**NOW YOU CAN USE ACTION COMMANDS TO KICK EVEN MORE ENEMY ASS!**

"And don't worry about Peach. She's doing just fine," said Twink, giving a warm-hearted smile to Mario and Goombario. "See you some other time!"

"Bye!" Goombario called out.

When Twink left, a Magikoopa came speeding towards our favorite little duo of adventurers. He skidded to a halt on his broomstick, cackling in an earsplitting tone.

"Finally, I've found Mario! I will take you out permanently, you little fool. Kammy Koopa will be so happy! She'll shower me with praise! She'll give me a raise! And a raise really pays! A raise pays for all seven days! A raise…uh…can get you through a large maze! Um…I…uh…I like Happy Days!…"

As the Magikoopa struggled with what sentence to rhyme with next, Mario and Goombario beat the stuffing out of him and sent him flying into the stratosphere, not even needing a battle sequence.

Satisfied with themselves, Mario and Goombario heroically walked off into the blazing sunset in slow-motion towards Toad Town. But the action movie had only begun!

**Author's Note: **PHEW, this chapter took me quite a bit of time to type up, but it's finally done. I sure hope you liked it! Please remember to read and review. 


	3. Chapter 1: Thundering KoopaBros Fortress

**A/N: **And now the adventure truly begins. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **For the last time, I own nothing at all in this fic. Everything is copyrighted to their respective owners.

-

Chapter 1: Thundering Koopa Bros. Fortress 

As Mario and Goombario returned to Toad Town, they went to Merlon the magician's house to find out that Eldstar was being held captive in Koopa Bros. Fortress, and the duo would have to take Pleasant Path to get there. By reaching the entrance to the path, though, they spotted four dark Toads guarding it.

"Great, it's goth season already?" Mario moaned.

Goombario walked up to the Toads and asked them why they were guarding the path.

"Uh…you definitely don't wanna go to the Koopa Bros. Fortress!" the dark-yellow Toad squawked.

"Yeah, it's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, uh…dangerous. Yeah, that's it," the dark-green Toad stuttered.

"There are all kinds of hazards down this path," the dark-red Toad said. "There are Bob-ombs!"

"And Koopas!" said the grey-black Toad.

"And Clefts!" said the dark-yellow one.

"Oh my!" squealed the dark-green one.

Mario made a look of mock disappointment. "Oh, that's really too bad…" he trailed off, pretended to sulk, and proceeded to walk away with Goombario. "_C'mon, shrimp, let's forget this stupid journey and go to Podley's,_" he whispered to Goombario.

As they walked off, the four Toads tensely chanted, "Bob-ombs and Koopas and Clefts, oh my! Bob-ombs and Koopas and Clefts, oh my! Bob-ombs and Koopas and Clefts, oh my!…"

Goombario convinced Mario to see Merlon about the dark Toads, and Mario reluctantly agreed after a few empty threats. And so, of course, they returned to Merlon, and told him about the problem.

"What? It's goth season already?" Merlon asked in confusion.

"Yes," Goombario said. "Apparently."

"Something is not right here," mumbled Merlon. "Goth season doesn't start until April." He walked out of his house with our two adventurers and strode bravely up to the Toads.

"What's going on here?" Merlon yelled at the four Toads. "You're not supposed to be here until April! GET OUT OF MY TOWN, PATHETIC GOTHS!" He then turned into a Super Saiyan-esque thing and took twelve episodes to charge, and released a powerful blast at the Toads. Instead of being blown to bits, though, they turned into…The Koopa Bros.! dramatic sound effect

"Shoot, our cover's been blown, guys!" Red yelled. "Off to the fortress! We'll see you later, Fatty and Chocolate Chip!"

The foursome of Koopas rushed off into the path. Merlon turned back to his normal self and talked to Mario again. "Listen, Mario, you must do whatever you can to rescue the Star Spirits and save us all from Bowser's wrath. Also, in order to survive the Koopa Bros. Fortress, you will need the assistance of a Koopa in a blue shell. How you're going to find a blue-shelled Koopa in this day and age, I have no idea!" Merlon cackled insanely and ran back to his house to continue obsessively gazing at his plastic crystal ball.

"Okay then…" said Goombario, looking very confused.

The two of them went across Pleasant Path to Koopa Village, and noticed several black balls of fuzz hopping around the place.

"MEEEEORK!" one of the creatures screeched in Mario's face.

"EEEK! It's just like the nightmare I had last week!" Mario cried. "I dreamt that some poor little village would one day be overrun by fuzzy black jumping pom-poms with sharp teeth that stole Koopa shells for fun, liked to play games in order to give back Koopa shells, hated being jumped on or hammered by fat Italian plumbers, and said 'MEEEEEEORK!'!!"

Goombario stared at him with amazement. "That was quite a premonition," he said, giving a low whistle. "You just summarized the whole point of being in this village."

"No, dumbass, the whole point was to find some blue-shelled Koopa!" Mario yelled in impatience. "C'mon, let's go to that house with the shell-shaped roof that's conveniently painted blue!"

And they did. And they met a blue-shelled Koopa inside chasing one of the black pom-poms around his house.

The Koopa stopped for air, and turned to the two people that oh-so-politely entered his house without bothering to knock. "You two have to help me!" he pleaded, only clad in a white T-shirt. "This dumb Fuzzy stole my blue shell, and now I have to chase him around my house to get it back! Could you assist me?"

"What's so special about your blue shell?" Goombario asked.

"One, no Koopa goes out without their shell; it's too embarrassing," said the Koopa. "Two, a blue shell makes me different from other Koopas." He then turned to the front of the screen. "And remember, kids, diversity is a wonderful thing!" he said joyfully, winking and giving a thumbs-up and a toothy smile.

"That was very weird," said Mario. "You are very weird."

"Thanks!" said the Koopa.

"Can this guy tell the difference between a compliment and an insult?" Mario whispered to Goombario.

"Dunno," said Goombario right back.

"My name's Kooper," said the Koopa. "Pleased to meet you." He shook Mario's hand and shook Goombario's nonexistent hand, then realizing he had no hands, and patted his head. "Oh, and by the way, the Fuzzy escaped."

"DAMN!" said Mario, rushing out the door. He came to a clearing with four large trees, the Fuzzy holding Kooper's shell standing by the far right one.

"MEEEEEEEORK!" screeched the Fuzzy.

"Good God, could you stop saying that?" said Mario. "You sound like some hideous combination of a pig and a cat."

"Oh, fine, smart ass," the Fuzzy shouted to him. "I'll speak normally. So yeah, I suppose this is where I hide in the trees with my buddies, and you have to guess which one I'm hiding in, and I'll give the shell back."

"Hah, forget that!" Mario said.

"Well, you asked for it…GUYS! WE GOT US SOME PLUMBER BUTT TO KICK!" Three other Fuzzies jumped out, and the fight was on.

-

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 10 

VS.

Fuzzy Squad HP: 4 each

Mario uses Power Jump on Fuzzy #3. Does 4 damage.

Fuzzy #2 tries sucking away Mario's HP. Mario guards. How pathetic.

Mario uses Power Jump on Fuzzy #2. Does 4 damage.

Fuzzy #4 uses Super Ultra Cool Life Sucking Action on Mario. Does 9 damage. Fuzzy #4 uses the 9 gained HP to revive Fuzzies #2 and #3.

Mario throws a very violent tantrum. Does 5 damage to all 4 Fuzzies.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

**-**

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRK!" all four Fuzzies shrieked as they fell to the ground, all mashed to a pulp by Mario's fierce tantrum slaps.

YOU GOT KOOPER'S SHELL! JUST GIVE IT BACK TO HIM AND LET HIM JOIN YOUR PARTY ALREADY!

"Mario!" called Goombario, running over to the clearing with Kooper right behind him. "You okay?"

"No problem," said Mario coolly, returning Kooper's shell.

"Thanks, man," Kooper said happily. "And I was wondering…You two are on an adventure to rescue that dumb broad Princess Peach from King Bowser, right?"

"That is correct," said Goombario.

"That's so awesome!" Kooper cried. "I'm very adventurous, and I've been a very big fan of adventurous people like the Koopa explorer Kolorado ever since I was a tiny undeveloped fetus squirming around in my mom's—"

"Alright, too much information!" Mario said, waving his hand as though to plead Kooper to shut up.

"Anyway…" the Koopa said, "I was thinking…perhaps I cou**OHCOULDIPLEASEJOININONYOURADVENTUREOHPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE—"**

"OF COURSE YOU CAN!" Mario yelled at Kooper. "JUST SHUT YOUR ASS UP, ALRIGHT?!"

"Thanks," said Kooper casually.

KOOPER JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN USE HIM TO REACH FARAWAY SWITCHES AND ITEMS THAT MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY FATASS TO GET HIMSELF! 

"Let's ditch this joint," said Mario, leaving Koopa Village with Goombario and his new Koopa ally.

"But what about the rest of the Fuzzies?!" a Koopa Village citizen cried out to Mario.

Mario turned back and looked. He shrugged, saying, "Eh, you can help yourselves. I have a stupid broad to save."

Goombario scowled at Mario, got out a Fuzzy Whistle, blew it near a large river, and lured the idiotic Fuzzies into the river, leaving them to drown. Yippee, everyone's happy!

-

Koopa Bros. Fortress 

"Are we there yet?" Kooper asked Mario.

"No, Kooper," Mario said in exasperation.

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Are we there now?"

"FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME, NO!"

"Finally," Goombario growled, "we're here." The Koopa Bros. Fortress was a giant, hulking fortress likely full of many traps and trickeries. It stood monumentally high, casting a large shadow upon the heroic trio.

"I'm not even going to bother," said Mario. He hammered a nearby tree and saw a giant spring fall out. A Michael Koopson doll fell out too, but he'd rather forget about that thing for the rest of his life. The three heroes jumped onto the spring, thinking that this fortress would be a cakewalk to get through. The three of them only landed on the third floor, however, on a platform right below…RED AND YELLOW KOOPA! another dramatic sound effect

They heard Yellow talking to Red about something.

"Finally!" Yellow cackled. "I've devised the perfect plan to rid ourselves of that annoying Mario! You see this coin here? As soon as Mario collects it, it will trigger a rock to roll off a nearby platform and hit a switch, which in turn will set off a spinning ceiling fan, causing it to move to the left of the ceiling, eventually cutting a 2-ton weight that will cause a large earthquake, which will then summon a large UFO that zaps the very area Mario stands at, which will _then_—"

Red looked furiously at Yellow. "Couldn't you just set up a fake ? block that triggers the trapdoor?"

Yellow then looked a little disappointed, and shuffled around a little. "Hm, yeah…I suppose that could…work…yep…" He proceeded to make a trapdoor and a fake yellow ? block as Red left to go back to the top of the fortress.

When Yellow left, Mario, Goombario, and Kooper walked up to the ? block and wondered just what it would trigger. They decided it was best to steer clear of it, so they turned around. But Mario had a small problem…

He started cringing, seemingly trying to keep himself from doing something. "_Must…resist…urge…to…hit…? Block…_" he whispered fiercely.

"Mario, fight it! Fight the urge!" Goombario cried.

"_I've been hitting ? blocks for over 15 years!! You expect me to resist one that easily?!_" Mario screeched loudly. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" Mario unfortunately hit the ? block, opening the floor below him, causing him to fall from yet another very high distance up before the day he died. Goombario and Kooper hesitated briefly, then jumped through the trapdoor and fell down with Mario.

The trio woke up on the floor of a cold, large jail cell at the fortress' bottom.

"Damn it!" yelled Kooper. "Just had to let your urge get the better of you, huh?"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I HATE YOU ALL!" Mario screamed. A pink female Bob-omb ran up to Mario and looked strangely at him.

"Excuse me, are you alright?" she asked politely. Mario got back up along with Goombario and Kooper.

"I'm doing just fine," Mario said sarcastically, dusting off his overalls.

"Hi there, my name is Bombette," the pink Bob-omb said, beaming up at Mario. "You're Mario, savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, right?"

"I sure am," said Mario.

Kooper swaggered over to Bombette. "And I must be your Romeo, darling!" he said in the sexiest tone he could possibly use. "The name's Kooper, and after so much hardships lately, I think I've finally laid my heavy, tired eyes on an angel." He grinned at Bombette, his eyes eerily forming into hearts. Goombario and Bombette both rolled their eyes skyward.

"Is there any way we can get out of this cell? We're on a quest to save the Star Spirits along with Princess Peach and blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaah," said Goombario flatly.

"Yes, I've just been working on a way out of here," Bombette said sweetly. "It may sound stupid, but after being cooped up in here for weeks, it finally hit me: I'm a Bob-omb! I can just blow up a crack in the wall and bust out of this jail cell!"

The other three heroes looked at her blankly as if she was an idiot, which she technically was being, what with just realizing all that.

"Of _course_ it sounds stupid!" said Kooper loudly. "I mean, what's more obvious than to blow up the wall if you're a Bob-omb, yet it takes you such a long time to realize that? Here, let me try and kiss some common sense back into you…"

"DON'T YOU EVEN FREAKING DARE, YOU CASANOVA WANNABE!!" Bombette screamed at Kooper, startling everyone in the cell, including the other imprisoned Bob-ombs.

She blushed, and turned to Mario and Goombario. "Sorry…I may look sweet and sugar-coated on the outside, but inside I can be a real demonic bitch sometimes."

"I can see that," said Goombario, still white from being startled.

After a few introductions and more conversations, Bombette willfully accepted to join Mario on his crazy quest.

BOMBETTE JOINED YOUR PARTY! NOW YOU CAN USE HER TO BREAK CRACKS IN THE WALL THAT MARIO, ONCE AGAIN, IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY-ASS TO DO!! 

And so, the newly formed foursome of heroes blew up a crack in the cell wall and escaped, while the other imprisoned Bob-ombs just stayed in the cell like they were absolutely brain-dead. The four of them continued back up the fortress, and finally came outside to the roof of the fortress, where Bullet Bill Blasters were firing Bullet Bills continuously, the Koopa Bros. right behind the nefarious cannons.

"GACK! Red, Mario made it back up here!" Black yelled in surprise.

"But how's that possible?" Yellow cried in confusion.

"Beats me," Green said.

"So, Mario, you managed to brave our mighty fortress!" Red yelled, fiercely pointing at Mario and his friends. "And you're getting help from that traitor, Bombette, too? Oh, this is so grand. Instead of blowing one plumber to bits with our Bullet Bill Blasters, we get to blow up his pals, too! GO, BLASTERS!"

The blasters commenced with their firing. "See you inside the final chamber, Mario…If you can make it there alive! GAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Red cackled psychotically and ran inside the chamber, leaving Mario and Co. outside.

"He's become awfully crazy for an idiotic TMNT ripoff," said Bombette.

"I agree," said Mario. "HEY, AUTHOR, WE COULD USE SOME HELP HERE!!" he yelled at the screen. Just then, I Am The Almighty Person popped in a GameShark and used a cheap Levitate trick to guide the four heroes right over the roof to the chamber door.

"Too easy!" squealed Kooper, and they went inside…

The chamber was seemingly empty and devoid of anyone but Mario, Kooper, Bombette, and Goombario. Then, a very rushed-looking robot resembling Bowser wheeled out in front of the adventurers.

"BWA HA HA HA!" cackled the robot in a very loud, tinny voice. "YOU MUST GIVE UP NOW, MARIO! THERE IS NO HOPE OF ESCAPE!"

"Oh boy…" Mario grumbled, getting ready to kick some robot ass.

-

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 15 FP: 15 

Bombette

VS.

Bowser? HP: 10

Mario jumps on Bowser?. Does 0 damage.

Bombette Body Slams Bowser?. Does 0 damage

"GAHAHAHA!" cackled "Bowser".

Bowser? Pounds Mario. Does 1 damage.

"YEEESSS, FEAR MY MIGHTY 1 POINT OF DAMAGE!" said "Bowser".

Mario hammers Bowser?. Does 1 damage.

Bombette Body Slams Bowser? With an Action Command. Does 1 damage.

"Ooooh…darn…they're catching on to us—er—I mean, me!" "Bowser" moaned.

"I don't have the time for this," said Bombette.

Bombette does a Super-Duper One-Time-Only Mega-Ultra Bomb Attack to Bowser?. Does 50 damage.

"OW! YOU LITTLE PINK BITCH!" cried Red's voice from underneath the Bowser robot. The Koopa Bros. ran out of the severely damaged robot and began to fight again.

Mario HP: 14 FP: 15

Bombette

Goombario

Kooper

VS.

Koopa Bros. HP: 5 each

Mario and Co. suddenly transformed into the Mario Rangers as Power Rangers theme music played apparently out of nowhere in particular.

"Two can play at that game!" Red growled. All of a sudden, the Koopa Bros. transformed into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or in other words, they didn't transform at all.

"Aw, damn it," Black whined as the Mario Rangers knocked all the Koopa Bros. off of the platform, down into the large jail cell below.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

-

"Somebody help us!" Red yelled from far down below. "Somebody get us outta here!!"

"Too bad, suckers!" Bombette said victoriously. "Now you'll know how it feels to be trapped in a prison for so long! A word of advice: Don't drop the soap!"

All four Koopa Bros. began screaming in horror as a playing card containing Eldstar the Star Spirit floated down to our four heroes. Mario jumped up and caught it, and an extremely flashy sequence began that ended with **END OF CHAPTER!!** Yay!!! Everyone's happy!!! Okay, seriously, moving on to Peach's castle:

-

Peach's Castle 

"So, Twink, did Mario get the Lucky Star?" Peach asked Twink as she worriedly paced around her room that she was locked in.

"He sure did," said Twink happily.

Peach smiled. "That's wonderful!" she said. "But…I wonder if we can help him find out where the second Star Spirit is imprisoned at…"

"Could we possibly get out of this room?" Twink asked.

"Well, now that I think about it…" Peach said to herself. She went up to the fireplace, and said, "I recall the minister telling me about a secret switch somewhere around here that either leads to the room that Bowser stays in now, or leads to a super-secret shrine full of booze and Paper Mario porn. I forgot which."

"Might as well take a risk, eh?" Twink said.

"Right," Peach said. After searching a while, she finally found the red switch behind a portrait next to the fireplace. After pressing it, she noticed the whole fireplace mantle turning around, leading into a small, dark hallway.

Peach looked around the hallway uncertainly, and walked quietly through it with Twink by her side, seeing another switch at the end. By pressing it, the wall turned around yet again, leading into none other than the room Bowser stayed in. Twink looked a bit disappointed.

"What's wrong, Twink?" Peach asked.

"So…it doesn't lead to the shrine, huh?" he said sadly. "I suppose that's okay…"

Peach raised an eyebrow, then proceeded to look around the room for clues, eventually settling on an old diary. "Alright, this should help us," she said happily. "I've seen Bowser carry a diary around before. This one must be his." The two of them began reading a random page they opened to, coincidentally a diary entry written that same day.

_Dear Diary,_

_I've been thinking very seriously lately and realizing quite a strange thing…I love Luigi Mario! It's just that…whenever I think of him, I feel as if I'm in a magical little world of my own, with him there to hold me passionately and tight, forever and always. Sometimes I even fantasize about him in bed! Well, I'll keep you filled in on any more of this revelation that I have discovered, Diary…_

_Oh, and Dad said something about the second Star Spirit being held in Dry Dry Ruins to the east of Toad Town._

_Until tomorrow,_

Lemmy 

After reading the last line of the entry, Peach stared at the diary as if her IQ had just dropped by 200 points.

"My God," she said, taking a deep breath. "This is the diary of Lemmy Koopa, one of Bowser's sons!"

Twink was absolutely dumbfounded by the diary entry. "We'll have time to think about how disturbing that is later," he said quickly. "The point is, the second honorable Star Spirit is being held in Dry Dry Ruins!"

"You're right, Twink," said Peach. "Please go tell Mario."

Twink groaned. "Whatever," he said, leaving to go on yet another errand to find Mario.

After a few moments, King Bowser walked into the room! Another dramatic sound effect, oh boy

"Shoot!" he said out loud. "I almost forgot that I left Lemmy's diary out! I can't let ANYONE find out the truth about him! It would be such a big scandal! Shigeru would kill me! I'll just go over to the diary and put it away, not even noticing that Peach is right there when she should be in her room."

After putting the diary away, Bowser then paused. He turned to Peach.

"Uh…Peach!" he said in a startled tone. "Go back to your room right now!"

"Eh, whatever," Peach said, shrugging. She went back to her room as she was told. She already got the information she needed anyway.

--

Outside Koopa Bros. Fortress 

"Oh, Mario, thank you so much for rescuing me," Eldstar said. "I'm very grateful of it."

"You better be, you old geezer!" screamed Kooper. "We busted our damn backs saving you!"

Eldstar, completely ignoring Kooper, thanked Goombario and Bombette as well, then went into teaching Mario about Star Power in a tutorial that clearly isn't worth describing.

Eldstar said farewell and flew back up to Star Haven, eagerly awaiting the rescue of the other six spirits.

On the way back to Toad Town, a familiar figure jumped out of the bushes near a section of Pleasant Path. This was none other than Jr. Troopa, surprise surprise.

"There you are, Mario! I see you have some stupid new friends with you!" he said, pointing angrily at the foursome.

"LITTLE BRAT! JUST WAIT TILL I FRY YOU ON A STOVE AND EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST!!" Bombette yelled shrilly.

"My little cupcake is absolutely right!" yelled Kooper. "I have no idea who you are, but we'll beat you easily!"

"Let's go, Mario!" said Goombario.

Mario sighed and began the battle.

--

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 15 FP: 15

Kooper

Goombario

Bombette

VS.

Jr. Troopa HP: 15

"You're doomed, Mario!" shouted Jr. Troopa. "No Michael Koopson tickle doll to save you this time!"

Mario clenched his fists. "Don't ever mention that thing again."

Mario hammered Jr. Troopa. Does 1 damage.

Goombario headbonked Jr. Troopa. Does 0 damage.

"What the?!-" said Goombario.

"I have 1 defense now, dumbasses!" Jr. Troopa said. "I'll kill all four of you!"

Bombette used Bomb on Jr. Troopa. Does 3 damage.

Mario charged his Hammer attack by 2.

Jr. Troopa raises his attack power by 5.

Mario hammered Jr. Troopa. Does 3 damage.

Bombette used Bomb on Jr. Troopa. Does 3 damage.

"OWEEEE!" yelled the annoying young Koopa, now down to 5 HP.

Jr. Troopa raises his attack power by 5 yet again.

Mario hammered Jr. Troopa. Does 1 damage.

Kooper used Shell Toss on Jr. Troopa. Does 1 mighty point of damage.

Jr. Troopa charged at Mario. Does 12 damage.

Mario, already down to 3 HP, got a familiar look on his face. He slowly got angrier and angrier, and then…

Mario threw a very violent tantrum. Does 0 damage.

"DAMN IT!" Mario cursed. "How can my mighty tantrum of mighty mightiness never work on you?"

"Oh, and I should know?" Jr. Troopa shouted back at Mario.

"You should!" said Mario.

"HOW?!" Jr. Troopa screamed in anger.

"You know how, you little brat!" Mario yelled.

As the two of them continued their immature argument, Kooper, Bombette, and Goombario simply snuck up behind Jr. Troopa and hit him with all the force they could. He went careening into a river.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

**--**

"**YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…**" Jr. Troopa's voice slowly zoomed away as he went sliding down the river. The four adventurers walked heroically off into the sunset…again…in slow motion…again…and the action movie had only begun…again…

**---**

**A/N:** And so, Mario and Goombario met two new friends, rescued the Star Spirit Eldstar, defeated the slightly psychotic Koopa Bros., encountered the even more psychotic Jr. Troopa again, and are now off to Dry Dry Ruins, where the adventure will get even weirder and crazier!

Alright people, you know the drill. Read and review, please!


	4. Ch 2: The Not So Obvious Mystery of

**A/N: **After three terrible days of no updates, chappie 4 is finally here!

Secondly: From now on, whenever I say "fish paste" in the author's comments, it will mean "I do not own Mario or anything else in this fanfic, they are all copyrighted to their respective owners," because I'm a lazy bastard like that. Fish paste!

---

**Chapter 2: The Not-so-obvious Mystery of Dry Dry Ruins**

It was late in the afternoon, and Mario, Goombario, Kooper, and Bombette had just returned to Toad Town from Koopa Bros. Fortress. A few minutes upon re-entering the town, Twink once again landed on Mario's head. After Kooper and Bombette mistook the small Star Kid for a bug, the bloody and mangled Twink informed them that Mamar, the second of the Star Spirits, was being held in Dry Dry Ruins. He also threatened Kooper and Bombette by saying that he knew where they lived, but that's not the point right now!

The gang said bye to Twink and ran over to the southern part of Toad Town to get on the train headed to Mt. Rugged. However, there was a slight problem with the train track when they got there…

"Hey y'all, c'you help us wit' a li'l somth'n over 'ere?" said a train passenger to Mario and co. "Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a Star Spirit in the clutches of a bad guy. See dem large rocks on that there track? We can't git this here train t'move if them rocks are in the way! C'you help us some, Mario?"

"Huh?" said Bombette, looking dumbly at the Southern-accented Toad.

"Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a Star Spirit in the clutches of a bad guy. See dem large rocks on that there track? We can't git this here train t'move if them rocks are in the way! C'you help us some, Mario?"

"Again, _huh?_" said Bombette, still not understanding the Toad through his thick accent.

"Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a Star Spirit in the clutches of a bad guy. See dem large rocks on that there track? We can't git this here train t'move if them rocks are in the way! C'you help us some, Mario?"

"Alright, seriously, **WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US?!**" Bombette yelled.

"Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a—" Bombette finally lost her short temper and blew the Toad up. However, thanks to the amazing power of video games, the Toad simply burned to a crisp and turned back to normal a few seconds later. "Yeesh, y'all're more insane'n the King o' Koopas wit' a fancy glowin' thingy like the Star Rod!" the Toad cried frightfully, running off.

"You sure showed him, my little slice of pumpkin pie!" said Kooper gleefully to Bombette.

Bombette turned to Kooper and gave him an annoyed death glare. "Don't you start too," she growled.

"Mario!" yelled the train conductor. "We gotta git this 'ere train up an' runnin' 'fore nigh'fall! Jus' blow up that there rock an' we can get this thing goin' faster'n your Koopa friend on that pink Bob-omb in bed t'night!"

Bombette scowled at the happily grinning Kooper again, then at the conductor. She sighed. "…All right, stand back," she said, and blew up the large rock blocking the railroad. The four adventurers got on the train and proceeded to ride through the countryside to Mt. Rugged.

On the way there, Goombario said to Kooper, "Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!" squealed Kooper joyfully.

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?" said Goombario again.

"Repeat!" said Kooper again.

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"

"Repeat!"

…And it went on like this for countless hours, until Bombette literally yelled herself hoarse at Kooper, threatening to remove his manhood permanently if he didn't shut the hell up. The same went with Goombario. Also, on the way to Mt. Rugged, the conductor continued to talk to Mario nonstop in his rapid Southern accent about his first job as a janitor in '84.

"...Hah hah hah! Boy, you shoulda seen 'ow many zits I 'ad in '84, Mario!" the conductor said happily as Mario picked his nose, not caring about the conductor's talking at all. "A 16-year-ol' janitor in 1984…Good times, good times," the conductor said, mellowing out his cheerful tone. "Ah! We're 'ere, folks! Scenic Mt. Rugged!" The train pulled up to a train stop in the entrance to a strange mountain with the heads of four Mushroom Kingdom rulers carved into the front. Mario and the crew got out, said goodbye to the conductor, and left the train station as soon as possible. After walking up the first hill, Mario bumped into an oddly familiar face.

The Paratroopa Mario walked into had his back turned and was looking for something. The Paratroopa had been saying, "Shoot, where did it go?" before he hit Mario. After he got back up, Mario said to the nervous-sounding Paratroopa, "Okay bub, just what is it that you want? Take whichever one of my friends you want, but you better leave poor old me alone!"

"Oh, so sorry for bumping into you, sir!" said the Paratroopa in a very tense tone of voice. "Wait a sec...You're Mario, right? The guy at one of my mail stops? The guy who's brother always threatens to kill me every morning?"

"Yeah, that's me," said Mario, making a sigh of relief. "What's up, Parakarry?"

"I've been having the absolute WORST day of my life!" cried Parakarry, beginning to cry. "My boss hates me, I lost more letters around the kingdom than usual today, and this fat orange cat at one of my mail stops is making my life a living hell!"

Mario began to comfort him uneasily, cradling him and patting his back firmly as he wept. "That's okay…Yeah, let it all out…Everything will be fine…" After Parakarry made a nice large burp from Mario patting his back, he wiped his eyes and got serious.

"Mario," he began, "I need you to do me a favor."

"Let's get this over with," Mario said in annoyance. "Oral, right?"

Bombette looked at Mario angrily. "That joke is gonna get so old after a while," she said to him.

"Your MOM is going to get so old after a while!" Goombario yelled, laughing hysterically. Everyone around Goombario then looked at him strangely, and he quickly noticed, looking around uneasily and shutting his mouth.

"Like I was saying," Parakarry said, taking a deep breath, "I need you to do me a favor. I lost three _extremely_ important letters around this mountain, and I want you to find them for me."

"Are you always this clumsy, dude?" said Kooper, raising his eyebrows.

"Eh," Parakarry shrugged, "not really. Normally I just drop random letters around the Mushroom Kingdom for shits and giggles to annoy my boss, but this time I've seriously lost three of 'em."

"Fine, I'll get them, _your majesty_," Mario said in a tone of mock sincerity.

"Thanks, servant!" Parakarry said, his smile widening. "You have really made my day!"

"No problem," said Mario, walking off. "Wait a minute…WHAT?"

---

**Mt. Rugged**

Mario eventually retrieved two of Parakarry's lost letters, but the third was slightly more difficult to find. Bombette then saw it at the bottom of the rock platform they were now standing on.

"Oh, HELL NO!" Mario yelled. "Do you really think I'm going to jump off of here to get some stupid letter? Pfft!"

Bombette grinned devilishly. "I suppose you just need a push," she said with glee. So naturally, she threw Mario off the platform and he landed right next to the letter. He picked it up, dusted his bloody, bruised self off, and shook his fist at Bombette. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS SOMEDAY, YOU WHORE! MARK MY WORDS!"

---

**Mt. Rugged Entrance**

"Well, we got all the letters back," said Mario, tossing them all at Parakarry. "Now what?"

"Now I join your party, of course!" said Parakarry, delighted with getting the letters back.

"Party? Ooooh boy! I haven't been to a party in ages!" cried Kooper.

"Not that kind of party, shit-for-brains," grumbled Bombette. "A 'party' is your group of partners in an RPG."

"You're even hotter when you're angry at me," Kooper said in a stupid, mushy voice as he did that creepy eyes-turning-into-hearts thing again.

"Why don't we actually let Parakarry join the group already?" Goombario said, desperately trying to change the subject before Bombette took Kooper out of the picture.

**PARAKARRY JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW HE CAN LIFT YOU OVER MODERATELY LARGE GAPS SINCE MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO USE HIS LONG JUMP FROM SUPER MARIO 64!**

"Neato!" said Parakarry.

And so, the gang of five made it past the enemies of Mt. Rugged, including Clefts, which Mario got so pissed off at because he didn't have D-Down Pound equipped and just kept throwing tantrums that killed everything in sight.

By the time they made it to the bridge, our heroes were definitely looking positive about saving the second Star Spirit. That is, until a large buzzard swooped down and pecked at them all furiously. However, he stopped at Bombette and said, "Hey baby, the name's Buzzar. King Bowser ordered me to look out fer some fat mustachioed plumber in blue overalls and a red shirt and cap named Mario, but I suppose I could take some time out and get us some time to kill at Podley's!"

"BASTARD!" screamed Kooper. "SHE'S MINE!" He used furious karate action on Buzzar unexpectedly and knocked him into the bottomless abyss below the bridge.

"Goodness, that was quick," said Goombario. "Or maybe it's because the author doesn't feel like typing up a long, tedious battle sequence?"

"Meh, I don't care," said Mario, shrugging. The five heroes moved on to the perilous Dry Dry Desert.

---

**Dry Dry Desert**

The gang entered the desert, and the air suddenly became exponentially hot.

"Whoo! It's pretty hot out here," said Bombette, sweating furiously.

"_Pretty_ hot?" said Parakarry in disbelief. "Dear God, you look like you had a hot flash gone horribly wrong. Here, I've got a hanky…"

"Ahoy, old chaps!" said a middle-aged, energetic-looking Koopa with a hardhat and a mustache in an archaeologist outfit, rushing over to Mario and co. "The name is Kolorado, and I presume you are Mario, old boy?"

Mario nodded slowly.

Kooper looked as if Bombette had agreed to have sex with him. His eyes widened greatly and his jaw dropped, and he stuttered, "K-K-K-K-Kolo—Kol—KOLORADO??!!" He gave a high fangirl-ish squeal and fainted.

"Salutations, Kooper, my energetic and admiring young neighbor!" Kolorado said, tipping his hat to the blue-shelled Koopa, now out cold.

"Wait…You're the next-door neighbor of this loser?" said Bombette in confusion. "A great explorer like you?"

"Yes, young lassie, that is quite right!" said Kolorado. "I am indeed the neighbor of this adventurous loser, although I have not been home in many moons…" He sighed. "My wife gets so lonely and irritated when I leave for long periods of time..."

"What?" said Mario, who had again been picking his nose with absolutely no thought.

"—Nevermind," blurted Kolorado. "Listen, young fellows, me and my trusted aides are digging up this whole desert to find the Dry Dry Ruins, and we haven't found anything!"

"Hey, what a coincidence!" yelled Kooper, who had just gotten back up. "We were also looking for the Dry—OH MY GOD, PROFESSOR KOLORADO!!! **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!**" He fainted again.

"We're looking for the Dry Dry Ruins too," said Bombette. "I'm sure there has to be a way to find it."

"Well, tell me if you do find a way," said Kolorado. "I'm going to go drink beer and watch football on the crew's portable TV. Later, chaps!" He walked into the tent.

Mario and crew progressed through the desert, battling monsters such as Pokeys, which the author enjoyed making Goombario attack for the sake of seeing him bleeding in pain, and Bandits, who attempted to rob everything of theirs from Mario's cap to Bombette, which Kooper prevented by literally tearing apart the Bandit that tried doing so. The crew finally stopped at a large, beautiful oasis for a quick water break, an HP and FP refill, and—DUN DUN DUUUUUN!—A Super Block!

As soon as the partners laid eyes on the blue, shining Super Block, they suddenly broke into a bloody fistfight, tearing each other apart and trying to get to the block first. Eventually, Mario broke up the battle, and it was decided that the bloody-nosed Kooper would get the upgrade. The team moved on to the town of Dry Dry Outpost.

---

**Dry Dry Outpost**

The crew of five entered yet another dry dry area in the region as they set foot in the outpost village. Citizens were thriving everywhere, there were small wagons lining the sidewalks selling goods, and Insurance Salesman Goombas already began annoying the hell out of Mario.

Parakarry looked suspiciously at a green cloaked Nomadimouse that ran out of the nearby item shop to the next area of town, and began following it like Kooper would follow Bombette's ass.

"Hey, where'd Mail Boy go?" asked Kooper as he looked around and noticed that Parakarry was nowhere to be found.

"Where do you think? He obviously went to Dream Land to find Kirby," said Bombette, rolling her eyes.

"Now how are we going to find a taxi to Dream Land at this hour?!" yelled Kooper irritably.

"**GOOD LORD, I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS, DIPSHIT**!!!" screamed Bombette to Kooper. He just did that thing with his eyes again.

"Let's get out of here," mumbled Goombario, once again looking for an opportunity to change the subject before things got ugly between his two friends.

"I want a speaking role right now too," whined Mario.

The four "friends" walked to the next section of Dry Dry Outpost and noticed a convenient secret passage next to a building. They went through, and saw a sorceress in a purple robe who looked similar to Merlon putting on a magic show.

"Greetings, friends! Why don't we make amends?" said the young sorceress. "My name is Merlee, as you can see—" she jabbed her finger at a name tag on her chest that said "Hello, my name is Merlee". "I'm the most wonderful lesbian sorceress around, I'll grant any spell with one leap and a bound!" she said joyfully. "Well, care to take a chance? Care to see my beautiful cards dance?"

"Ha ha ha, I get it," chuckled Mario, handing 50 coins to Merlee. "Alright, how many hours for 50 coins?"

"I assure you, fat pervert, that is not what I want…Uh…Look! The author is now typing in Comic Sans font!" said Merlee, struggling to rhyme her sentences. "I am not at all a prostitute, that is not me, but I do have the hots for my cousin Merluvlee! Alas, she is straight, unfortunate for me. She does not have the hots for me as well, but she will one day, you'll see!"

"Wait…Merluvlee?" said Goombario. "Isn't Merluvlee Merlon's granddaughter, the one at Shooting Star Summit? And why on earth do you have the hots for your _cousin?_"

"That is a long, long story, I'll tell you that. But that is not the point right now, is it, Mr. Fat?" She turned back to Mario.

"No, I guess not," mumbled Mario. "So yeah, did I just pay 50 coins to sit around and talk about how you're as straight as a circle, or did I pay 50 coins for you to curse me with something oddly helpful? Lay it on me, babe!"

Merlee smiled. "I will surely lay on you whatever spell you'd like, for I am an excellently skilled magical dyke!"

Mario chose the Special Course, the longest-lasting spell Merlee had to offer, was cursed with it, and left the alley, coming back to the hunt for Parakarry.

"That was certainly the oddest thing that's happened so far on this insane quest," said Goombario, his eyes wide.

"Yep, no doubt," said Mario.

The two rejoined with Bombette and Kooper and found Parakarry arguing with the green cloaked Nomadimouse from earlier next to an abandoned house.

"SCREW YOU, PAL!" yelled Parakarry. "IT DEFINITELY TAKES THREE LICKS TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP!"

"I'M TELLING YOU, GUY, IT TAKES EXACTLY 247.5 LICKS! NOW SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY FACE!" yelled the Nomadimouse right back at him.

Mario pushed Parakarry aside. "The debate is now over, morons," growled Mario. "You!" he said, pointing to the Nomadimouse, "Do you have any idea where Dry Dry Ruins is located?"

"Well…" said the mouse, "I might, if you give me a lemon."

"The fuck?" said Parakarry. "How will a lemon help?"

"It just will, okay?" said the Nomadimouse. "On a completely useless side note, my name is Sheek the Squeek. Pleased to meet you, nice guys." He stretched out his small paw, and Mario reluctantly shook it. "NOW GET ME THAT LEMON, BITCH!" Sheek barked.

Mario and co. then had to go on a slightly annoying backtrack quest to the oasis to grab a lemon from the tree there. They headed back to Dry Dry Outpost and gave the lemon to Sheek. Sheek just looked angrily at the lemon, and threw it at the head of a passing Nomadimouse.

"Not that kind of lemon, you dopes!" shouted Sheek. "I want a Paper Mario lemon fanfic! Go get me one, NOW!"

Mario groaned angrily, stormed off to the outpost café, went to and printed out the most erotic Paper Mario fic he could find. He stormed right back over to Sheek and threw the paper at him.

Sheek began reading the lemon for a while. "Yes…OH! OH YEAH!" he yelled. "Yeeeeah, that's the stuff!! Oh yeah, work it, Vivian! Work it!"

"Who the hell is Vivian?" asked Bombette.

"Oh! Uh…" said Sheek. "Classified information from the next Paper Mario game! Okay, off with you!" He kindly shooed the five heroes away.

"But you said you would give us info on the Dry Dry Ruins!" said Mario in impatience.

"Mmm…Alrighty then," mumbled Sheek. He set the fic down on the ground, and threw the cloak off of his body.

"EEEEK!" screamed Kooper.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Bombette.

"HOLY COW!" screamed Parakarry.

"MAMA MIA!" shouted Mario.

"Relax, guys," Goombario said, "he doesn't have visible genitalia, sheesh."

"The chocolate chip is right. You guys can look," said Sheek. "Anyway…My name is not really Sheek! I am actually Moustafa, a legendary descendant of one of the builders of Dry Dry Ruins!"

Mario and co. stared at him for quite a long time. "Who?" said Parakarry.

Moustafa looked very angrily at Parakarry. "Anyway, to get to the ruins, you need this pink stone," he said. Moustafa then handed a pink stone, of course, to Mario. "This is the legendary Pulse Stone!"

"Never heard of it," mumbled Parakarry.

Moustafa gritted his teeth with fury, and said to Mario, "Good luck, nice guy. I do hope you find the Star Spirit imprisoned in the ruins, and that you save this nice, nice world…Now PISS OFF!" He shoved the five heroes right out of the screen and went back to reading his precious VivianX fanfic.

---

**Dry Dry Desert**

"What an asshole," Parakarry said. "He practically shoved us off the screen! I mean, really!"

Mario eventually found the area in the desert where the Pulse Stone had to be placed, and stepped back in awe as the Dry Dry Ruins rose high before him, darkening the very sky with its awesome awesomeness of awesome awesometude.

The heroes awkwardly stepped inside the ruins after refilling their stats, and as soon as they did, an evil, shrill cry filled the empty room.

"_OoOoOooOOOOoooohhh…WhoOOo dAARes defile My cryyypt of awwwWWesomMMeNesssssss?...Tuuuuurn bAccck, beEEEfore youu sufffffer a crUELLLLLL FAttttttEEE…Oh, and Mom, if this is you, the casserole is in the kitchen. Tutankoopa out!"_ The sound of an intercom turning off then filled the air, followed by silence.

"Alright, that was really weird and stupid," said Mario.

"Who are we kidding?" muttered Goombario. "Everything in this crazy adventure so far is weird and stupid."

After our brave adventurers survived several perils of the Dry Dry Ruins, including Mummy Pokies (that the author still enjoys forcing Goombario to attack), rushing sand, Mummy Insurance Salesman Goombas, more rushing sand, several Indiana Jones clichés, and even more freaking rushing sand, they finally entered the last chamber, where three colored stones were placed on pedestals in front of stone slots on the other side of the room. Oh, and they got a metal hammer called the Super Hammer or something like that.

The eery voice entered the room again. "_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoisayooohwaytoomuchOoOoOoOthischapterisgettingpretttylongoOOOOOoooOOOOO!!!!! SoOOo, you made it this far after all! Let's see if you can place these stones in the right order, and you may as well be able to fight me. Tutankoopa out!_" The voice stopped, and Jeopardy theme music began playing.

"Shoot, what order do these stones go in?!" Parakarry yelled. "Oh no, we won't do it correctly! WE'RE GOING TO DIE! **_WE'RE ALL GOING TO FREAKING DIIIIIIIIE!!!!_**"

Kooper slapped Parakarry, then said something quite random: "Red, Green, Blue."

Okay, an obvious answer to the order the stones went in, but still random nonetheless.

Mario placed the stones in order in the stone slots just as the Jeopardy music ended: The Diamond Stone on the far left, the Triangle Thingy Stone in the center, and the Lunar Stone on the far right. A door slid open slowly, and after refilling their stats and listening to a stream of furious profanity blaring out of the intercom, the five adventurers went inside the final chamber.

The room was completely dark, leaving Mario and his partners with no surprise. An Egyptian pharaoh hat thingy slowly materialized before them, along with an old, grumpy looking Koopa in a pharaoh outfit.

He began to rasp in the same eery voice as before, "_OoOoooOOOOh!! I see you have braved the ruins without a scratch! I will fix that! OOOOOOOOH—_Oh, for the love of…What am I doing? I'm Tutankoopa, the mighty Koopa sorcerer! Not some common ghost! I will destroy you nicely!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 20 FP: 20

Bombette

Goombario

Parakarry

Kooper

VS.

Tutankoopa HP: 30

"Bring it, pal!" said Parakarry.

"Oh, I'll certainly 'bring' it, buddy!" yelled Tutankoopa.

Mario uses Power Bounce. Does 5 damage to Tutankoopa.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot. Does 5 damage to Tutankoopa.

"What the--? I'm down to 20 HP already? Alright, now I'm annoyed!" Tutankoopa shouted. He did an odd attack where he sang out a high note in a high, crackling voice, causing debris to fall.

Multiple debris hits Mario and Parakarry. Does 10 damage to both.

"Wha?!" cried Mario. "Oh, NOW you're going to pay!"

Mario uses Hammer Throw. Does 3 damage to Tutankoopa.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage to Tutankoopa.

"Ugh…" mumbled Tutankoopa. "Well, since half my HP is gone, I suppose this is the part where I really start to kick your ass and say something cheesy like 'Now I mean business! MUAHAHAHAHA!'."

"Pretty much," said Bombette.

"Okay…" Tutankoopa said, then suddenly called out, "CHOMPYYYY! GET IN HERE!"

A menacing Chain Chomp jumped through a door that slid open under the platform Tutankoopa was on, and then gazed dumbly at Mario, slobbering all over the dungeon floor.

"Damn it, Chompy! I just washed that floor!" yelled Tutankoopa. "Try actually eating them up like I commanded you to!"

Chompy stared at its evil owner, rolled over, and began licking its crotch.

Tutankoopa cursed under his breath, then resumed the fight.

Tutankoopa HP: 15

Chompy HP: 8 DEF: 2 (Too busy licking his crotch for 3 turns)

Mario uses Power Jump on Chompy. Does 2 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss on Chompy. Does 0 damage.

"Dumbass," mumbled Bombette.

Tutankoopa used his weird cracking voice attack again, except this time it hit him, doing 2 damage and knocking him down to the floor.

"Even more of a dumbass," Bombette mumbled again.

"HMM?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" screamed Tutankoopa. "I WILL NOW DISPOSE OF YOU…**FOR GOOD!!!**"

Mario hammers Tutankoopa. Does 4 damage.

Bombette uses Bomb on Tutankoopa. Does 5 damage.

"Ooogh…" moaned Tutankoopa, "I WILL NOT be defeated! KILL THEM NOW, CHOMPY!"

Chompy looked at its owner yet again with the same idiotic stare, drooling wildly on the floor. It then hopped up to Tutankoopa and started wildly humping his leg.

"DAMN IT! GET OFF, STUPID BEAST!" Tutankoopa cried shrilly. "Oh, why doesn't anything ever go as I plan it to?"

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on the distracted Tutankoopa. Does 5 damage.

Tutankoopa yelled, and was cut short as a large hunk of debris hit him on the head and knocked him out cold. Merlee's spell randomly kicked in and doubled the amount of Star Points Mario earned and…yeah.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

**---**

Tutankoopa slowly got back up, a giant lump forming on his cranium. He turned over to Chompy, who was furious that Tutankoopa was knocked out and therefore interrupted its furious leg-humping session.

"Uh…E-Easy now, Chompy!" Tutankoopa stuttered. "C'mere, you…"

Chompy didn't listen, and simply chased its terrible owner out of the ruins.

A playing card containing Mamar the Star Spirit then floated down to Mario. He grabbed it, the flashy sequence, yeah, yeah, yeah, **_END OF CHAPTER!!!_**

---

**Peach's Castle**

"So, Kammy…" said Bowser in a cheerful tone, "has Tutankoopa killed off that pesky plumber Mario yet?"

"Afraid not, sir," Kammy said with intense nervousness in her voice. "He was defeated as badly as the Koopa Bros. and the Goomba King."

Bowser's happy mood ended abruptly. "WHAT?!" he screamed so loud that the castle actually shook. "I PAID HIM 200 COINS TO BE DEFEATED BY THAT FAT DISGRACE TO ITALY AND HIS ANNOYING BUDDIES?!"

"Basically, yes," muttered Kammy.

"This is just perfect…" Bowser said in exasperation. "Well…I suppose that there's no hope for Skolar, that Star Spirit being held captive by Tubba Blubba."

"The _Invincible_ Tubba Blubba, sir!" said Kammy with sudden glee in her voice. "There's no possible way Mario could defeat an invincible person!"

Bowser snorted. "No, you think?" he said with oddly joyful sarcasm.

"Nope, Your Gleefulness," said Kammy.

Just then, a Koopatrol, one of Bowser's Koopa castle guards, ran into Bowser's room, huffing for breath. "Kammy Koopa! Urgent news, sir! I mean, ma'am! I mean, sir! I mean, ma'sir! I mean, ma-"

"Spit it out already," said Bowser. The Koopatrol whispered into Kammy's ear and took off.

"Uh, Lord Bowser…Skolar has just escaped from Tubba Blubba's Castle."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser screamed. "SAY WHAT?!"

"I'm sorry, Your Really Pissiness, but it's true," she said, hanging her head sadly.

"Damn right I'm pissed!" shouted Bowser, and he stormed off into the hallway, throwing a tantrum remarkably similar to Mario's.

MEANWHILE…

"Good news, Princess!" cried Twink, who had just entered Princess Peach's room. "I overheard from that ugly worm in the purple cloak that the third honorable Star Spirit escaped from the castle of some guy named Tubba Blubbabutt or something."

"Well, that's actually quite a good thing," said Peach. Twink explained more to her, and although she was overjoyed that Mario rescued the second Star Spirit, she was also shocked to hear that Tubba Blubba was apparently invincible, and hoped Mario didn't cross paths with him anytime soon. Besides, he still owed her 50 coins from Monday night.

"If Mario does fight Tubba Blubba…" said Peach as she shivered violently, "…we'll need to find a possible weak point of his, I suppose."

"_Shit, more sneaking around_," thought Twink.

"What was that?" asked Peach.

Twink looked oddly at her. "Did you just read my mind?"

"Never mind that, let's go," said Peach. "And I didn't know you slept with a stuffed teddy bear named Bob! Hee hee, that's adorable!"

"CURSE YOU AND YOUR ESP!" cried Twink as Peach went through the secret passage and to the library to see if there was any useful information on a creature named Tubba Blubba.

Peach quietly snuck around corners, peeping through bookshelves to find any useful books, also trying to avoid getting seen by guards, who for some stupid reason could only possibly see in the direction they were going.

She thumbed through the books. "Hmm…'Know Your Shy Guys', no...'Famous Mushroom Kingdom Recipes', no…'A History of Yoshi's Island', no…'Green Eggs and Ham', no…'100 Positions For 100 Nights', no…" she whispered to Twink. "Darn it, there's nothing here about Tubba Blubba."

However, Peach's ear then caught a conversation going on at the end of the library. She used super secret stealth tactics to get behind a bookshelf as cheesy Mission: Impossible music played, of course, out of nowhere. On the other side of the bookshelf, a Hammer Bros. and a Koopatrol were sharing an interesting conversation…

The Hammer Bros. said, "And I was all like, 'Oh no you didn't!', and he was all like, 'Oh yes I did!', and I was all like, 'Oh no you didn't!', and he was all like, 'Oh yes I did!', and I was all like, 'Oh no you didn't!', and he was all like, 'Oh yes I did!'—"

"Uh, yeah, yeah, that's wonderful," said the Koopatrol carelessly. "Hey Milfred, ever heard of the Invincible Tubba Blubba?"

"I sure have heard of him!" said Milfred loudly. "I met him before!"

"_Shhh! Be quiet, this is a library!_" whispered the Koopatrol fiercely.

"…Yyyyeah," said Milfred the Hammer Bros. "Anyways, rumor has it that he lives in Gusty Gulch near Forever Forest, and he gobbles up Boos for breakfast, brunch, lunch, snacks, linner, dinner, dinsert, dessert, and midnight snacks!"

"Ooooh, stop scaring me!" said the Koopatrol. "Now I won't be able to go to the bathroom at night alone…"

"Don't worry," said Milfred, "I can take you. And I really don't mind, uh, watching you in there…You know, just to make sure you're safe." He grinned.

The Koopatrol raised an eyebrow. "You are really weird, you know…" he muttered.

Milfred continued talking. "And I also hear that there's a secret of his, involving his invincibility, that would absolutely ruin him if anyone found out. They say the guide to the secret is somewhere in his castle…"

The Koopatrol now looked around nervously. "Uh, can we go to sleep now? I'm…um…tired. Yeah, tired." He uttered a false yawn that even a brainless monkey would know wasn't real.

"Tired, huh? I totally think that yawn was real," said Milfred.

Wow.

Milfred then said, "I'll take you to bed, then. I have to brush my teeth first, though, so I won't get in until around a few minutes later."

"Excuse me?" said the Koopatrol.

"Nothing," said Milfred quickly.

The Hammer Bros. and the Koopatrol began to walk toward the bookcase, and yet as Twink hid, Peach just stood there like a dumb broad to increase the tension. She bumped right into Milfred, and he looked at her, shocked.

"Uh, Princess! Helloooo? You're, like, totally supposed to be in your room! Now, like, shoo! Me and Mikey have some 'work' to do tonight!" Milfred waved his hand at Peach in a strangely feminine way, and walked away with Michael the Koopatrol.

Peach shrugged and walked back to her room, once again conveniently getting the information she needed before she was caught.

---

**Dry Dry Desert**

"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" Mamar said joyfully. Mario and co. were outside the Dry Dry Ruins with the second Star Spirit now, and were saying their goodbyes to Mamar.

"No problem, Ma'am!" said Parakarry in a very formal gentlemanly tone.

Mario learned some cheap Star move called "Lullaby" which the author never really uses, and she drifted off to Star Haven to join Eldstar in waiting for the other five spirits.

Bombette, Kooper, Goombario, Parakarry, and Mario then triumphantly strode—or in Parakarry's case, flew—back to the Mt. Rugged Train Station.

The conductor greeted them with a joyous smile. "Hey there, folks!" he said. "Just git back on this 'ere train an' I'll take y'all back to Toad Town faster'n that blue-shelled Koopa on that—"

"Don't even start with that shit again," mumbled Bombette irritably as the train rode off into the sunset.

---

**A/N: **Joy, another chapter ending with the heroes riding into the sunset! And so, our favorite five adventurers traveled to the great Mt. Rugged, met the amazing lesbian sorceress Merlee and the lemon fanfic-loving Moustafa the Nomadimouse, uncovered Dry Dry Ruins, defeated the wizard Tutankoopa and his brain-dead pet Chain Chomp, and are now off to rescue five more Star Spirits in several more annoyingly long chapters!

Off you go to review, now!


	5. Chap 3: The Invincible Tubba Blubbabutt

**A/N: **La la la la, off to the incredibly weird Forever Forest we go! Fish paste.

---

**Chapter 3: The Invincible Tubba Blubbabutt**

As the five heroes returned to Toad Town, they exited the train, ignoring the conductor's very hard-to-understand goodbye. "G'luck t'y'all now, ya hear? An' you! Koopa feller! G'luck wit' that there Bob-omb chick!" he said.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll have the best luck possible," said Kooper, winking at the conductor behind Bombette's back.

As the gang walked around town and then got some rest, they wondered just where they had to go now. Luckily, the next morning, Twink greeted them outside a Toad House, and—

"A BUG! AAAAAAAAH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, BLOODSUCKING CRITTER!" cried Parakarry, smacking Twink silly with his packed mailbag.

Twink got back up, his left eye violently twitching, and gritted his teeth as he informed Mario and co. that Skolar, the third Star Spirit, had escaped the clutches of "Tubba Blubbabutt" in Forever Forest. Kooper, Goombario, Parakarry, and Mario all burst into hysterical snickers when they heard the villain's name, and Bombette bombed them all to get them to pay attention to what else Twink had to say. Twink then informed them to be careful when near the dark forest, and whispered to Mario that he still owed 50 coins to Peach for you-know-what by now.

"Shoot, how could I have forgotten?" mumbled Mario. "Listen, little Star Weirdo, tell that greedy slut Peach that she can shove those 50 coins up her ass for all I care!"

Twink grinned evilly. "I sure will!" he said, drifting off into the sky.

"Hee hee hee, Peach is going to kill you for that," said Goombario.

"_And you really think I didn't know that?_" snarled Mario.

On the way to the southern part of Toad Town, the five of them all heard a bloodcurdling shriek coming from the entrance to Forever Forest. They rushed over to investigate, and saw the forest guard Toad, Fice T., trembling with a frightened look on his face.

"Okay, what happened here?!" asked Bombette.

"Th-th-the ghosts…" stuttered Fice T., "the gg-g-ghosts are co-coming f-f-f-f-for me-ee…One of 'em just s-s-s-scared me…"

"I feel like I just stepped into a really clichéd horror movie," said Kooper.

Bombette sighed and said, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but…I agree with Kooper. Couldn't you make it a _bit _more scary? Make it something like _A Nightmare on Bean Street_. Now that was some scary stuff!"

"_This isn't a horror movie!!_" whined Fice T. "There really was a ghost that just popped up next to me and said, '_Oooooh…Don't ever come to this forest ever agaaaain…Or else I'll twist the head off of your Michael Koopson tickle doll! GAHAHAHAAHAHABLUHAHAHBLUH!_'"

Mario looked very tense then after hearing "Michael Koopson tickle doll". "I swear, I will never have anything to do with that god-forsaken doll ever again. Save yourself, wuss," said Mario. He began walking away.

Fice T. shuddered. "Uh…okay, listen…I'll give a love potion to that Bob-omb chick and make sure that the first thing she lays eyes on is that blue-shelled Koopa friend of yours. However, I'll do it only if you find out what the heck is going on in that forest!"

"Meh," said Mario, shrugging.

"Let's do it, Mario," whispered Goombario. "Man, this is going to be hilarious. Okay, here's the plan: We find out what's going on in the forest, we get Fice T. to give the love potion to Bombette, we'll take pictures of her and Kooper making out, and then auction them off on eBay! We'll be millionaires, man!"

Mario stopped to think. "Now that I think about it…" he said quietly to himself, "okay, let's do it."

Goombario simply smiled. The two walked back to the Forever Forest entrance and agreed that they would find out what was going on in the forest. Fice T. gleefully told them to enter the forest, and ran away.

"Is that pansy even going to help us?!" cried Parakarry.

"What did you think he would do?" said Kooper.

"…Help us," said Parakarry.

Kooper rolled his eyes.

However, the gang of five had just entered the forest and were well on their way until an old Boo with shut eyes and thick gray facial hair materialized before the adventurers.

"Greetings," said the Boo in a hushed, calm tone, "me, several other Boos, and the princess of Boo Mansion have been waiting for you a very long time…"

"Whatever, Grampa," said Mario. "What's going on in this forest? Are you the guy who scared that pansy forest guard back there?"

"Indeed I was," said the Boo, "but he deserves it nonetheless, since it'll teach him to never invade our wonderful dark forest. In fact, I've been scaring him for the past 18 years, and he still hasn't noticed that it's just been the same exact Boo with a different wig each time."

Goombario did his trademark low whistle. "That's clever of you," he said, "but just what do you want us in this forest for?"

"To…um…EAT YOUR BRAINS!" screeched the Boo. Kooper squealed in fright and jumped on Bombette. Unfortunately, Bombette did not have arms to hold Kooper, and she was squashed under him. Parakarry chuckled.

"Alright, you little punks, let's get down to business!" barked the Boo in a suddenly very serious tone. "I will meet you again at the Boo Mansion, in the center of this forest, and fill you in on the details of our problem. You better come, or else…"

"Or else what?" said Mario.

"…**_OR ELSE WE WILL MAKE YOU PLAY THE ATARI 2600 ADAPTION OF "E.T., THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL!_**"

Everyone shrieked incredibly loud, even Mario. "WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY!" said Kooper, bending down on his knees. "JUST DON'T MAKE US PLAY THAT GOD-AWFUL GAME!"

"Okay, great, then everything's settled," said the Boo. "Ta-ta!" He vanished as our heroes cautiously tiptoed into the pitch-black forest.

---

**Forever Forest**

"So I was wondering," said Goombario as Mario and co. were walking through a small passage deeper into the forest, "why do they call it the Forever Forest?"

"Because it goes on forever?" Parakarry guessed. Bombette shuddered at the thought.

"HALT!" yelled a voice behind a bush. Out of the thicket hopped a green Fuzzy. "We, the Forest Fuzzies, will dispose of you low-down dirty intruders. Kevin! James! Clyde! Let's do this!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 20 FP: 25

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

VS.

Forest Fuzzies HP: 6 each

Mario hammers Forest Fuzzy Leader. Does 4 damage.

"You guys are still as easy as you were in Koopa Village," Mario said.

"Hm? So YOU drove our relatives out of there? Oh, now it's personal, all right!" shouted the Forest Fuzzy Leader.

Forest Fuzzy Leader latches on to Mario and attacks. Does 1 damage, replenishes 1 HP.

"CURSES!" yelled Mario.

Goombario headbonks Forest Fuzzy Leader. Does 3 damage.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the leader as he disappeared.

"Uh…" said Clyde the Forest Fuzzy.

Kevin, James, and Clyde use Pussy Out. They run from battle.

"Wow, that's actually pretty sad," said Bombette.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Easiest battle ever," said Goombario.

"If it was so easy, why did I get 1 damage?" said Mario.

"Pffft!" said Kooper. "No difference."

"Hey, I just had the GREATEST idea, guys!" cried Bombette joyfully. "How about we shut up and keep moving?!"

"You're beautiful when you're using sarcasm," muttered Kooper in his mushy drawl.

The group advanced further through the forest, solving very odd puzzles to get to the next area of the forest. Of course, they would continuously get pissed off because of taking the wrong paths and winding back up where they started. Ooooh, mysterious space-time continuum rupture!

Eventually, the group of five reached the center of the forest, seeing a sign that said, "Boo's Mansion straight up ahead. That is, straight up ahead after a GAUNTLET OF CERTAIN DEATH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! Okay, seriously, it's just up ahead. Stop reading this sign." They raised their eyebrows at the odd sign, walked straight forward to the Boo Mansion, and stopped in front of it.

Goombario gave off a low whistle, of course. "Big place," he muttered.

"You're telling me," said Parakarry. "Why in the world does everything in this chapter have to be so large and confusing to get through?"

When Parakarry finished his reasonably true sentence, the same old Boo from before materialized in front of the gang again.

"Greetings," he said in his distant, calm tone. "I see you actually bothered to come here, and that's a good thing. It proves to me that you are all not stupid enough to want to play abysmal Atari games."

The group shuddered violently again at the thought of playing "E.T., The Extraterrestrial" on the 2600, and nodded absentmindedly.

"Now to take care of things, shall we?" said the Boo. "My name is Bootler, and I live here at this mansion to cater to the mansion's mistress, Lady Bow. She will tell you the details when you get inside, because I'm such a cheap bastard that I can't just tell you about our problem already and will instead force you to find some stupid old portrait in order to meet the mistress. God, I love this job!"

"I beg your pardon?" said Parakarry.

"See you inside!" Bootler said quickly. He disappeared and left the heroes to find the portrait to a frame on the mansion's second floor like the cheap bastard he was.

Our five heroes entered the mansion, and were again amazed by the size of the place. They began solving several puzzles to get through the mansion, and then reached an event that was pretty much important enough to go into detail about.

Mario and co. entered a room that was basically empty except for a record player and a Boo guarding a treasure chest.

The Boo airily said to Mario, "By the orders of the great Lady Bow, I WILL NOT leave my post! You'll never get the thingy in this treasure chest without going through me first!" He started wildly flying around the chest to prevent the adventurers from getting whatever the item was. However, Goombario looked at the record player nearby, then at the record he got in the mansion earlier, and a wide grin spread across his face. He went up to the record player and began playing the record, wildly cranking the handle thingy on the player so the record would play properly. The record turned out to be "_Gettin' Jiggy Wit It_" by Will Smith, and the Boo perked up when he heard it. He then began to dance a small jig, and was eventually floating towards the record player, waving his fins around and shaking what his momma gave him.

"Oh yeah! Uh-huh, gettin' jiggy wit it! Na na na na na na-na, na na na na na-na! Gettin' jiggy wit it! Man, I love this song!" the Boo cried happily. He continued to dance as Mario inched toward the chest, opened it, and found a heavy weight inside. He had no idea what it was for, but he didn't really care right now. The five friends left the room before the Boo could realize they were gone.

Goombario found out that the weight had to be used to weigh down a chandelier in the main mansion room, causing a grandfather clock to slide across the wall and reveal a hidden doorway. The five adventurers curiously entered the hidden room, and were surprised when they saw a pair of Super Boots lying in the middle of the room, just waiting there for Mario to put them on. Of course, it wouldn't be that easy to get them, because Boos are annoying, playful little things like that. A whole group of Boos popped up, and the leader of them commanded them to circle around the boots, then he picked them up. The leader said, "By the order of Lady Bow, we will keep these very helpful power-ups away from you, even though you'll obviously win the little game we're about to play and take them for yourself!" He started to toss the boots to other Boos, then they tossed the boots to other Boos, then THEY tossed the boots to OTHER Boos, and then—

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" yelled the Boo leader at the screen.

So, to make a long story short, Mario hammered three different Boos that possessed the Super Boots, and therefore won the Boos' little "game".

"Curses…Let's get outta here, guys!" said the leader of the small Boo group to the others. Before he flew away with the other Boos, though, he turned to Mario and said, "Congratulations on winning our game, but can you make it to Lady Bow?" He then disappeared with the other Boos. Mario picked the Super Boots up.

**YOU GOT THE SUPER BOOTS!! NOW YOUR LAME JUMP ATTACK DOES A BIT MORE DAMAGE! WHOOP-DE-FREAKING-DOO!**

Mario went back to a room he found with Kooper earlier, did a Ground Pound with his new Super Boots on the boarded-up part of the floor, landed in a library down below, and said to the partners back up on the first floor, "Guys, it looks like I'll only need Parakarry down here. In the meantime, Goombario, Kooper, and Bombette can occupy themselves with something."

Parakarry happily flew down, sticking his tongue out at the other partners as he went to help the fat plumber. Kooper turned to the other two partners. "Hey, I know the PERFECT thing we could do to occupy our time! How about a nice rousing game of Spin the Bottle?" he said, his eyes constantly flicking over to Bombette.

"Uh…okay then," said Goombario.

"Heck no!" yelled Bombette. "I'm not playing a game like Spin the Bottle with you, loser!" She glared at Kooper.

Kooper, being as he was, just had his eyes form into hearts again as he grinned. He picked up a nearby empty cola bottle and sat down in front of it, preparing to spin it. Goombario sat down too, with Bombette being hesitant at first, but then heavily sighing and sitting down across from Goombario. Kooper pushed the bottle, and it started to spin. He fiercely watched it, his eyes shining, praying that it would point towards Bombette when it stopped. Eventually, the bottle did stop…

…On Kooper.

Bombette looked as if she was about to die of laughter, knowing what was coming. Kooper whined a bit, then looked back at the bottle pointing right back at him, and slowly started kissing, rubbing, touching, and licking himself in areas you wouldn't want to know about, right in front of the other two heroes. Goombario looked sick, while Bombette looked highly amused.

Thankfully for poor Kooper, Mario and Parakarry came back up from another area and entered the room through the door, and Parakarry almost threw up when he saw Kooper making out with himself. Mario sighed, told Kooper to knock it off, and exited the room with everyone else, with the poor blue-shelled Koopa last in line. Mario and co. then hurried up to the second floor and noticed a large blank frame in the middle of the wall.

"Guess that's where the picture is supposed to go…" said Parakarry, taking out the picture that he found with Mario in the library.

He popped the picture, which looked remarkably like Bootler at a younger age, into the frame, and suddenly the frame burst into laughter. "MWA HA HA HA HA!" it boomed. "Thanks for finding me after all these years! I was stuck in that dusty library for 50 years, for Pete's sake! You'd think the Boos would find me and put me back in my frame, but nooooo, they just have to be cheap bastards and make poor fat Italians like you look for them to waste your valuable time."

"Whoa!" cried Mario. "You know EXACTLY how I feel!!"

The picture laughed again. "Okay, now, all of you just hop into me, and I'll get you to the mansion's mistress in a jiffy."

"Wow, it's just like Super Mario 64, but we're hopping into the painting of some old cheap bastard instead of a painting of marching Bob-ombs!" said Goombario, quite excited about hopping into the frame.

"I wonder if the inside of his body is what makes up the level…" pondered Bombette.

Mario rolled his eyes. "You people seem to be forgetting that we're looking for some mistress, not a super-secret Mario 64 level," he said.

"That's your opinion," said Parakarry.

The five heroes finally just jumped into the painting, and landed on the third floor, which seemed to be hidden from the rest of the mansion.

"SHIT!" shouted Kooper. "I FEEL LIKE I JUST WENT ON THE WORLD'S BEST 1.5-SECOND ACID TRIP! WE WERE, LIKE, GOING THROUGH VORTEXES BACK THERE, MAN!"

"Great," Goombario muttered. Mario strode up to a double staircase that led to a high platform with two resting chairs on it. A young green-white female Boo wearing two red-yellow bows on the sides of her head materialized before him, then Bootler.

"Well," the female Boo began, "you actually made it through the official Cheap Bastard Challenge, huh? I'm impressed. Maybe that means you can help us after all."

"Seriously, lady," said Goombario, "out with it already! Just what do you want help with? Is your toilet backed up? If so, then Mario's the plumber for y—"

"HUSH!" barked the female Boo. "My name is Bow. Yes, the same Lady Bow that Bootler told you about. And you all are?"

"Goombario," said Goombario.

"Kooper," said Kooper.

"Bombette," said Bombette.

"…and Parakarry too!" Parakarry chimed in.

"And I'm Mario, savior of the Mushroom Kingdom," muttered Mario.

"Shut up, fatty!" Bow snapped. "I know very well who you are! What are you, King of the Plungers?" She laughed heartily with Bootler.

"Hey Mario," said Bootler in a more casual tone than usual, "shouldn't you be over at the Septic Kingdom? Toilets are overflowing everywhere around there, and only you can help them!" He laughed even harder with Bow as Mario scowled.

"Oh, hey, Mario!" shouted Bow. "Clodser, Lord of the Backed-up Sinks, has kidnapped Princess Urinal Cake again! You must save her!" She laughed harder than ever now.

"Uh…" said Bootler, "hmm…Hey, hey! Mario! You're so fat, that…uh…you broke the scale! Hehehehehehe!"

Bow slapped Bootler. "Damn it, Bootler! Way to ruin the whole rehearsal, you twit! We could have become the new King and Queen of Comedy, but of course, you had to throw in the worst joke imaginable!"

"So, did we come here to have some annoying little chit-chat, or did we come to hear your problem?" Bombette grumbled.

Bow then got serious and said, "Okay, listen up: There's this creature who lives in Gusty Gulch, like, right next to here, y'know? His name is Tubba Blubba, and he, well, gobbles up Boos like us for breakfast, brunch, lunch, snacks, linner, dinner, dinsert, dessert, and midnight snacks, alright? But now that you're here and you're, you know, famous for beating up a lot of bad guys, we were thinking you could, uh, beat him for us? That's it in a nutshell, basically."

"Wait…The only reason we got into this mess was to find out who was scaring Fice T., then Bombette and Kooper would have sex, and that'd be the end of it," said Parakarry. "Now we need to get caught up in your problems?"

"Of course," said Bow. "That is, if you're really looking for…this!" A cage then lowered from the ceiling, covered by a curtain.

"Oh boy, a strip show! Complete with a cage and everything!" Kooper excitedly whispered to Mario.

"There's no stripper in this cage," said Bow as the curtain began to slip off, "only a…STAR SPIRIT!!! _DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!_"

Everyone looked at her strangely.

"Heh, sorry…I just can't resist putting in that little sound effect," said Bow, and she chuckled.

Mario took a look at the cage and saw that Skolar the Star Spirit was in it. "WHOA!" yelled Mario. "HOW DID A STAR SPIRIT GET IN THERE?!!"

"Mm…Sorry to meet you in such a situation as this, Mario…" said Skolar, a hologram of himself in front of the playing card he was sealed in.

"How did you escape from wherever you were being held?" Goombario asked.

"Twink told you that I escaped at the beginning of the chapter! God, you're all so stupid," said Skolar.

"Oh, yeah…" said Mario.

"Listen, you five," said Bow, "me and Bootler will only release this Star Spirit if you do one of two things: A, the plumber sleeps with me, or B, you help us defeat Tubba Blubba."

Mario looked shocked. "…Could I see what's behind door number 3?" he asked, grinning weakly.

Bow slapped him hard. "Dumbass, I clearly said, 'if you do one of TWO THINGS!' TWO!!" she snapped.

Mario looked defeated for a moment, but then decided to settle with B, since he had no other choice.

"Now, where's this Tubba guy, anyway?" Parakarry asked Bow.

"IDIOT!" she screamed, slapping him silly. "I _SAID_ HE LIVED IN GUSTY GULCH, RIGHT NEXT TO HERE! DO YOU MORONS EVER LISTEN?!"

"Not really," said Kooper.

Bow then slapped Kooper like crazy. "SHUT UP!" she yelled at him.

"Why did you slap him? He didn't do anything to you!" cried Goombario.

"YOU SHUT UP TOO!" Bow yelled, slapping Goombario, then slapping Bombette before she even said anything.

"Uh, my lady…" said Bootler in a worried tone, "I have a bad feeling about you leaving to fight Tubba Blubba. Your ancestors would be disgraced if their youngest descendant got herself killed fighting a monster, and…well…you're just plain bitchy at times for no reason."

Bow slapped her butler in anger, and found herself floating around everyone else who had been knocked out cold by her slapping frenzy. She shrugged and floated off to the gate leading to Gusty Gulch. Everyone else woke up about two hours later and ran after her.

**BOW JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN USE HER TO BECOME INVISIBLE AND AVOID ENEMIES BECAUSE MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO HIDE BEHIND SOMETHING!**

---

**Gusty Gulch**

Bow had waited for a couple hours, but Mario and friends were finally conscious again and had run over to the gate leading to Gusty Gulch. As soon as a couple Boos opened the gate for them, maybe because Bow is as much of a lazy ass as Mario, they entered the sandy, warm area. They came to a very small village in the gulch populated by around 50 Boos, some run-down houses, some slightly better-looking houses, and a windmill. A sandy-white Boo rushed over to Bow as soon as she entered the village.

"BOW! LADY BOW! OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE!" cried the Boo. "It was him! He ate Herbert!"

"Uh, right…Who're you again?" said Bow dumbly.

"…Hello? I'm Franky, Bow! You remember me!" said Frankly.

"I can't remember the names of any of you poor fools," said Bow.

"OH YEAH! WAY TO GO, YOU BITCH! WAY TO PICK ON THE LITTLE GUY!" Franky cried and flew away.

"So who was the 'him' Franky was talking about?" Goombario asked Bow.

"Most likely Tubba Blubba," said Bow casually. "Whenever these hobos talk about 'him', it's always Tubba Blubba."

Another Boo rushed up to Bow. "Lady, Lady!" he said. "Did ya hear? Tubba ate poor Herbert!"

"Who?" said Bow.

"OH, POOR, POOR HERBERT! HE WAS TOO YOUNG!" cried the Boo.

"Wha?" said Bow.

"OH LADY, YOUR POOR, POOR BROTHER HERBERT!!" the Boo continued to cry.

"Eh? Who?" said Bow.

"OH, SCREW OFF, YOU CARELESS DITZ!" screamed the Boo, floating away and bursting into tears.

"What'd I say?" say Bow irritably to Mario. He just rolled his eyes, amazed at her stupidity.

"SHIT!" cried a voice from the end of the village. "TUBBA BLUBBA'S COMIN' BACK FOR LINNER!"

"Oh no, we have to hide!" said Bow. She covered Mario and co. with her invisibility move as Franky wondered where everyone rushed off to.

"_Franky!_" snarled the now-invisible Bow. "_Hide! Tubba Blubba is coming!_"

"Hm? Did that bush just talk to me, or am I hallucinating?" said Franky as a large blue Clubba crept up behind him…

Bow slapped her forehead as Franky turned around and became wide-eyed. There, looking into his eyes with an evil glare, was Tubba Blubba, a giant Clubba with flaming red hair similar to Bowser's, a purple shell, a huge mouth, and a patch over his chest.

"Mmm! Linner!" said Tubba as he grabbed Franky and ate him before he had a chance to scream out for help. Tubba licked his lips and left the village, heading back to his castle. Bow became solid again along with Mario and co. and the rest of the Gusty Gulch Boos.

"Oh, no! Poor Franky!" cried one of the Boos.

"Who?" said Bow.

Everyone glared at Bow and screamed, "OH, SCREW OFF! CARELESS WHORE!" as they vanished out of sight. Bow shrugged, saying, "What on earth did I say?!"

---

**Tubba Blubba's Castle**

Bow, Mario, Bombette, Goombario, Kooper, and Parakarry had now arrived at the magnificent sight of Gusty Gulch, which was none other than the castle of Tubba Blubba. They walked inside, and noticed floating white creatures with crane-like claws floating around the entrance hall.

"Ooh, pretty flying ghosties!" cried Kooper as he ran over to try and poke one. The creature floated down to Kooper, picked him up along with Mario and the other partners, and dropped them right back out the door. This process was repeated around 50 times until Mario got pissed, threw the biggest temper tantrum of his yet, killed all the floating crane creatures, and had Bombette threaten Kooper by telling him that he would permanently lose his manhood if he tried poking something in Tubba's castle again. The party of six ran all across the castle, solving puzzles unworthy of describing, until they fell through a gigantic crack in the floor and landed on a hiding Boo under the staircase, one by one.

"Watch where you're going, foo'!" yelled the Boo.

"Oh, hey there, Herbert," mumbled Bow.

"'Sup, Sis?" said Herbert. "I hear that everyone in Gusty Gulch thinks I was eaten by Tubba earlier today."

"Well, that is indeed what everyone's saying," said Goombario. "How did you escape from Tubba's stomach, anyhow?"

"He didn't really swallow me whole," said Herbert, "it did look to everyone like I was swallowed, but I actually held on to Tubba's uvula on the way back to the castle, and I floated out of his mouth when he was asleep."

Goombario did his trademark low whistle, yet again. "That's slick," he said with admiration.

"Thanks," said Herbert. "Hey, you guys wanna know some stuff about Tubba while you're here? Be warned, though! You need to give me something in exchange for information."

Mario smiled. "I've got a Mushroom right here," he said, and gave it to Bow's cunning brother.

"Great," said Herbert, "just great, Mario. Okay, listen up. Lots of people believe that this is just some silly rumor, but I think I may have an idea of it being true: They say that Tubba has a big secret relating to his invincibility that would absolutely expose and ruin him if it was found out. They say that the guide to the secret is, in fact, the 'key to the windmill' in Gusty Gulch, and the key is supposedly found in a large chest in Tubba Blubba's bedroom. I did see a large chest when I left his room, so we may have just found out the "Invincible" Tubba Blubba's weakness. The question is, can we survive in order to prove the rumor is true? Aaaaand, that's all I can tell you for one thing you give to me. Give me something else, and I'll give you some more mind-blowing information!"

"Nah, thanks, Herbert," said Bow, "but I'm sure we've gotten all the information we needed. Right, Mario?"

But Mario was thinking something else at the moment…

**Two hours later…**

"…And did you know that 1 + 1 2?" said Herbert with enthusiasm to Mario.

"WHOA! I NEVER KNEW THAT, MAN!!" cried Mario in amazement. "YOU'RE FREAKING SMART!"

Bow slapped her forehead in exasperation and screeched in anger. "MARIO!" she screamed. "YOU GODDAMN IDIOT! HERBERT HAS BEEN TELLING YOU THE SAME EXACT THING FOR THE PAST TWO DAMN HOURS, AND YOU'VE WASTED EVERY ITEM, COIN, AND ARTICLE OF CLOTHING WE HAVE TO HEAR IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND **AGAIN!!!!**"

Mario shrugged. "Eh, what're you gonna do?" he said, completely nude without his clothes, while Goombario was without his baseball cap, Kooper and Parakarry were without their shells and T-shirts, Bow was bowless, and Bombette was…well…for the most, she looked the same as always.

Suddenly, a group of three Clubbas jumped down from the floor crack and right onto Herbert, knocking him out cold. The Clubbas rubbed their butts in pain, turned over to Mario and co., and said, "HA! There you fools are! Now we'll take you to Master Tubba Blubba and—" they noticed that our heroes had no clothes on. "HOLY SHIT!" they all yelled. "Did we just step into a porno or something?! Put some clothes on, sheesh!"

Mario and co. got their clothes back from the knocked-out Herbert, got dressed, and ran away back up to the first floor as quickly as possible, also losing the three Clubbas in their tracks. They cautiously went through the rest of the castle, and finally got to the hallway that led to Tubba's room. Just then, Bow sensed that something was amiss.

"Hmm…I sense that something is amiss," said Bow—wait a minute!

Mario, Goombario, Kooper, Parakarry, and Bombette then found out what Bow meant when they saw Tubba Blubba at the end of the hallway. And he was approaching fast.

"Duuuuhhh…I smell somethin' really fishy, hur hur hur!" said Tubba in a very slow and stupid drawl. "Smells like sardines! Maybe tuna! Either way, it smells REALLY fishy! Oh wait, now it smells like salmon, hur hur…" He continued walking down the hallway as Bow turned herself invisible along with Mario and co. He saw that no one was in the hallway after all, turned back, and went to sleep in his bedroom. As soon as the coast was clear, the six adventurers slowly creaked the giant door to Tubba's room open, tiptoeing over to a large treasure chest placed conveniently near his bed.

Mario quietly poked open the treasure chest as Tubba began drowsily singing in his sleep, "_Oh Mr. Sandman, bring me a dreeeeam…Make him the cutest dream that I've ever seeeen…hur hur…_"

However, a little opening in the chest was all that was needed, since an odd-looking key then flew out, with the teeth shaped into a mouth and a red ribbon tied onto the loop handle.

"Heytherehow'stheweathertodaypeople?!!!?" the key said extremely fast. "HellotheretoyouallmynameisYakkeythegreatbabblingkeytotheGustyGulchWindmillheyhow'reyoualldoin'todayremembertoleavemeareviewhahahaahahahahayeahyou'reallagreatbunch!!!!!!!"

"Eh?" said Kooper as he tilted his head to the side.

"Hmm? I don't remember you people…" Yakkey said, apparently looking around at Mario and co. "Wait, lemme guess…You're trying to find Tubba Blubba's weakness, right?"

"Yes, we are!" whispered Bombette gleefully. "You mean he really has a weakness??"

"He sure does, li'l lady!" said Yakkey with a hearty laugh. "Like I said when I introduced myself in that barely readable text, I'm the key to the Windy Mill in Gusty Gulch! Oh, and by the way…TUBBA! COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! GET THE HELL OUTTA BED, YA LUMP! SOME FAT ITALIAN PLUMBER, A BOB-OMB CHICK, A FLYING MAILMAN, A LOVESTRUCK BLUE-SHELLED KOOPA, A HIGHLY INTELLIGENT CHOCOLATE CHIP, AND A FEMALE BOO ARE HERE TO KIDNAP ME!!"

Tubba woke up at once and leaped out of bed. "Fat Italian plumber?" he said in his low drawl. "Hur hur…that sounds like the description for that Mario guy that King Bowser told me to look out for…"

"IT **IS **MARIO, TWIT!" bellowed Yakkey. "NOWGETMEOUTTATHEIRCLUTCHESBEFORETHEYFINDOUTYOURSECRETYAKYAKYAKYAKYAKYAKYAKYAK—"

Before I could even finish typing out all the "yaks" in that sentence, Mario and co. ran out of Tubba's room at the speed of light, and a Scooby-Doo-esque chase scene started when Tubba Blubba ran after them, yelling angrily. The theme music to "Ghostbusters" was playing in the chase scene, much to Bow's displeasure, although the other partners stopped for a split second to get down with their bad selves to the song before running again.

Eventually, Kooper tripped and rolled into Goombario, the two of them rolled into Bow, the three of them rolled into Bombette, and also engulfed Parakarry and Mario until the six of them looked like a large multicolored snowball racing down the final staircase, bowling over the trio of Clubba guards from earlier. The snowball of partners then fell apart as they departed from the castle's entrance doors, and our heroes all shook their heads vigorously and dusted themselves off when they noticed some Gusty Gulch Boos rushing over to the door to hold it shut.

"What in the world are you all doing?" cried Bow.

"As much of a selfish uncaring bitch as you are, Bow, you're still our princess, and we must protect you!" said one of the Boos gallantly as they all blockaded the door with their own weight.

"Uh, I suppose that's pretty sweet of you," she responded. "Good luck getting eaten while we run away scot-free!"

Of course, the party of six ran to the windmill, and Tubba still pounded on the blockaded door furiously, and also tried politely asking it to open.

---

**Windy Mill**

"GYAAAAH!" squawked Yakkey. "LEGGO O' ME!"

"Screw you too, buddy," said Mario as he unlocked the Windy Mill and rushed in with Bow. Parakarry and the others agreed to stand guard outside the mill, so Mario and Bow were on their own now. They entered the underground part of the windmill and battled a few brand-new Hyper Insurance Salesman Goombas while passing signs that said things such as "NO ENTRY!", "ABSOLUTELY NO ENTRY!", and "OKAY, SERIOUSLY, COMPLETELY **_NO ENTRY WHATSOEVER!!!_**...pretty please?"

Finally, they entered a rather large room with a huge stump in the middle. To the surprise of Mario and Bow, the hairy, red, pulsating, heart-shaped thing resting on the stump was actually A HEART!! WHOA, WHO WOULDA GUESSED?

"Hm?" mumbled the heart as he looked at the duo with his murderous yellow eyes. "Oh, no…" it then said.

"So YOU'VE been Tubba Blubba's secret all along?" said Bow, pointing at the heart.

"Yeah, but that's not what I was angry about…I just forgot to practice my scary look before you arrived. Yep, that's it," said Tubba Blubba's heart, lamely baring a small pair of fangs.

Mario looked confused. "There's one thing I just don't understand: How can Tubba Blubba still live if his heart was removed from his body? Better yet, how could simply doing that make him invincible?"

"Shut up," the heart said curtly. "Go ask the developers of this game, not me. Sheesh…"

To nobody's surprise, here comes a wonderful battle sequence.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 25 FP: 25

Bow

VS.

Tubba Blubba's Heart HP: 50

Mario uses Power Jump on Tubba's Heart. Does 6 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 4 damage.

"Mmm…" said the heart, "I suppose you'll be tougher to defeat than I expected…Well, g'bye!"

Tubba jumps on Mario. Whoo-hoo. Does 6 damage.

Mario uses Hammer Throw on Tubba's Heart. Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 3 damage.

Tubba's heart charges his attack by a whopping 6 points!

"Uh-huh, oh yeah! Nothin' can beat me now!" cried the heart triumphantly.

"Wanna bet?" said Bow.

"Sure," said the heart. "How many coins?"

"50 coins, so when we win, Mario can pay Peach back for Monday night," said Bow.

"I already told her she could shove those 50 coins up her ass!" yelled Mario.

Mario jumps on Tubba's heart. Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Outta Sight on Mario because he's a lazy fatass and can't hide behind something. Mario is invisible during the enemy's attack.

Tubba's Heart is apparently stupid, since he still unleashes his huge 12-damage attack when Mario is clearly invisible. Has no effect.

Outta Sight wears off.

Mario uses Power Jump on Tubba's Heart. Does 6 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 3 damage.

"Grrr…" growled the heart, charging his attack power again. "And this time, you better not try protecting that fat plumber!" he yelled to Bow.

"And if I do?" said Bow.

"I WILL MAKE YOU THE UGLIEST BOO IN ALL THE LAND!" Tubba's heart cried, and cackled.

"EEEEK!" squealed Bow. "Sorry, Mario…"

Mario looked at Bow in a dumbfounded manner. "I will forever hate you for this," he said through gritted teeth.

Mario jumps on Tubba's heart. Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 4 damage.

The heart, now down to 12 HP, said, "Okay, no more messing around…TAKE THIS!"

Tubba's heart uses a massive energy blast. Does 12 damage to Mario and knocks Bow out for 3 turns.

"Oww…" whined Mario, now down to 7 HP.

Mario uses Power Jump on Tubba's heart. Does 6 damage.

Tubba's heart jumps on Mario. Does 6 damage.

"BWAHAHAHA!" laughed the sinister heart. "Behold, the mighty Mario is down to 1 HP while I still have 6 HP! Now, I will defeat you and—"

Mario uses Power Jump while Tubba's heart is too distracted with gloating. Does 6 damage.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

**---**

"YOW!" yelled Tubba Blubba's heart. "Shoot, I lost…And I was just about to win…It's not fair…Now the secret of me and Tubba has been exposed…We're…ruined…BUT NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!!" The heart jumped out the open door of the room before Mario and Bow could say anything, and they quickly chased after it.

The duo then left the mill and reunited with the four other adventurers as Tubba's heart leaped right into Tubba's mouth, who had been coming to Gusty Gulch for dinsert when he finally broke through the blockaded door and ate the brave Boos that risked their lives for Bow.

"Hur…I feel all funny…" said Tubba. "Oh…oh YEAH! I feel good, da na na na na na na! I feel good, da na na na na na—"

"Now's not the time for a musical number," snapped Bow. "We've got a score to settle, Tubba Blubba."

"Hmmm, right," mumbled Tubba. "Okay, be prepared, 'cause I'm about to destroy all six of you little intruders, along with the rest of this delicious village!"

"Bring it!" snarled Mario. "…Oh, wow, did I actually say that? Dear lord, I am so sorry…"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 25 FP: 25

Bow

VS.

Tubba Blubba HP: 10

Mario sneezes. Does 10,000 damage to Tubba Blubba.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

**---**

"OW!" shouted Tubba. "Oooh, I don't feel so good…" He toppled over and threw up all the Boos he had eaten the past several years.

"Franky! Jimmy! Mark! Zippy! You're all alive!" cried the Gusty Gulch inhabitants gleefully as the hundred or so Boos rushed out of the villainous but pretty damn weak villain's mouth.

"Oh, Lady!" called out Bootler, wheeling over a shrouded cage. "I don't believe it, you've actually defeated that monster! Oh, your ancestors would be so proud!"

"Yeah yeah yeah," said Bow as she unlocked the cage and threw the playing card containing Skolar to Mario. Generic description of flashy sequence goes here. **_END OF CHAPTER!!!_**

---

**Peach's Castle**

"Hello, Twink!" said Peach as the Star Kid flew quietly through the balcony window and over to her.

"What's up, Princess?" said Twink. "Mario and all his friends are doing just fine so far, so I'm sure they'll be alright. That silly fat plumber should rescue you and the castle in no time. Also, Mario wanted me to tell you something…" Twink whispered what Mario had said about owing 50 coins to Peach in the princess' ear, and she immediately turned red.

"THAT FAT ITALIAN BASTARD!" shrieked Peach. "WAIT'LL I SHOW HIM!"

"So Peach, you wanna sneak around and eventually get caught again?" said Twink.

"Sounds neat to me," Peach responded.

So they took the hidden passage behind the fireplace in Peach's room…and saw Bowser and Kammy Koopa in Bowser's room.

"WHAT?!" screamed Bowser. "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!! MARIO DEFEATING THE INVINCIBLE TUBBA BLUBBA?! Say it ain't so, Kammy."

"I'm sorry, sir, but it seems Mario actually found out Tubba's weakness," said Kammy with heavy remorse in her voice.

"Hm?" said Bowser, looking over at Peach, who had just entered the room through the hidden passageway. "Peach! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in your room?"

"Your Idioticness…" said Kammy, "you mean you didn't even hear the loud noise of the rotating fireplace and you didn't notice Peach in the room until now?"

"Damn right!" yelled Bowser, slapping Kammy a high-five. "Haha, I just love how stupid video game developers make us sometimes! It's comic gold!"

"Excuse me…?" said Peach, "don't you want me to go to my room?"

"Well, actually, Peach…" said Bowser, stroking his chin in thought, "I think you should stay in here. We'd love to ask you a few questions."

Twink nervously hid behind something as Peach sat down in a chair. Bowser proceeded to tell her about Muskular, the fourth Star Spirit, being held in Shy Guy's Toy Box, as Twink overheard him. Then Bowser started asking the questions that he needed Peach for.

"So, Princess…Be a good little girl and tell me what Mario's three greatest weaknesses are!" said Bowser.

"Hold on, sir. I'll ask her about them one-by-one," suggested Kammy. The old worm/Magikoopa walked up to Peach and asked her, "Now, which of these is Mario's third-greatest weakness?" A window of three options popped up on the screen, and Peach thought for a minute.

She was pretty pissed at Mario for saying that she could "shove those 50 coins up her ass", but she still knew that Mario needed the best help he could get, and she chose "Mushroom" from the options. Kammy then asked about the two other weaknesses, and Peach said "Thunder Rage" and "Super Soda", and that was that.

"Alright, so…" began Kammy, checking off Mario's "weaknesses" from the short list, "we'll need a Mushroom, a Thunder Rage, and a Super Soda. Hahahaha, Mario will be cringing in pain and begging for mercy soon enough!" She cackled and flew away on her broomstick.

"Uh, Kammy…I don't think—" Bowser began to call out, but he knew that she had already left, and didn't feel like wasting 10 coins to call her on the pay phone outside the castle. "Okay, princess, go back to your room…" he mumbled in a strangely sad tone as he left the room.

Peach did go back to her room, getting the information she needed before going back for the third time in a row.

---

**Gusty Gulch**

Mario and friends said goodbye to Skolar the Star Spirit after he gave them his warmhearted thanks and taught Mario the Star Storm ability, AKA The Best Damn Star Power In The Whole Game. Bow then nervously floated over to Mario.

"Um…" said Bow. "…I suppose this is goodbye. Thank you for letting me help you beat Tubba Blubba and all. I'll see you some other…some other…" She fell sadly silent.

"**OHPLEASELETMEJOINYOURQUESTOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE!!!!!!!!**" she suddenly yelled.

Mario, getting a headache from all of that yelling, painfully nodded his head. "Sure, just don't pop my goddamn eardrums…" he mumbled.

**BOW HAS NOW_ REALLY _JOINED YOUR PARTY!!**

"Okay, let's get this show on the road!" she said, brandishing her fan and cackling shrilly.

The six heroes were about to leave when Bootler rushed over to Bow. "Lady, please don't go…" he whined. "There are even worse dangers out there than Tubba Blubba…There's gangsters, and Piranha Plants, and Michael Koopson tickle dolls, and chaotic disasters, and reality shows, and…" He stopped and whimpered as Bow shot him a death glare, and he floated away, wishing her good luck.

---

**Forever Forest**

Mario, Bombette, Kooper, Parakarry, Goombario, and Bow were just about to leave the forest and go back to Toad Town, when Mario saw a familiar psychotic face near the entrance of the forest, panting for air.

"Oh, I need to get out of this forest!" said Jr. Troopa. "I could literally make out with the ground of Toad Town right now!"

"Ewww!" said Goombario, who had been right behind the little Koopa.

"Hm?" said Jr. Troopa, turning around to see Mario and co. "Mario! Oh, thank goodness!...I mean, A-HA!"

Mario rolled his eyes.

"Who is this little shrimp?" said Bow.

"Don't ask me," said Mario.

"You know darn well who I am, Mario!" cried Jr. Troopa. "And I'm going to finish you off this time!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 25 FP: 25

Bow

Parakarry

Bombette

Kooper

Goombario

VS.

Jr. Troopa HP: 40

"Check it out, plumber boy!" said Jr. Troopa. "I have a new ability!" He spinned around and sprouted a pair of bat wings and took to midair. "Let's see you get me now!" he said triumphantly.

"With pleasure!" said Bow.

Mario uses Power Bounce. Does 8 damage to Jr. Troopa.

Bow uses Slap. Does 0 damage.

Jr. Troopa swoops at Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario uses Power Bounce. Does 6 damage to Jr. Troopa.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot. Does 4 damage.

"Ow! I lost nearly half my health already?!" cried Jr. Troopa. "Now I mean business!"

Jr. Troopa swoops out at Mario and Parakarry. Does 5 damage and knocks out Parakarry for 3 turns.

"Damn…" said Mario as he switched out Parakarry with Goombario.

Mario uses Power Jump. Does 5 damage.

Goombario uses Charge. Charges attack power by 2.

Jr. Troopa swoops at Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario uses Power Jump. Does 5 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 6 damage.

Jr. Troopa swoops at Mario. Does 5 damage.

"Ooh…" moaned Mario as he switched Goombario with Bow.

Mario uses Power Bounce. Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Outta Sight. Mario is invisible for the enemy's attack.

Jr. Troopa idiotically swoops down at nothing. Has no effect.

Outta Sight wears off.

Mario uses Power Jump. Does 5 damage.

"YYYYYOOOOOOOWWWW!" yelled the obnoxious young Koopa as he fell to the ground.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"I HATE YOU ALL!" cried Jr. Troopa as he unwittingly ran to the forest entrance. Mario and co. followed behind and came to the entrance of Forever Forest with Jr. Troopa, and as he started making hot love to the ground, the six heroes tiptoed past him, looking at the Koopa strangely. Off they went to Toad Town and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, alright?

---

**A/N: **And so, with all that said and done, Mario and his four friends encountered Lady Bow, destroyed the "invincible" Tubba Blubba and exposed his secret, accepted Bow's really loud plead to join them, and defeated the increasingly more crazy Jr. Troopa a third and slightly tougher time. Now they're off to who-knows-where!

You know the drill, folks!


	6. Chap 4: Afflictions in a Chest Full of

**A/N: **Wow, guys, I REALLY appreciate all the reviews I've gotten so far. :D I'm definitely not abandoning this fic anytime soon. Now, the quest moves on to the Shy Guy's Toy Box and the fourth Star Spirit. Fish paste.

---

**Chapter Four: Afflictions in a Chest Full of Objects Played With by Small Children**

Mario and co. had now returned to Toad Town, and saw that, to their surprise, it was in an absolute uproar. Shy Guys were running around, hopping on people and stealing their crap.

"Sheesh," muttered Bow, "we just got back from fighting a nearly invincible monster, and now this?"

Then, at that moment, a green Shy Guy and a yellow Shy Guy ran past our heroes, both of them carrying some crap valued by certain people in Toad Town. This crap was, in fact, a calculator used by Rowf, some weird foreign badge shop owner, and the Frying Pan used by Tayce T., local old grandma and cook of Toad Town.

"YOU FIENDS!" the gang heard Tayce T. cry. "GET BACK HERE WITH MY FRYING PAN! DON'T MAKE ME USE MEGA GRANDMA KARATE ACTION ON YOU!"

"AND THEY STOLE MY CALCULATOR, EH!" yelled Rowf, running over from northern Toad Town.

Goombario turned to Mario and the other partners. "Come on, guys! They really value their stuff! We can't just ignore all of this…"

"Watch me," said Mario, walking over to a Toad House until Bow rushed over and slapped him silly.

"Careless Italian fool!" she bellowed. The spunky Boo finally convinced Mario to return the valued crap to their rightful owners, and the gang was about to find out where the Shy Guys went to when Tayce T. suddenly ran over to them and used Mega Grandma Karate Action on Mario. The bloody, bruised plumber got back up and screamed at Tayce T., "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU PRUNE-DRINKING OLD BAG?!"

"Oh, so sorry, dearie," said Tayce T., chuckling. "I mistook you for one of those red Shy Guy punks. Well…it was also partly intentional because you're an uncaring Italian bastard, but that isn't the point. You see, while you dearies were gone, Shy Guys have popped up in Toad Town, stealing valued crap from citizens, and nobody's been able to stop them. I'm sure you've noticed that my beautiful Frying Pan and Rowf's shitty little calculator have been stolen, but Russ T., local smartass of Toad Town, also had his Dictionary stolen. Furthermore—"

Tayce T. stopped talking when she noticed that Mario was not paying attention and simply picking his filthy nose. "HEY, PAL! YOU EVEN LISTENING HERE?!" she yelled, making Mario jump two feet in the air.

"Sorry," said Mario, "you were saying?"

"Just get out of my face…please," the old grandma muttered, walking off to her house.

"Mario, eh!" cried Rowf's voice as the weird dog-like creature ran up to Mario with his son tagging along. "Oh, it's aboot time you returned, eh? Shy Guys have been running aboot with our valued crap, and you must help us get it all back. You understand, eh?!"

"…Yeah. We understand, Mr. Rowf, sir," said Bombette.

"Then what in the world are you waiting aboot for?!" said Rowf. "Go get my crap back!"

"Alright, alright…" Mario said under his breath. The six adventurers noticed a group of Shy Guys flocking over to the area west of Tayce T.'s house and followed them to the large empty yellow house next to the round locked house and the Item Shop. The Shy Guys saw Mario after this and ran back the other way.

"Okay," said Parakarry, beginning to get irritated, "how the heck do we know exactly where to go in order to find wherever these Shy Guys stay at?"

But Bow wasn't listening, and being one of the more rational people in the group, she drifted over to the empty house, then suddenly grabbed Mario and took him inside of it. She simply said, "Let's get this over with, alright?" and made every one of the heroes invisible. A Shy Guy entered the house, humming "_Stairway to Heaven_" by Led Zeppelin under his breath, and opened a door in the empty room that was painted to look like part of the wall.

Goombario gave a lower whistle then usual, saying, "Clever." Bow nearly tried to slap him to shut him up, but it was too late; the Shy Guy heard something and turned around. Seeing that nobody was inside except for him, he just shrugged dumbly and jumped into a tiny toy box in the hidden room. Mario and co. followed along after the Shy Guy was gone, and jumped inside. Much to their surprise, they all shrank exponentially and landed in a colorful train station inside the toy box.

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box**

The station's Toad conductor looked a bit distressed about something, and Bombette went over to him and asked him what the problem was. "What do you think the problem is?" the conductor said irritably.

"Uh…You got a girl pregnant, and now you're angry that there's nothing you can possibly do about it?" Kooper guessed.

"No, moron!" shouted the conductor. "As you can see, WE'RE MISSING THE FREAKING TOY TRAIN! People can't go anywhere here without the train!"

"Oh," was all Kooper said.

"Could you find the toy train?" asked the conductor.

Mario shrugged. "Eh, whatever," he said.

However, Kooper and Goombario were too busy taking a look at a passageway next to the tracks, and they went inside. Bow heard their screaming a few minutes later, and dragged Mario, Parakarry, and Bombette along with her. It turns out that in the next room, the Goomba and the Koopa were being tickled by a blue Shy Guy, a green Shy Guy, a yellow Shy Guy, and a Red Shy Guy—the same ones that stole things from Tayce T., Russ T., Rowf, Parakarry's boss at the Toad Town post office, and Harry the Item Shop owner.

"You!" cried Parakarry. "All of you stop tickling those two idiots and return that crap to its rightful owners!"

The Shy Guys all turned and looked at Parakarry blankly. "What're you gonna do about it?" grunted the red Shy Guy.

"Oh, I WILL do…uh…something about it!" yelled Parakarry uncertainly.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 25 FP: 25

Parakarry

Bow

Bombette

VS.

Red Shy Guy HP: 7

Green Shy Guy HP: 7

Yellow Shy Guy HP: 7

Blue Shy Guy HP: 7

Mario uses Power Jump on Yellow Shy Guy. Does 6 damage.

Bow uses Slap on Yellow Shy Guy. Does 3 damage.

"Uuuugh…" grunted Red Shy Guy as Yellow fainted.

Red Shy Guy uses Hey Look At Me I'm Some Cheesy Acrobat And I'm Hurting My Opponent With An Acrobatic Jump on Mario. Does 3 damage.

Blue Shy Guy uses Charge. Does 2 damage.

Green Shy Guy uses Hey Look At Me I'm Some Cheesy Acrobat And I'm Hurting My Opponent With An Acrobatic Jump. Does 3 damage.

Mario uses Jump on Blue Shy Guy. Does 4 damage.

Bombette uses Bomb on Blue Shy Guy. Does 4 damage.

"Uuuugh!" grunted Blue Shy Guy as he fell unconscious to the ground.

Red Shy Guy uses Hey Look At Me I'm Some Cheesy Acrobat And I'm Hurting My Opponent With An Acrobatic Jump on Mario. Does 3 damage.

Green Shy Guy uses Charge. Does 2 damage.

Mario hammers Green Shy Guy. Does 4 damage.

Parakarry uses Sky Dive on Green Shy Guy. Does 2 damage.

Red Shy Guy uses Hey Look At Me I'm Some Cheesy Acrobat And I'm Hurting My Opponent With An Acrobatic Jump on Mario. Does 3 damage.

Green Shy Guy uses Charge on both Parakarry and Mario. Does 2 damage and knocks out Parakarry for 2 turns.

Mario uses Quake Hammer on all enemies. Does 2 damage to each.

"Ugh!" grunted Green as he fainted.

Parakarry uses Okay Look I'll Just Use Shell Shot And Get This Battle Over With Already on Red Shy Guy. Does 5 damage.

"Ow…" grunted Red Shy Guy as he was the last to fall.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"…Shoot…" mumbled Red. Mario and co. reunited with Goombario and Kooper, then picked up all the valued crap and jumped out of the toy box and back into Toad Town.

They gave the Frying Pan and a brand-new Cookbook by Goomgeorge Forman to Tayce T., and she thanked them by baking them a cake and kissing Mario on the cheek, causing him to hurl in an outhouse nearby. The group then went over to Rowf's Badge Shop and gave back the calculator to the foreign dog-like man.

"Thanks a bunch, eh!" cried Rowf with joy. "Now don't just stand aboot, take this badge and give everyone else back their crap, eh!" He gave them the I Spy badge as they left. Kooper and Bombette went over to Russ T.'s house to give back the dictionary, Kooper hitting on Bombette the whole way over until she again threatened to remove his manhood for good. Parakarry and Bow, in the meantime, returned the bag of lost mail in the toy box to Parakarry's boss, and his boss jokingly thought that all the mail was lost by Parakarry. The post office boss then thanked Bow graciously, but simply told Parakarry to get the hell out.

Finally, Goombario and Mario went to the Item Shop and gave the Storeroom Key back to Harry, the shop owner.

"Thank you guys so much!" said Harry. "I was waiting for someone to get the key back for ages. Take whatever you want from the storeroom!"

"Hey Harry, where's Ron and Hermione?" Mario retorted jokingly to Harry as he went in the Storeroom and walked out with the toy box's toy train, a Michael Koopson tickle doll repellant, an Ultra Shroom, a Playplumber magazine, and the key to Harry's house.

"Oh, I wish people would stop making fun of my name like that…" Harry muttered irritably as the duo left the shop and headed back for the Shy Guy's Toy Box.

Before they left, though, Mario stuck his head back into the shop and said, "Hey Harry, you gonna avenge Dumbledore's death?" before Harry nearly blew his head off with a bazooka as he closed the door hastily.

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box**

After returning to Blue Station inside the Toy Box, Mario went back up to the pissy conductor and showed him the toy train in his hands.

"NO, NO, NO, IDIOT!!" screamed the conductor straight in Mario's face. "YOU HAVE TO THROW THE TRAIN IN FROM OUTSIDE THE TOY BOX!"

"Alright already, sheesh…" Mario muttered angrily as he went back outside the toy box and threw the toy train in. The gang then jumped into the toy box again and noticed that the train had indeed grown larger for them to ride on it, but it had accidentally landed on the conductor. They all shrugged, ignoring the corpse of the bitchy conductor as they heaved the train onto the tracks and drove to Pink Station.

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box – Pink Station**

"Pink Station! Pink Station! We are now arriving at Pink Station!" called out the conductor's voice from behind Mario.

Mario turned around and saw the conductor, alive and well, getting off the train along with the partners. "What the…?" he said, dumfounded. "I thought the train squashed you flat!"

The conductor only shrugged. "I'm telling you, man, it's the power of video games," he said. Mario groaned and went to the western part of Pink Station with the partners.

At the point where there was a lever used to unblock the way to Green Station on the other side of the room, however, a humongous Shy Guy with a fork, knife, and a bib was sitting in front of the bridge that crossed to the other side. Goombario ran up to the Shy Guy and said, "Excuse me, sir, but…could you please move out of the way?"

"Oh. Hey there," grunted the fat Shy Guy. "Gourmet Guy's the name, eating cakes and having giant orgasms is my game. Man, I'm really hungry. Can you help me?"

"What d'you crave right now?" asked Bow.

"Cake with strawberry and vanilla frosting, of course!" gurgled Gourmet Guy with glee. "It's only the best type of cake ever, period!"

"Well, we just happen to have one here!" said Kooper, taking out the cake that Tayce T. baked in thanks for returning the Frying Pan.

Gourmet Guy started drooling, and the whole floor was flooded with saliva in a matter of seconds. "GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!" he screamed, grabbing the cake and viciously shoving it down his throat.

"I hope that bastard chokes," mumbled Kooper, who was scared half to death by Gourmet Guy's sudden action, to Parakarry.

He didn't choke, however; the large Shy Guy had finished licking his lips, and a goofy grin spread across his face as his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled, stomping and pounding the floor vigorously. "YEAH BABY, THAT HITS THE SPOT! HARDER! HARDER!" he continued yelling. Mario and co. looked on in disbelief as Gourmet Guy kept panting, grunting, moaning, pounding, stomping, smacking, and yelling more than enough to shake the entire earth for the whole ten minutes it lasted. The giant Shy Guy then exploded into the air and flew around like a rocket for a while until he landed next to the crossover bridge, hitting the ground headfirst and falling unconscious.

Our six heroes tiptoed away from the deeply disturbing giant Shy Guy and over to the lever. Mario pulled it, triggering a track change in the main room of Pink Station. The adventurers walked victoriously back to the train, ignored the annoying conductor's nagging, and headed to Green Station.

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box – Green Station**

After getting to Green Station, Mario and co. saw a set of four huge colored blocks near the drop-off, and wondered what they were used for. They then walked to the eastern part of Green Station and found a crumbled note at the end of the large room.

"Hmm…What's it say, Goombario?" said Parakarry, handing the note to Goombario, since he was apparently the smartest of the group.

Goombario read the note aloud. "'Boomshackalacka shoom boom boom bam pow boom-boom boomshackalacka and all that jazz'," he read. He then sadly shook his head. "I have no idea what this note says," he mumbled to Mario.

"Wait a minute…" said Bombette, rolling her eyes in thought. "…Wait! I got it! You know how Russ T. is Toad Town's local smartass? Maybe he can translate this crap!"

"Oh yeah," said Mario curtly. The heroes left the toy box for the umpteenth time to backtrack.

---

**Toad Town**

Mario and the five partners hurriedly went to the small, book-loaded house of Russ T., local Toad Town smartass, and had him read the note while he made smartass comments along the way.

"Okay, apparently, this note is written in the language of the Shy Guys. Ha! They should have done much better than that! This is no language, it's more like clubhouse slang!" said the old Toad. "Anyway, here's what it says: 'Things to get: Apples, 1 gallon of milk, Mystery Egg (dozen), Mushrooms—' Oh, silly me. I'm reading the wrong side. Ahem…" He turned the note over. "Let's see: 'Hit yellow, then green, then red, and then blue.' That's what it says!"

Goombario looked overjoyed. "Thank you, sir!" he said as everyone left Russ' house.

"No problem, you nerdy little chocolate chip!" retorted Russ T.

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box – Green Station**

Our heroes were now definitely looking up to finding the root of the Shy Guy problem as they returned to Green Station. Now that the note was translated, there was no way they couldn't get to Red Station and the leader of the Shy Guys in the toy box!

"Okay, so what on earth was the note talking about?" said Kooper absentmindedly as he stared at the four colored boxes.

…WHAT THE HELL?! YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS!! FIRST YOU HAMMER THE YELLOW BOX, THEN THE GREEN BOX, THEN THE RED BOX, THEN THE BLUE BOX!! USE SOME COMMON SENSE!

"Oh. Right," Kooper said. He moved away as Mario hit the colored boxes in order, and the jaws of all the partners dropped as the boxes triggered a track change. They all then shrugged and drove on to Red Station.

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box – Red Station**

"Red Station! We're now at Reeeeeeeeeeed Sta—" the conductor called out until Bow pushed him off the train in annoyance as Mario and the other four partners exited Red Station's drop-off and went to the western leg of the final station, thinking the solution to the Shy Guy problem in Toad Town would be there. To the surprise of none of them, there was a large room full of enemies they had to defeat, so they did, and upgraded Bombette along the way, which now meant that her, Goombario, Bow, and Kooper were all upgraded. Our favorite six heroes tensely entered the pitch-black chamber at the other side of the room, and heard a high, sinister "_Wee hee hee hee hee wee hee heeee!_" fill the dark chamber.

"Okay, Michael Koopson, you can come out now," grumbled Parakarry.

The figure in the dark was not Michael Koopson, though…In fact, the figure was none other than a large ghost with a dark-green sheet, black eyeholes, a jack-o-lantern-ish smiling mouth, blue shoes, a bandage on its forehead, and a bright lantern.

The ghost said in an annoying high-pitched voice, "_Mwee hee hee wee hee! I am not Michael Koopson, fools! I am none other than the Big Lantern Ghost! Mwee hee whee heeeeeee! I will dispose of you nicely…_"

"Whatever, Michael, we'll just kick your ass anyhow," said Kooper. "Your days of sneaking up on little boys are over!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 25

Bombette

Kooper

Goombario

Parakarry

Bow

VS.

Big Lantern Ghost/Michael Koopson??? HP: 40

"_Mwee hee hee—_" began Big Lantern Ghost.

"Oh, shut UP!" yelled Mario.

Mario hammers Big Lantern Ghost. Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 4 damage.

"_Mmmmm…hee hee hee…_" said Big Lantern Ghost. "_Now I will truly destroy you…_" He blew his lantern out, shrouding the area in darkness.

"Shoot!" said Bow. "Okay, listen, Mario: I'll illuminate the lantern, you take the Koopson wannabe!"

"Right," whispered Mario.

Bow uses Slap on Lantern. Does 0 damage. Brightens up the room.

Mario uses Power Bounce on Big Lantern Ghost. Does 7 damage.

Big Lantern Ghost pounds Mario. Does 2 damage.

"Ooooh, I'm so scared," said Mario in mock fear.

Mario uses Power Jump on Big Lantern Ghost. Does 6 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 4 damage.

"_Wee hee hee…Now you asked for it!_" screeched Big Lantern Ghost.

Big Lantern Ghost shines the lantern brightly. Does 5 damage to Mario and knocks Bow out for 3 turns. Big Lantern Ghost blows out the lantern.

"Well damn, there goes the plan…" muttered Mario, switching out Bow with Goombario.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Lantern. Does 0 damage. Slightly brightens up the room.

Mario uses Power Bounce on Big Lantern Ghost. Does 5 damage.

Big Lantern Ghost pounds Mario. Does 2 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Lantern. Does 0 damage. Brightens up the room more.

Mario uses Power Jump on Big Lantern Ghost. Does 6 damage.

"_Mwee hee hee hee hee hee…Shoot, that's too bad. Looks like I'm losing. Well…here goes!_" Big Lantern Ghost said.

Big Lantern Ghost uses Mega Ultra Hyper Bright Lantern Attack. Does 8 damage to Mario and wipes out the whole party for 3 turns. Big Lantern Ghost blows out the lantern.

"SHOOT! I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS, BASTARD!" yelled Mario. "**_THIS ONE IS FOR POOR LITTLE JOEY!!!_**"

Mario uses Power Bounce on Lantern. Brightens up the room completely.

Big Lantern Ghost swings the lantern at Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario uses Hammer Throw on Big Lantern Ghost. Does 4 damage.

"_Mwee hee…OWEE!_" screeched Big Lantern Ghost, falling to the ground. "_No…I've been defeated?!...There are so many more things I've wanted to do in life…So many more little kids to…to…Ooooooooooooooh………_"

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

**---**

Big Lantern Ghost was now defeated, lying unconscious in the middle of the dark room.

"I feel so gypped…" whined Mario. "And I actually thought the leader of these stupid Shy Guys would be here…Wait, what the?..."

Mario had noticed that something in the sinister ghost's lantern seemed to be pounding on the glass, zooming around the inside and making funny faces. He hammered the lantern, and it finally shattered. Everyone was surprised to see that the thing in the lantern was in fact a small, floating, infant Li'l Sparky sucking a blue pacifier. The little lightning ball started zooming around the room without warning, cheering and shouting, and stopped back in front of Mario.

"Wow mister I mean thank you so so so so so so so so so so much!!!" she yelled rapidly. "My name is Watt the Li'l Sparky and thank you so so so so so so so so so so much for helping me get away from that creepy ghost I mean seriously he creeps me out!!"

Bow stared dumbly at Watt. "What the?..." she mumbled.

"Oh hello there you must be Bow princess of the Boos I'm very pleased to meet you!" said Watt rapidly as she tried to shake Bow's fin before realizing she had no hands and electrocuted Bow. The charred Bow gritted her teeth angrily and glared at the young hyperactive lightning orb.

Watt proceeded to tell Mario and co. at very high speed about how she had been snatched away by Big Lantern Ghost somewhere near Toad Town a few months ago and had been forced to light rooms for him ever since. That is, until Mario, Bombette, Kooper, Parakarry, Goombario, and Bow saved her, of course. Mario also told Watt about how he was on another annoying quest to save Princess Peach, and Watt agreed to join him because "I like traveling to many places in the kingdom and seeing all kinds of weird bad guys and cool people like I mean really have you ever seen a Gulpit?! Those things are super duper crazy and messed up!!!!"

And so, the six heroes, now seven, progressed to the eastern wing of Red Station, ready to fight whatever even more messed-up villain was waiting for them.

**WATT HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN USE HER TO LIGHT UP DARK ROOMS AND FIND HIDDEN BLOCKS BECAUSE MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO BUY A FLASHLIGHT!**

---

**Shy Guy's Toy Box – Red Station, Eastern Wing**

Mario and co. reached the end of the first room in Red Station's east wing, and noticed a small group of Shy Guys blocking the next door.

The group leader, a pink Shy Guy, said, "Alright, guys, Mario's gonna be here any second to fight us and the general, so…" He trailed off as he saw the seven adventurers. The leader shrieked loudly and ran right into the boarded-up passageway, knocking himself out cold. The rest of the Shy Guys looked strangely at him, then rammed through the boards blocking the passageway, running into the next room and stepping over the leader repeatedly. The pink leader finally got back up, fainted again when he saw Mario, got back up, and tried running into the next room with his eyes closed…and ran straight into a wall, fainting yet again…

"Screw this shit," said Bombette, bombing the pink Shy Guy and leading the way into the next room as Kooper gazed at her admirably.

Unfortunately, the next room was pitch-black, and Mario had to hold Watt to brighten it up. The heroes came up to a crack in the wall, and Bombette knew what to do. Before she could do her thing, though, three dark items dropped from the ceiling.

"EEEEEEK!" screamed everybody except Bombette, who just raised an eyebrow at the convenient items.

"DIIIIIIIIE!" shrieked Watt, leading the attack.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 25

Goombario

Bow

Bombette

Watt

Parakarry

Kooper

VS.

Mushroom

Thunder Rage

Super Soda

Mario eats the Mushroom, drinks the Super Soda, and picks up the Thunder Rage.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

The partners had now all noticed that the shrouded things that dropped from the ceiling were not enemies, but the "weaknesses" that Peach chose in the previous chapter.

"HA! Too easy, right guys?" said Mario victoriously. Bow slapped her forehead.

Bombette bombed the crack in the wall and went through the hole, Watt, Parakarry, Kooper, Goombario, Mario, and Bow following close behind.

Everyone gasped at the humongous room they had entered, and assumed that it was time for the boss. Surely enough, a big pink toy tank wheeled up to them and a Shy Guy in a white general outfit popped out of the top hatch.

"So, it was YOU, Mario!" barked the Shy Guy, pointing angrily at him. "Listen up, all seven of you intrudin' little maggots! The name is General Guy, and I'm chief commander and leader of Shy Guy's Toy Box! I can tell you've come here to rescue the Star Spirit we're guarding—"

"Figures," said Bombette.

"—And we ARE NOT giving it to you! Understand?" General Guy yelled.

"Yes, loud and clear, sergeant," said Bow sarcastically.

"Sheesh man!!! We are like TOTALLY going to kick your evil ass!!! Let's fight!!!" yelled Watt in her usual hyperactive tone.

"With pleasure," said General Guy.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 25

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

VS.

Stilt Guy HP: 7

Stilt Guy HP: 7

Shy Stack HP: 10

Shy Stack HP: 10

General Guy HP: 30

"Alright, give us your best shot, you slime!" shouted Parakarry.

Mario jumps on Stilt Guy #1. Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Slap on Stilt Guy #1. Does 3 damage. Stilt Guy #1 faints.

Stilt Guy #2 attacks Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario uses Hammer Charge. Charges Hammer power by 2.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 3 damage.

Stilt Guy #2 attacks Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario hammers Stilt Guy #2. Does 6 damage. Stilt Guy #2 faints.

"Hmmm…You are certainly tougher than expected," said General Guy thoughtfully. "Now to dispose of you for good!"

General Guy sends out Shy Stack #1 and Shy Stack #2.

Mario uses Power Jump on Shy Stack #2. Does 6 damage.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on Shy Stack #1. Does 5 damage.

Shy Stack #1 attacks Mario 3 times. Does 3 damage.

Shy Stack #2 attacks Mario 5 times. Does 5 damage.

Mario jumps on Shy Stack #2. Does 4 damage. Shy Stack #2 faints.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on Shy Stack #1. Does 5 damage. Shy Stack #1 faints.

"Grr…Okay, now I'm serious!!" said General Guy. He wheeled the pink toy tank out to finish off Mario for good.

Mario hammers the tank. Does 2 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 3 damage.

The tank shoots a bolt of lightning at Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario hammers the tank. Does 2 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 3 damage.

The tank bulb brightly illuminates the room. Does 4 damage to Mario and knocks out Watt for 3 turns.

Mario uses a Super Shroom, the first item he's used during a battle sequence in a pretty long time. Replenishes 10 HP.

Bombette uses Body Slam on the tank. Does 1 damage.

The tank shoots a lightning bolt at Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario hammers the tank. Does 2 damage.

Bombette uses Body Slam. Does 1 damage.

The tank shoots a lightning bolt at Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario hammers the tank. Does 2 damage.

General Guy was now down to 14 HP, and he popped angrily out of the tank as the bulb burned out. "CURSES!" he shouted in frustration. "I don't believe it!! Oh, I am _so _going to kill you now!"

Bombette shuts General Guy up by Bombing him. Does 5 damage.

General Guy throws a Shy Guy at Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario uses Power Bounce on General Guy. Does 5 damage.

Bombette uses Power Bomb and the author breaks his thumbs pressing A too much. Does 6 damage.

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed the short and annoyingly loud Shy Guy general as he dropped to the ground.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Ugh…noo…I'm sorry, Lord Bowser!" General Guy moaned.

"Yeah yeah yeah oh boy we did it WHOO-HOOOOO!" Watt shouted joyously. A playing card containing Muskular the Star Spirit flew down, and Mario picked it up. Super flashy sequence yaaaaaay! **_END OF CHAPTER!!!_**

---

**Peach's Castle**

"Well, Your Grumpiness…" said Kammy, "Mario has once again beaten one of your underlings. This time it was General Guy, and now Muskular has been freed."

"Son of a…" Bowser grumbled. "Okay, Kammy, we desperately need to make sure the next Star Spirit on Lavalava Island WILL NOT be freed by Mario. You get my drift?"

"Of course, Your Driftiness," said Kammy reassuringly. "I've got it all under control…"

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle…

"Hey Peach, do you want to sneak out again and find out where the next Star Spirit is located? I hear Mario has freed the fourth one," said Twink, in Peach's room as the princess patiently paced back and forth.

"No, Twink, I've come to realize that sneaking around can get very risky. Imagine what'd happen if we stumbled across Bowser's 'stash'!" said Peach. Twink shivered.

Just then, a belch came from somewhere in the second floor of the castle. Peach wondered what on earth it could have been, then sighed and said, "I suppose we could sneak out again and see what's up."

"Great," said Twink. "The guards are at Happy Hour in Bowser's bar right now, so we can just go out this door."

And…well, they did, of course.

They found out that the belch came from the dining hall diagonally across from the door to Peach's room, so they went that way, and were quite surprised when they opened the door to see a fat red Shy Guy in a bib clutching a fork and knife, sitting at the table and stuffing himself with five roasted turkeys.

"AAAH!" the Shy Guy yelled when he noticed Twink and Peach. He spit the turkeys out of his piehole, wiped his chin, and burped again.

"Uh…excuse me? Who're you?" said Peach as politely as she could.

"Hi," the large Shy Guy said timidly, "my name is Gourmet Guy. Pleased to meet you."

"What're you doing here??" said Peach.

Gourmet Guy cleared his throat really loudly. "You see," he began, "I was quietly walking around Toad Town, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a UFO zapped me with its sinister green tractor beam and dropped me in the dining room of this castle! Crazy, huh?"

Peach and Twink looked at Gourmet Guy a really long time before Twink finally said something. "That didn't really happen, did it?" said Twink with suspicion in his voice.

"No," said Gourmet Guy. "It was the best excuse I could think of to explain how I got from Shy Guy's Toy Box to all the way up here."

"Oh," said Peach.

"Wait…you came from Shy Guy's Toy Box?" said Twink. "Mario freed Muskular the honorable Star Spirit there recently, didn't he?"

"He sure did, you scrumptious little morsel," said Gourmet Guy. "You two shouldn't be in here, though. I should tell Bowser on you because I have the moral mentality of a five-year-old."

"NO!" yelled Peach, but then she suddenly hushed her voice. "_Please don't._"

"Okay, okay, okay," said Gourmet Guy. "I won't tell on you if you bake me the best cake I've ever tasted."

Peach looked blankly at Gourmet Guy for his odd request, but then agreed to do so. She went to the kitchen with Twink and began reading instructions on making The Best Cake That Gourmet Guy Will Ever Taste from Goomgeorge Foreman's newest best-selling cookbook. Twink, however, planned on making a horrible cake for some laughs.

"No, Twink! That's mean!" Peach said in a scolding tone.

"Oh, you're so childish. Try and live it up a little," said Twink. Peach reluctantly agreed a few minutes later, and they started work on The Worst Cake That Gourmet Guy Will Ever Taste, also from Goomgeorge Foreman's newest best-selling cookbook.

The two of them began randomly throwing in watermelons, eggs, salt, hot water, petroleum jelly, rotten strawberries, expired mayonnaise, Pop-Rocks, cola, frosting, sauerkraut, and spit into it for good measure. Then came the mixing, and the final touch: baking it for 45 minutes because the author forgot when to press A.

Twink and Peach then took the cake out, and it looked like a frosty, smoldering mess.

"It's the worst thing I have ever seen," said Twink elegantly, wiping a happy tear from his eye.

As they went back to the dining hall, Peach carried the cake extremely carefully, and when they came back to Gourmet Guy, he examined the cake closely.

And he gobbled it down without any question.

"Hee hee, goes to show you how stupid people can get," Twink whispered to Peach.

Something unexpected then happened. Gourmet Guy got a goofy grin (hey, I just made up a tongue twister!) and his eyes grew to the size of two dinner plates each. You already know what happens next, so I'm not even going to describe any of that creepy shit. Anyway, at the end of Gourmet Guy's cake-triggered orgasm, he yelled, "OHHHH YEEEEAH! THIS IS THE BESSST CAAAKE THAT I EEEEVER TAAA—"

Gourmet Guy then exploded, his blood, intestines, bodily fluids, and organs splattering everywhere, all over Peach and Twink as well.

The two looked very dumbfounded at the mess, and then Peach began to stroke her chin in thought. "Hmm…" she mumbled.

Both her and Twink then exited the room and came back in. Surely enough, there was Gourmet Guy, alive and good as new.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the power of video games!" sighed the giant Shy Guy in triumph.

"…" was all Twink had to say.

"And now I'm going to tell you a really helpful piece of information for no reason!" said Gourmet Guy. "The fifth Star Spirit, Misstar, is being held in Mt. Lavalava on Lavalava Island."

"Thanks, pal, I appreciate it!" said Twink. He zoomed up to Gourmet Guy as Peach went back to her room with a smile on her face.

Gourmet Guy slapped Twink a high-five high in the air. "Up high!" Twink said, then they slapped a high-five lower. "Down low!" he said this time. Finally, they were about to slap a normal high-five when Gourmet Guy's big hand smacked Twink right out the window.

"Too slow, Joe!" Gourmet Guy called out.

---

**Toad Town**

"Hey, Mario…I really gotta thank you, man," said Muskular. "You've got some major spunk, and even a godly buff guy like me envies your strength and skill!"

"That's just wonderful, Muskular," said Mario. "Can you just teach me a new Star Power and leave already? The readers are getting impatient."

"Right…" said the light-blue Star Spirit. Mario learned Chill Out, and Muskular was about to leave when Twink fell out of the sky and hit him in the back. Muskular, Bow, and Watt, who all hadn't seen Twink before, freaked out and began beating the living crap out of the Star Kid.

Twink got up, even more beaten and withered than usual. "Ooooh…" he groaned. "Mario…HOLY FUDGESICLES! HONORABLE STAR SPIRIT MUSKULAR!?"

"Haha, yep," said Muskular, "that sure is me, kid. What's your name?"

"The name's Twink, sir!!" cried Twink with joy. "I wanna grow up to be just like any of the Star Spirits, but ESPECIALLY like you! You know, being the strongest, wearing that sailor hat, dying my skin light-blue, granting big wishes, getting oral from Misstar—"

"HA HA, UH…YEAH!" said Muskular, sweating nervously and seeming very embarrassed by that last comment of Twink's. "You run along now, you hear?" The young Star Spirit ascended to Star Haven, awaiting the rescue of Kalmar, Klevar, and especially his precious Misstar.

"Anyway, Mario…" said Twink, turning to our heroic Italian plumber. "Listen up: Misstar is being held on Lavalava Island. You know, that island to the east of Toad Town's coast?"

Mario and friends nodded.

"Great! See ya!" Twink left to return to Peach's Castle as Mario and friends rested at the Toad House, preparing for the next day…I still like to put dots at the end of sentences…

---

**A/N: **And so, in this exciting chapter, Mario, Bow, Kooper, Bombette, Parakarry, Goombario, and their hyperactive new infant pal Watt defeated the villainous Shy Guys of Shy Guy's Toy Box, their short leader General Guy, returned all the crap to Toad Town, and had a brush with Muskular and Twink, resulting in a rather embarrassed Muskular. Now that the fourth Star Spirit is free, only three remain, and the quest of Mario and co. is now halfway over! Until next time, this is I Am The Almighty Person saying: Eat your vegetables, folks!

And I suppose a comment about reading and reviewing goes here?

**Extra Note: **I don't intend to offend Canadians with the way Rowf talks, I just think stereotypical Canadian speech is a little humorous.


	7. Chap 5: 94 Degreesish Times on Lavalava

**A/N: **Certainly took me longer than usual to update, huh? Sorry, I've been getting lazy on this chapter, but I will still gladly finish this parody nonetheless! Mario and co. must now travel to the exotic Lavalava Island to save Misstar the Star Spirit, while having to brave through devious traps, Piranha Plants, and annoying Resident Evil quotes along the way. Fish paste.

---

**Chapter 5: 94 Degrees-ish Times on Lavalava Island**

**Toad Town Docks**

Our heroes Mario, Watt, Bow, Bombette, Kooper, Parakarry, and Goombario had explored Toad Town for a while to find a means of transportation to Lavalava Island, where the next Star Spirit was being held. They were unsuccessful, but then finally used some common sense and headed for the docks. Once there, they encountered the eccentric Koopa explorer, Kolorado, once again. The mustachioed explorer seemed to be pondering, or in other words, staring stupidly, at a large blue lump in the water next to the docks.

"Aaah, it's really true! The polar ice caps **ARE** moving closer to land! IT'S THE END OF HUMANKIND AS WE KNOW IT!" Kooper shrieked, pointing in rigid fear at the blue lump.

Bombette, ignoring her panicking lovestruck "boyfriend", walked up to Kolorado and asked, "What is that blue thing, Mr. Kolorado?"

The Koopa explorer turned to Bombette and mournfully said, "It appears to be a huge tuna of some sort. Alas, he turned up here a few hours ago, and I started to discuss with him which Green Day album was the best, and he quickly said he needed to use the bathroom. He went underwater except for the top of his head, and has been like that ever since."

"Hmm…" said Mario. He did a Spin Jump on the "tuna's" head, and it resurfaced. In fact, it turned out to be a whale, not a tuna.

"Owww," mumbled the whale. "Please don't tell me I have to talk about that stupid punk band anymore…"

"Actually, Mr. Tuna, these wonderful young folks are apparently wondering if you could help them with something," said Kolorado.

The whale stared blankly at Kolorado. "I'm not a tuna, idiot. I'm a whale," he said.

"Ha ha ha! Oh, brilliant joke, you silly old tuna!" said Kolorado with a hearty laugh. "You can't fool me like that! I could have sworn I saw body parts of fish like you in my Chicken of the Sea before—"

The whale interrupted Kolorado by angrily saying, "I'm telling you, I'm NOT A TUNA! Tell me, old man, has anybody EVER seen a tuna as big as me? It's impossible! I'm clearly a whale! Do you need EYEGLASSES or something, Grampa?!"

Kolorado just laughed again. "You silly tunas, all the same…" he muttered.

The whale furiously turned its head to Mario and the gang. "Hey, you. Yeah, you! Fat Italian plumber! Can you help me with something?" he said.

"Fine, fine, fine," said Mario in impatience. "My Good Samaritan sense was beginning to tingle anyway."

"Alright, my problem is that there's some kind of crazy fuzzy parasite swarming around in my stomach and giving me a bellyache," said the whale.

Goombario looked suspicious. "You ate something at McCleft's, didn't you?" he said, shaking his head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Shame on you."

"No, I did not!" bellowed the whale. "Just help me with this stupid parasite, okay!?"

Watt seemed quite eager to help the whale. "Yeah of course we'll help you Mr. Super Cool Whale Sir I mean I've NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER _EVER_ in my whole entire life helped a cool whale like you sir we'll gladly help okay!!!???"

The whale stared at Watt for the longest time, then said, "Er…of course, no problem. Hop into my belly and get rid of the parasite, please."

"Alright no problem Mr. Whale sir we'll help you yep—" squealed Watt before Bow covered her mouth and dragged her into the whale's mouth. Parakarry flew into the stomach of the whale as well, but Mario and the other three partners stayed where they were.

"Pffft," said Bombette, "do you seriously think I'm going to fall for that, you ugly old whale?"

"**_GET IN MY BELLY!_**" shrieked the whale.

Mario, Goombario, Bombette, and Kooper simply stood there in surprise after the whale's furious outburst, then fell on the ground and laughed until they couldn't breathe.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!!" screamed the whale. "IT ISN'T LIKE THAT PHRASE WAS USED IN A FUNNY MOVIE OR ANYTHING! SHUT UP AND **_GET IN MY BELLY!!!!_**"

The four partners just kept laughing, and eventually got back up and staggered into the whale's stomach, gasping for air and giggling fiercely.

"…Okay…" muttered Kolorado.

---

**The Tuna—er—Whale's Stomach**

Mario used Watt to brighten up the dark, smelly stomach of the blue whale, and the gang noticed a hairy purple caterpillar-like creature crawling around the roof of the stomach.

"Mm? Who's there?" said the creature. "Oh, it's only the exterminators…WAIT A MINUTE! THE EXTERMINATORS?! AAAAH, DIEEEEEEE!!!!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 25

Bow

Watt

Bombette

Goombario

Kooper

Parakarry

VS.

Fuzzipede HP: 20

"How DARE you enter this whale's stomach to exterminate me without my permission?!" yelled Fuzzipede. "You're going down, all seven of you!"

"Listen up you big meanie we're here to help this super awesome mega cool blue whale dude because thanks to you he has a tummyache the poor old guy and we're not going to let him sit here and wallow in his misery so here comes a super duper whooping pal get ready to FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!" said Watt.

"…Uh, _what?_" said Fuzzipede.

"She's basically saying that we're gonna kick your ass," said Bow.

"Oh," said Fuzzipede.

Mario uses Jump. Does 4 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 3 damage.

"Hmm, time to use an awesome tactic…" muttered Fuzzipede.

Fuzzipede charges at Mario. Does 3 damage.

Fuzzipede then jumped onto the ceiling.

Mario, realizing that he didn't have Hammer Throw equipped, suddenly got a familiar look of fury in his eyes…

"Oh no…" whispered Bombette.

"Hold me, pumpkin!" squealed Kooper, holding onto Bombette, much to her dislike.

Mario threw a tantrum right then and there. But you knew that was coming, right?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed the plumber. "WHY DON'T I EVER HAVE THE PROPER BADGES EQUIPPED FOR THIS KIND OF STUFF!? WHY DOES THIS WORLD HAVE TO BE SOOO CRRRRRUUUUUUEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL??!"

Mario ends his tantrum. Does a whopping 1,200 damage to Fuzzipede.

"Ow! Cheater!" wailed Fuzzipede as he dropped to the bottom of the whale's stomach.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"OOOOOH, I HATE YOU ALL!" Fuzzipede whined, storming out of the whale's stomach.

Mario and co. exited the whale, and the whale graciously thanked them all. "Don't mention it," said Mario in an I-could-care-less tone of voice.

"Now, I have to make it up to you somehow…" said the whale in thought. "Okay, do you need to go anywhere in the ocean? Like, an island or something?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I'll accept your request, Mr. Tuna," said Kolorado, walking up to the whale. "I suggest we go to Lavalava Island. I've always desired to travel to the fascinating place, but never had the time nor money to do so. Can you believe how much coins it took to go there on the Titanic 2? My wife said I would go to no such place, and alas, I didn't."

"Your wife basically saved your life, I suppose," said the whale. "The Titanic 2 sunk when it was halfway to Lavalava."

Kolorado snorted. "Hah! Over 80 years and the Titanic is _still_ a piece of crap! Go figure," he said.

"Wait…Did you say Lavalava Island?" Bow asked Kolorado.

"Of course, lass," said Kolorado. "Whatever reason are you asking for that?"

"Well," said Bombette, "we were just happening to look for a way to get there. There's a Star Spirit there, see, and…"

"Oh, shut up!" yelled Kolorado suddenly. "Does it look like I care about your troubles? All I want to do is go there and take the treasure in Mt. Lavalava, which is conveniently set to erupt today!" He hopped onto the tuna—uh—whale's back, Mario and co. doing the same.

As the gang started to drift across the ocean, Kolorado joyfully asked, "So, kids, what did we learn from this tuna—"

"WHALE!" shrieked the whale irritably.

"—encounter?" Kolorado finished.

"Uh…Don't eat at McCleft's?" Goombario guessed.

"Precisely," said Kolorado, smiling.

**MEANWHILE, 1 MILE BACK AT TOAD TOWN…**

Jr. Troopa walked up to the Toad Town docks after hearing Mario was seen there, and shouted, "HEY MARIO! Guess who's back? Back again? Jr. Troopa's back! Tell a f—"

The little nuisance noticed in the distance that Mario was now riding off across the ocean on the back of a whale, and swore loudly, getting on his flippers and preparing for a very long swim.

---

**Lavalava Island**

"Here we are, folks. Scenic Lavalava Island!" shouted the whale as the gang began to depart on the island's grassy jungle-like shore. "See y'all later," he then said, "I'm going to take a nap. Have fun getting eaten by all sorts of creepy monsters!"

"Sure thing," said Kooper as the gang started walking deeper into the island. "Wait…huh?"

TWO MINUTES LATER…

Mario and co. walked much slower than Kolorado, so they were naturally far behind the eccentric explorer when they heard cries of "AAH! OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME! IT HURTS SO MUCH! AAAAGH!" coming from farther down the beach.

Mario groaned. "Come on," he muttered. "I have a feeling I already know who it is."

The seven heroes rushed down the beach until they came across Kolorado, lying sprawled on the sandy ground, being violently tickle-tortured by two yellow Fuzzies.

"_More _of these pests? And another species of it, at that?" said Goombario in disbelief. "You have to be kidding me."

"Well, we aren't, kid," said Mario. "Come on, we've got a lot more booty to kick."

"Booty?" said Goombario. "Gee, the author is certainly toning down on the swearing in this chapter…"

Mario sighed and rapidly said, "God damn ass what the hell bull shit son of a bitching bastard. There, you happy?"

Goombario said nothing.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 25

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

VS.

Jungle Fuzzies HP: 7 each

"MEEEEORK!" said one of the Jungle Fuzzies.

"Huh?" said Watt.

"I think that's Fuzzyish for 'Bring it on, you fat sweaty plumber!'" said Bombette.

Mario uses Power Jump on Jungle Fuzzy #1. Does 6 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash on Jungle Fuzzy #1. Does 3 damage. Jungle Fuzzy #1 faints.

"MEEEEEORK!" screeched Jungle Fuzzy #2.

"Wait a minute what did he say right now guys huh?!" said Watt.

Bombette said, "I think he said, 'Okay, now I'm going to bring it like your momma brings it in bed, sonny!'"

"NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY MOMMA LIKE THAT!" screamed Mario.

Mario uses Power Bounce. Does 7 damage. Jungle Fuzzy #2 faints.

"Ha!" said Mario. "I just brought it like your DADDY brought it in bed, sonny!"

Everyone stared at Mario.

"What?" he said irritably.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Oh, Mario, thank you so much, old boy," said Kolorado graciously. "Now pardon me, but it's time for me to be an inconsiderate moron and continue running after the stupid treasure of Mt. Lavalava that probably doesn't even exist. Ta-ta!"

And so he did. Mario and co. proceeded to the end of the beach, then entered a small primitive village of different colored Yoshis. Goombario gave a low whistle, and Watt said, "Aaaaaaah this is so amazing I've heard of Yoshis before but never ever ever ever EVER saw one man I wish I had a camera oh man oh man oh man oh man!"

"Shut up," Bow groaned, completely irritated by Watt now.

An overweight green Yoshi wearing a feather hat toddled over to Mario. "Mario! Pleased to meet you, buddy!" he boomed in a loud, cheerful voice. "You can call me YCTTE!"

"YCTTE?" said Mario.

"**Y**oshi **C**hief **T**o **T**he **E**x-treeeme, dude!" said the Yoshi Village chief, making a rather obscene gang symbol with his hand. "What's been going on in life, pal? You fix any good sinks lately?"

"Shut up," said Mario. "Anyway, do you know about a Star Spirit being located anywhere around here?"

"Yeah, man!" said the chief. "That fine-ass pink star chick was being dragged over to Mt. Lavalava by some Piranha Plant. Dunno why, though."

Just then, a fat green Yoshi with a feather hat that looked remarkably similar to the village chief pushed the chief out of the way and said, "Okay, Willy, how many times do I have to tell you that I'M the chief? Go away."

Willy the "chief" hung his head sadly, then angrily said to his twin brother, "Whatever, you meanie, but one day I'll become the rightful chief, and you'll regret ever weighing down on me! Yoshis for life!" Willy then made another obscene gang symbol and was beamed away by a green light.

Kooper looked dumbstruck. "What just happened?" he said. "Someone please tell me what just happened. Preferably Bombette."

"Hello there, Mario," said the chief. "As you just heard my annoying brother say, the fifth Star Spirit was indeed brought to Mt. Lavalava by a devious Piranha Plant."

"Wait, how do you know about this Star Spirit stuff?" asked Goombario.

"I know all. I see all. I am God," said the chief.

Everyone stared at the chief in total silence.

"Go, my children," said the chief in an almighty tone. "You must find the fifth Star Spirit and bring peace to my panicking creation that is Earth. Hurry, there is no time to lose!"

The gang still looked strangely at the chief, but went to the next part of the village nonetheless. The chief held Mario back and whispered to him, "By the way, Koop Cobain says you still owe him 200 coins from that bet you made in '85."

Mario angrily shouted at the chief, "You can tell Cobain to shove those 200 coins up his greedy ass!" He then walked to the next part of the village.

The seven adventurers walked up to a middle-aged Cheep-Cheep and tried asking her where Mt. Lavalava was.

"It's in that jungle right over there," said the Cheep-Cheep absentmindedly, waving a fin at another path leading north. "HEY, YOU LITTLE PUNKS!" she then shouted. "GET OUT OF MY SECRET STASH THIS INSTANT, OR I'LL USE ELITE GRANDMA KARATE ACTION ON YOU!!"

"But aunt Sushie, we're having so much fun!" squeaked a small blue Yoshi that was lying in a pile of "fish food" with four other Yoshis; a green one, a red one, a purple one, and a yellow one.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIVES!" shrieked Sushie the Cheep-Cheep. "GET OUT OF THERE!"

The Yoshi kids groaned, got out of the "fish food", and walked up to Mario and co.

"Whoa, it's Mario!" said the green Yoshi kid in awe. "Nice to meet you, mister!"

Mario chuckled. "Nice to meet you too," he said as kindly as possible, bending over to shake the kid's hand.

The Yoshi kid squealed and fainted, and the red Yoshi walked up to Mario next. The red Yoshi said, "What's up, Mario? We're known across the island as the Fearsome Five! We're fearsome, and we're five!"

Mario stared at the kid. "Um…okay then, kid. That's wonderful," he said.

"Don't tell the nanny this, but we're gonna play the greatest game of hide-and-seek ever in the jungle, and we're forbidden to go in there," whispered the purple Yoshi in Mario's ear.

"The nanny?" said Bombette. "You mean, like Mary Poppins?"

"No, stupid!" squawked the yellow Yoshi. Bombette scowled. "Our nanny is that old woman, Sushie!"

"Oh," said Kooper. "HEY SUSHIE, GUESS WHAT?!" he yelled to the sleeping Cheep-Cheep. "THE KIDS ARE G—"

The yellow Yoshi kid frantically covered Kooper's mouth before Sushie could wake up, and the gang continued to move through to the jungle.

However, as the seven heroes began getting considerably closer to Mt. Lavalava, Goombario noticed a hat on the ground. He walked up to it.

"What??!!!" shouted Parakarry. "What is THIS?!?"

"It looks like…Kolorado's hat!!" said Bow.

"Gee, I sure hope it isn't Kolorado's hat!" said Bombette nervously. "Let's get to the bottom of this!"

Mario looked dumbfounded at Parakarry, Bow, and Bombette. "Wow," he said in exasperation, "way to ruin a perfectly good chapter with a reference to Resident Evil 1's terrible voice acting…"

The heroes then heard a scream coming from the other side of the jungle.

"Koooollllooooorrrraaadoooooooo," wailed Watt in a very forced and flat tone.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Mario. The gang ran over to where Kolorado was once again being tickle tortured, this time by wild Spear Guys.

"Aaaaah!" yelled Kooper, pointing at a Spear Guy. "Loooooook at thooose Shy Guuuuuys!"

"Alright, that's it," snarled Mario. "One more Resident Evil quote out of ANY of you, and I will go TOTALLY INSANE!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 25

Bow

Bombette

Watt

Parakarry

Goombario

Kooper

VS.

Spear Guys HP: 7 each

Mario hammers Spear Guy #1. Does 4 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Spear Guy #1. Does 4 damage. Spear Guy #1 faints.

Spear Guy #2 throws his spear at Mario. Does 3 damage.

Watt uses Power Shock. Paralyzes Spear Guy #2 for 3 turns.

Mario hammers Spear Guy #2. Does 4 damage.

Mario hammers Spear Guy #2 again. Does 4 damage. Spear Guy #2 faints.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Mario threw the defeated Spear Guys off the screen and examined the unconscious Kolorado with Parakarry.

"It looks like he was tickled to death by Spear Guys or somethin'! OOH MY GAWD!!!" shouted Parakarry.

Mario felt the urge to strangle Parakarry, but stopped when Kolorado opened his eyes weakly.

"Good job, old boy…I do reckon you saved me there…" he mumbled.

"Only for the seventy-fifth time," growled Mario. "Let's go, guys." Mario started heading for the entrance to Mt. Lavalava, right in front of the gang in all its glory.

"WAIT! **DOOOON'T GO IN THEEEERE!!**" wailed Kolorado.

"Ugh, not you too…" moaned Mario as he walked straight into a lava pit and got one helluva foot burn. He yelped in pain and jumped back, realizing that the entrance to Mt. Lavalava was on higher ground on the other side of the lava pit. He cursed quietly and turned to Kolorado and his partners. "So?" he said impatiently. "Any BRIGHT ideas from ANY of you?"

"Yes…" said Bow, searching through one of her bows and pulling out a beanie hat. "HAH! I have THIS."

Mario forcefully ignored the minor Resident Evil quote and examined the beanie cap. "Bow, you IDIOT!" he shrieked. "This is a _beanie_! They don't really fly! YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!!!" Mario threw his trademark tantrum, occasionally running into the lava pit at times.

"Well, fellas, I suppose this adventure was a bust…" said Kolorado sadly. "I'll wait at Yoshi Village for the rest of you and we'll go home." He moped back to the village, and Mario and co. followed him.

However, when the eight treasure hunters reached the village, they noticed it was suddenly in uproar. Mario walked over to one of the Yoshi parents that was running in frantic circles and crying. "Hey, ma'am, what's going on here?" he asked.

"THE KIDS!" yelled the yellow Yoshi kid's mother. "THEY'RE GONE! Oh, they must have gone into the jungle! And Sushie is gone too! We should obviously go into the jungle to look for them, but we're just going to keep running in circles and crying and force you to go find them!"

"And if we don't want to find them?" asked Bombette suspiciously.

"Don't make us take out our AK-47s!" wailed one of the parents. Mario and co. immediately ran back into the jungle.

---

**Jade Jungle**

"Okay, what kind of stupid time-wasting fetch quest do we have to go on now?" asked Parakarry.

"Didn't you hear what the parents said, Parakarry?" said Kooper irritably.

"NO!" Parakarry shouted in despair.

Kooper shrugged. "Neither did I," he muttered.

Goombario rolled his eyes.

"Let's go find those crazy little Yoshi kids," said Bow. The party of seven proceeded through the jungle and eventually came across Sushie, the Cheep-Cheep nanny they saw before, snoozing in a tree. Mario hammered the tree to wake the old fish up.

"AAH!" screamed Sushie as she was awakened. "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Is that you, Auntie Em?!..." She looked down at Mario and co., immediately recognizing them.

"Oh, uh…hello there, you young folks!" she called down from the tree. "Shoot, those little rascals must have drugged me with my 'fish food' before they went into the jungle…Boy, will I get them for this…" Sushie muttered to herself.

"You need assistance finding your little scamps, ma'am?" called out Parakarry.

"Oh, yes, darling, that'd be excellent," moaned Sushie. "Get me down from here, please."

"Oh!" said Mario. "Right!" He hammered the tree again, and Sushie landed on Parakarry.

"Oooooh…" mumbled Sushie, trying to get back up after her landing. However, Parakarry seemed to enjoy the fact that she was on top of him.

"No…please…" Parakarry muttered, weakly smiling, "don't get back up…"

Sushie gave the middle-aged Paratroopa mailman a disgusted look and hopped back up, shaking hands—uh—fins with Mario. "Thank you so much, dearie!" she said joyfully. "Let's go find those annoying little brats."

**SUSHIE JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN USE HER TO SWIM ACROSS LARGE BODIES OF WATER BECAUSE MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO GET SWIMMING LESSONS!**

"I really take offense to these partner descriptions…" Mario muttered as he read the above text.

"No time to stand around, let's GO, people!" Sushie shouted.

And they did.

A WHILE LATER…

The gang had now rescued four of the Fearsome Five and was sure that the area they were now in contained the last Yoshi kid. They walked by a large tree and heard snoring coming from it.

"…Am I on 'fish food', or did I just hear that tree snore?" muttered Sushie.

"Both," said Mario as he hammered the tree trunk. Purple Yoshi, the youngest and lowest-ranked of the Fearsome Five, tumbled out of the tree.

"Hmm?...Oh!" said Purple Yoshi as he woke up, surrounded by the eight adventurers. "I'm really sorry, Sushie. I was just waiting here for someone to find me in our hide-and-seek game, but no one ever found me. Heh, guess my hiding spot was actually pretty good! Later, Sushie!" He waved as he jumped off the small bit of land he was on and swam back to Yoshi Village.

"Well…that's all of 'em, right guys?" said Parakarry. Everyone nodded, and Sushie eventually told Mario that she would gladly help him on his adventure to save Peach for the two-billionth time, since she was tired of being cooped up on Lavalava Island and was especially tired of "fish food".

The gang headed back to Yoshi Village, and the chief thanked them graciously as soon as they got there for finding the Fearsome Five. He then gave an odd blue stone that looked like Raphael the Raven to Mario.

"What the?..." said Mario quietly as he examined the stone.

"It's the Jade Raven," said the village chief. "I figured that it would be better if you, the "MASTER OF SLIDING STONES INTO STATUES", took it!"

Mario thanked the chief, but also felt like going for his throat after hearing that damn Resident Evil quote. He somehow resisted the urge like he did with Parakarry, and the newly-formed party of eight moved back into the jungle. They all came across a raven statue at some point, and the "Master of Sliding Stones into Statues" slid the Jade Raven into the statue's slot. A slot machine noise went off, and the statue slid away to reveal a hidden path among the bushes. Mario shrugged and went in, while the rest of the party followed him, with Kooper behind Bombette and Parakarry behind Sushie for one obvious reason.

After going through a couple more simple puzzles, the eight adventurers noticed a white-cloaked Magikoopa talking furiously to three Putrid Piranhas, and quickly hid behind a large plant near the villains.

"When I say 'taco', you say 'taco'!" said the Magikoopa to the Piranha Plants furiously.

"TACO TACO TACO TACO!" snarled the three evil plants.

"Much better!" said the Magikoopa, cackling and throwing a chicken soft taco into the mouths of each Putrid Piranha.

"I hate tacos!" said Sushie furiously.

"Hm? Who was that? WHO GOES THERE!?" yelled the Magikoopa.

Kooper rolled his eyes and stepped out from the plant.

"_Kooper, what the hell are you doing?!!_" snarled Bombette.

"Trust me, honeybunch, I know what I'm doing," said Kooper. He walked into the clearing and held his hands up. "Okay, you got me!" he said. "You can go ahead and search me for drugs now! And by the way, I certainly DON'T have any friends with me, and they certainly WILL NOT make a getaway while you search me…"

"Ha ha ha," said the Magikoopa with heavy sarcasm, "do you think I'm that stupid?! LET'S FIGHT!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 30

Bombette

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Kooper

Goombario

Sushie

VS.

Putrid Piranhas HP: 12 each

W Magikoopa HP: 11

"Let's go, sweetums!" yelled Sushie.

"Sure thing, cupcake!" said Parakarry.

"Shut up. I wasn't talking specifically to you," said Sushie irritably.

"Why don't the both of you shut up!?" said the Magikoopa impatiently. "I've got work to do here!"

Mario uses Power Jump on W Magikoopa. Does 6 damage.

Sushie uses Belly Flop on W Magikoopa. Does 2 damage.

"Reminds me of when she landed on me," said Parakarry admirably as Sushie finished her Belly Flop attack and scowled at the Paratroopa.

All 3 Putrid Piranhas bite Mario. Does 6 damage total.

W Magikoopa casts a healing spell. Heals 5 of W Magikoopa's HP.

"Shoot…" mumbled Mario. "Didn't know they could do that…"

Mario uses Power Bounce on W Magikoopa. Does 7 damage.

Sushie uses Belly Flop on W Magikoopa. Does 2 damage. W Magikoopa faints.

"NOOOO!" cried the Magikoopa. "Avenge me, my fierce, taco-eating beasts…"

"Okay, now we have to take care of these guys…" said Bow, looking at the trio of Putrid Piranhas uneasily.

"Forget that!" said Goombario happily.

Goombario throws three chicken soft tacos into a lava pit. The Putrid Piranhas follow the tacos and fall straight in the lava.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Awesome, we actually made it out of that alive!" cried Kooper with glee. Mario and co. then progressed up an incredibly large tree, and after endless hours of climbing, Mario threw a tantrum that caused part of the tree to magically disappear, making the trip up much shorter. When the gang reached the tree's top, they saw Raphael the Raven, leader of the Raven race, sitting in his giant bird nest.

Mario immediately recognized him. "Raphael the Raven!" he shouted joyously. "What's up, my man?! I haven't seen you since Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island! You still pissed about me making you a constellation in space at the time?"

"Nah, man!" said Raphael. "That stuff is way behind me. But I do have a bit of a bone to pick with Yoshi…"

"Anyway," said Mario in a more serious tone, "we were thinking…could you help us get to Mt. Lavalava?"

"Hahaha! Are you kidding me?" said Raphael humorously. "You don't need my help with that stuff! Just take a bit of my magical 'fish food', and you're good to go!"

"So _that's_ where she gets it from…" said Bow, looking over at Sushie.

"Yeah, so what's it to you?" Sushie snapped.

"Whoa I wonder if this 'fish food' stuff is gonna make me more hyper than usual you know what I mean guys!?!" cried Watt.

"It sure will, you weird little thing!" said Raphael. "Okay, people, here comes the 'fish food' train!" Several of Raphael's associates jumped up into the tree and gave a small sample of 'fish food' to each of the eight heroes, and they all literally hovered over the ground a bit.

"_WhOAaoOAoooAAooo…I'm FlYiNgggG…AwESoMe…_" wheezed Kooper.

"You bet you are!" said Raphael. "You can use that 'fish food' to float up to the entrance, and BAM! Problem solved!"

"Thanks a lot, Raphael," said Mario.

"No problem, little Italian buddy!" said Raphael cheerfully. "By the way, I want you to take this…" He gave Mario a shining red stone. "This is the Ultra Stone, Mario. It is VERY powerful, ESPECIALLY against LIVING things."

Mario weakly chuckled at the cheap Resident Evil quote, trying his best not to kill Raphael on the spot. "Heh…yeah…" he muttered. "Raphael, this stone is just used to Ultra-rank my partners, right?"

"Yeah," said Raphael. "Okay, little guys, go on to Mt. Lavalava and save that Star Spirit! Uncle Raphael is a little busy right now figuring out how Yoshi should wake up with a Birdo's head in his bed tomorrow morning…"

---

**Mt. Lavalava**

Mario and co., along with Kolorado, used the amazing effects of Raphael Raven's 'fish food' to get to Mt. Lavalava's entrance, then immediately went inside. The volcano was swelteringly hot, of course, and a Putrid Piranha suddenly popped out of the ground and saw the eight heroes approaching.

"BZZZT! BLEH HYEH HYUCK, MARIO NOW INSIDE VOLCANO, HYECK HYECK! OVER! BZZZT!" said the plant in a screechy tone, then popped back into the ground. Mario and co. went through several more puzzles in the volcano, upgrading Watt along the way. Eventually, they all came across a dead end: a Metal Block.

"Oh, no! Mario, old boy, this is horrible!" cried Kolorado. "Right beyond this block is a myriad of great treasure! We MUST find a way to break it!"

And so, another irritating fetch quest began. Mario and co. backtracked to another area, moved some blue blocks, dammed a river of flowing lava, had Parakarry carry them all over a small lava gap, braved a fierce gauntlet of sure death, found out that 42 was indeed the meaning of life, then were forced to forget it, and finally reached a brand new hammer!

**YOU GOT THE ULTRA HAMMER!! IT'S _VERY _POWERFUL, _ESPECIALLY_ AGAINST _LIVING_ THINGS!...OH, STUPID RESIDENT EVIL QUOTES…**

The gang then broke the block preventing them from advancing and came across another Super Block, upgrading Sushie this time. Yes, that's right, Parakarry just doesn't get any love, since he's the only one that hasn't been upgraded. BOO-FREAKING-HOO.

The gang started to cross through another narrow chamber deeper into the volcano before Sushie started to examine it closely. "**WHOA!**" she suddenly yelled. "THIS HALL IS **DANGEROUS!!**"

"Please…" moaned Mario, "stop…with…the stupid quotes…damn it…"

Out of nowhere, a humongous spiked boulder WITH A FACE started rolling down the chamber! Bow quickly sprung into action, making the entire party invisible as the boulder rolled by, harming nobody. She sighed with relief, making everyone solid again.

"That was too close!" she said, relieved. "We were almost a Mario-Goombario-Kooper-Bombette-Parakarry-Bow-Watt-Sushie Sandwich!"

"ENOUGH—WITH—THE—QUOTES!" Mario shrieked, just about fed up with everything that happened on this leg of the adventure.

Finally, about an hour later, everything in the volcano was avoided, and Misstar, along with the treasure of Mt. Lavalava, was waiting behind one last doorway…

"Close! So very close!" yelled Kolorado, running into the final room out of nowhere. "My spidey-sense is tingling oh so very much now!"

"Excuse me?" said Sushie strangely.

"Oh, uh, sorry," Kolorado mumbled. "I meant that my treasure-hunting sense was going simply mad right now! The treasure HAS to be behind this doorway that you've been standing in front of!" He rushed in. Mario shrugged impatiently, and gestured for the party to follow him inside. Unsurprisingly, it was not the treasure in the last room, but simply a couple recovery items.

"Hah, some treasure sense you've got there, Indiana Jones!" Bow snapped at Kolorado as the party angrily refilled their health, saved the game, and entered the lower doorway in the previous room.

The final room, of course, was a huge boiling lava pit with seemingly nobody in it until a gigantic Piranha Plant and two smaller ones popped out of the ground.

"BLECK HYEH HYURK! GREETINGS, MARIO! BLEAH BLAH HYAH!" snarled the main plant. "I AM LAVA PIRAHNA, HEAD OF MT. LAVALAVA, AND I DISPOSE OF YOU NICELY, BLAYH HYAYH HYARGH!"

"Well, someone certainly speaks in all-caps too much…" said Bombette.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 30

Goombario

Kooper

Sushie

Bombette

Bow

Watt

Parakarry

VS.

Lava Piranha HP: 20

Lava Buds HP: 8 each

Mario uses Power Bounce on Lava Piranha. Does 5 damage.

Watt uses Turbo Charge on Mario. Increases Mario's attack power by 2 for 4 turns.

Lava Piranha spits fire at Mario. Does 5 damage.

Lava Bud #1 sprays fireballs at Mario. Does 4 damage.

Lava Bud #2 sprouts a Petit Piranha (1 HP).

Mario uses Power Jump on Lava Bud #1. Does 8 damage. Lava Bud #1 faints.

"RRRRGH!" growled Lava Piranha.

Sushie uses Squirt on Lava Piranha. Does 6 damage.

Lava Piranha spits fire at Mario and Sushie. Does 5 damage to Mario and knocks out Sushie for 2 turns.

Mario uses Jump on Lava Bud #2. Does 8 damage. Lava Bud #2 faints.

"EH, I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS LAVA BUD #1…" said Lava Piranha, "…BUT YOU WILL STILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE! GYAH HAH HYECK!"

Watt uses Electro Dash on Lava Piranha. Does 4 damage.

Lava Piranha shoots a barrage of fireballs at Mario and Watt. Does 7 damage to Mario and knocks out Watt for 3 turns.

Mario uses Jump on Lava Piranha. Does 8 damage.

"GYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…" screeched the notorious plant, slithering back into the ground.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQU—**

"NOT JUST YET!" Lava Piranha suddenly yelled.

"Oh, great, now what?" said Sushie in frustration.

Lava Piranha re-emerged with Lava Buds #1 and #2. They were now all encased in burning fire. Mario looked very frightened.

"Oh, SCREW this!" he yelled frantically, throwing three chicken soft tacos at the plants. However, the delicious tacos simply burned to a crisp as they touched the plants.

"No! It can't be…" said Kooper in despair.

"They…they don't like chicken soft tacos?" Sushie gasped.

"HYEH HYEH! YOU HAVE TO TRY HARDER, FOOLISH MARIO AND FRIENDS!" cackled Lava Piranha. "I WILL NOT FALL FOR SUCH FOOLISH TACOS!"

Mario was deep in thought for a few minutes, and then it hit him. He took a cell phone out of Bow's left bow and dialed a number. "Hello? Taco Heaven?" Mario said into the phone. "Yeah, yeah, it's Mario. Listen, guys, I need the greatest taco you can possibly make, okay?...Yes, it's very important…The Tacoway to Heaven? That's what it's called?...Okay, that's good. Yeah. Bye." He hung up and gave the cell phone back to Bow, smirking at Lava Piranha.

A delivery car drove into the chamber a few minutes later and threw the "Tacoway to Heaven", a glowing delicious Ultra-Deluxe Taco, to Mario, then drove away.

Mario simply threw the godly taco to the ground in front of Lava Piranha and the Lava Buds. The plants drooled large volumes of saliva and looked longingly at the taco, and the three of them finally went for it all at once.

Lava Piranha and the Lava Buds fight over the taco and eventually tear each other to bits. Does 40 damage to all 3 of the fiends.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Phew…" said Mario, wiping his sweating forehead with his cap as the playing card containing Misstar floated down to him. He caught it. I'd rather talk about the weather than the flashy sequence. Hey, how's the weather over there? **_END OF CHA—_**

The whole volcano suddenly started to rumble around violently.

"Sorry, guys, my bad," said Kooper.

"Kooper, that's gross!" whined Bombette. "Anyway, what was that?"

"I'm not sure exactly what it was…" said Misstar the Star Spirit. "Oh NO!" she said suddenly. "MARIO!"

The gang turned to her, including Kolorado.

"What on earth is that thing?..." said Kolorado. "Some kind of goofy starfish wearing a ribbon?"

Misstar furiously bit her lip at Kolorado's comment. "I'll curse your family later," she said. "For the moment, we must get out of here, you guys!"

"Remind me why we had to get out of here again HUH???" said Watt in utter confusion.

"Firstly," said Misstar, "the volcano is about to erupt! Secondly, Muskular is going to be really pissed at me for not giving him 'the treatment of the angels' on Wednesday night like I was supposed to. LET'S MOVE, PEOPLE!"

"But…the treasure!" said Kolorado in a high, whiny tone. "The treasure is what we came all the way here for!"

"Then I'm afraid that'll have to wait for another time, you fool," said Misstar darkly. "Again, LET'S _GO!_"

And so, Mario and co., Kolorado, and Misstar ran to the end of the chamber, looking for an exit.

"I really hope we'll get out of this alive…" said Bombette fearfully.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

…

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…

Okay, to sum it up in three words: They got out.

---

**Peach's Castle**

"Um…Your Evilness…" said Kammy Koopa.

"What now?" snapped Bowser, already dreading what he was about to hear.

"The Lava Piranha has been destroyed by Mario," said Kammy as she furiously twisted her magic staff and looked at the ground.

"Hmm…I thought as much," growled Bowser. "I hate that fat Italian moron more than ever now. How exactly was Lava Piranha defeated?"

"Death by taco," mumbled Kammy.

Bowser stomped on the floor of his room in fury. "DAMN YOU, TACOWAY TO HEAVEN! DAMN YOU AND YOUR DELICIOUSNESS!"

Meanwhile…

"Peach…" said Twink, zooming into the princess' room, "I have good news!"

"Whatever would that be, Twink?" asked Peach.

"Mario's freed the fifth honorable Star Spirit!" cried Twink with joy. "TWO MORE TO GO! Can you believe it, Peach?! He's already more than halfway done!"

"That's wonderful! Now we need to find out where the sixth spirit is being held," said Peach.

"Exactly," said Twink. "That's why we're sneaking out again."

"Predictable," muttered Peach.

The damsel in distress and the dude in distress then snuck out through their usual hidden passageway, and eventually entered a room full of empty quiz show equipment…Along with Milfred the Hammer Bros., his friend Michael the Koopatrol, and another Koopatrol that no one really cares about! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

"Princess Peach?" said Milfred in disbelief. "Like, what're you doin' out of your room, girlfriend?! You oughta be in there painting your nails or something!"

"Nah, I don't think I will," said Peach. "What are you guys doing with all this quiz show crap?"

"We stole it off of the set of 'The Shroom Is Right'," said Michael. "Don't tell ANYBODY, though!"

"I won't, I won't," said Peach impatiently. "Could I please play?"

"You sure can, girlfriend!" said Milfred, checking his nails as he set up the quiz show with Mikey and that other Koopatrol dude. After finishing the setup, Peach, Michael, and that one Koopatrol each walked into one of the three separate booths and readied their hands to hit the buzzer whenever they knew the answer to a question.

"I'm nervous, Twink," whimpered Peach. "I don't know anything about this quiz!"

Twink rolled his eyes. "Then why on earth did you join in?"

"Good question," said Peach.

"Hold on a second…" said Twink. He started fumbling through a suitcase of his and eventually pulled out a Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut Player's Guide. "Here we go!" he said. "This'll definitely have all the answers in it!"

"Okay, like, now to get to the questions, dudes!" Milfred said, waving his hand and holding up a question card. "Now: What's the name of the boss inside the volcano on Lavalava Island?"

Twink flipped through the guide and quietly told Peach the answer. Peach hit the buzzer.

"Yeah, girlfriend?" said Milfred.

"…Lava Piranha?" said Peach.

"CORRECT!" cried Milfred. The quiz went on for another 20 minutes or so along with some commercial breaks, and the end was finally near. At this point, Peach, Michael, and that Koopatrol all answered 3 of the 10 questions correctly. Along the way, Peach learned from the quiz question that Flower Fields was where Klevar, the sixth Star Spirit, was being imprisoned.

"And now, gals and girlfriends, it's time…For the TIEBREAKER QUESTION!!" said Milfred in a very game host-ish voice. "Question #10…"

Peach bit her lip.

Michael crossed his fingers.

That one Koopatrol sniffed his armpit. Or something like that. I wasn't paying attention to him anyway.

"…What color underwear am I wearing?" said Milfred, finishing the final question.

Peach fearfully decided that she might as well take a wild guess on this one, so she quickly hit the buzzer.

"Yeah, hun?" Milfred asked.

Peach closed her eyes and racked her brain for a bit, then said, "Um…Pink?"

Everyone was very quiet for some time, including Peach and Twink. Then, Milfred said, "COOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEEEECT!" The Hammer Bros. giggled and blushed, and Peach looked really sick.

"I congratulate you, Princess, and give you these parting gifts, along with a brand new car!!" cried Milfred. Michael and that Koopatrol guy walked up to Peach and gave her two things: A Jammin' Jelly, which restored a load of FP, and a Sneaky Parasol, which was very convenient for sneaking out and disguising yourself. Why they gave her such helpful items, I will never understand for the life of me. After this, a new car rolled out onto the rug. Actually, it was more of a poorly-built wooden station wagon than a new car…

Peach looked oddly at the terrible car, then said, "Thanks for these parting gifts, Mr. Milfred, but I won't be taking the car."

"That's just fine, girlfriend," said Milfred, patting Peach lower and lower on the back.

Out of nowhere, Bowser stormed into the room. "What's with all the noise?!" he yelled. "I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past few days because of ALL THIS DAMN NOISE!" He then noticed the quiz equipment. "Ooooh, The Shroom Is Right! Can I play, guys?"

"…Sorry, Lord Bowser," said Michael, "but we've already finished up. Oh, and guess what? Peach won!"

Bowser groaned. "That sucks, I guess," he muttered. "I really wanted to play. It's great that Peach won, though." He sadly left the room.

Peach was very surprised that Bowser didn't even notice she was out of her room this time, but walked back to it nonetheless as Bowser suddenly said, "Wait…WHAT about the princess?!!?"

---

**Jade Jungle**

"Ah, thanks so much, Mario," said Misstar after her, Mario and co., and Kolorado escaped Mt. Lavalava. "It's so great to see the light of day after being stuck in that boiling pot for so long…"

"You were in there for, like, four days," said Kooper. "It's no big deal."

"Shut it, you!" snapped Misstar. "And you…I suppose you're grateful that I saved your life?" she said, turning to Kolorado.

"Hmmph…" he groaned. "I was so very close to the treasure…I even SAW the treasure chest!...Then my life had to be saved by some strange flying starfish…I hate this day so much…" The disappointed Koopa explorer jumped over the lava pit and walked back to Yoshi Village.

"What an idiot," grumbled the Star Spirit. "Doesn't even care for his own self, only some silly treasure that's probably just an empty chest."

"Come to think of it, I did recall seeing that chest fly out of the volcano and into the middle of the jungle…" began Sushie, before Misstar began speaking again.

"Well, Mario, I must be going now. You remember to save those last two Star Spirits, and I'll make it worth your while!" she winked, and Mario cocked an eyebrow.

Misstar then gave Mario the helpful Smooch ability, then said, "I really must leave. Muskular can't wait any longer. So long, Mario and co.!"

"Bye!" said Mario, waving at the departing starfish—er—star.

"Doesn't she know we have names?" said Bow angrily.

Mario and co. headed back to Yoshi Village, but found the Mt. Lavalava treasure along the way—a Volcano Vase! Why Kolorado would want a vase so badly, I'm honestly not sure. They gave the artifact to Kolorado, and he was happier than they had ever seen him before.

"OH, GOOD HEAVENS!!" cried the Koopa explorer when he grabbed the ancient vase. "Thank you oh so very much, my good friends! Today is the greatest day of my life!!"

"Don't mention it," said Goombario as Kolorado gave the adventurers a Bub-ulb seed he found earlier in exchange for the vase. The party then shook hands with the village chief, the village Yoshis, the village idiot, and the Fearsome Five, then got onto the whale to go back home to Toad Town. As the whale started to depart, a small Koopa still in his eggshell had just swam up to the island's shore. Yes, that's right, Jr. Troopa just wasted his time swimming over there to have to swim back to Toad Town and fight Mario. Jr. Troopa emitted a stream of profanity, then got his flippers back on and started swimming for the whale again.

---

**Toad Town Docks**

The whale dropped off Kolorado, Mario, and the seven partners at Toad Town, and said that he'd be staying at the docks for the time being if they ever needed to go back to Lavalava Island. Kolorado thanked the "tuna" and ran back home with the vase.

Mario and co. were just about to find out where to go next when Jr. Troopa swam up to the docks and got up to land, wheezing heavily.

"THERE…YOU…huff…ARE…huff…MARIO…" Jr. Troopa managed to blurt out. "You're…going…wheeze…going down this time…hoo…huff…"

"Not you again…" moaned Bombette.

"Just who is this punk?" asked Sushie. "He looks like more of a nuisance than the Yoshi kids."

"Man I don't know who you are at all but we're going to beat you so badly OH YEAH BRING IT ON BABY!" shouted Watt.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 30

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Kooper

Parakarry

Goombario

Bombette

VS.

Jr. Troopa HP: 20

"Check it out, Mario!" yelled Jr. Troopa. "Look at all this neat stuff I have to kill you with!" He then transformed into his winged form, this time with a spike on his head and a lot of weapons. "Now I've got wings, and a spiked cap, and gas grenades, and real grenades, and a rocket launcher, and ninja stars, and—"

Mario uses Hammer Throw on the irritating villain. Does 2 damage.

Jr. Troopa began hyperventilating, then fell to the ground, absolutely tired out.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Owch…" said Jr. Troopa. "Ooh, now that I think about it…I could have just used my WINGS to fly from here to Lavalava Island and back…instead of swimming…STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUUUUUUUUUUPIIIIIID!"

Mario and co. looked oddly at the easily beaten, incredibly worn-out Jr. Troopa, then shrugged and went back to the main part of town.

"WORST. VILLAIN. EVER!" said Comic Book Toad, who had been standing nearby and watching the brief fight.

---

**A/N: **And so, another part of our so-called epic adventure comes to a close. We've learned several important things from this chapter: Never eat at McCleft's, Mario hates the voice acting in Resident Evil for the PS1, Raphael obviously holds a grudge against Yoshi, Lava Piranha needs proper English lessons, Sushie really loves her 'fish food', the Tacoway to Heaven is the best taco in existence, and 2 plus 2 equals 4! Be prepared to be wowed even more as Mario and co. head for Flower Fields and do some of the craziest stuff that will ever happen in this fic.

Adesso partirme una revisione, lei inganna.


	8. Chap 6: Semi Dark Partly Cloudy Days in

**A/N: **Happy late Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/any other holiday to all of you folks out there! To celebrate, here is a wonderful new chapter of the stupidest Paper Mario parody ever written. Fish paste.

---

**Chapter 6: Semi-Dark-Partly-Cloudy Days in Flower Fields**

Mario and co. had now returned to the center square of Toad Town, and had been wondering just where the sixth Star Spirit was. Out of nowhere, Twink once again came flying in, hitting Mario on the head. After getting a formidable beating from Sushie, the bruised and beat-up Star Kid informed the gang that Klevar, the sixth of the Star Spirits, would be found in the faraway hippy land known as Flower Fields. Mario thanked the weird little kid as he flew off, then went over to the garden of Minh T., Toad Town's local obsessive gardener. He figured that if Minh knew a lot about flowers, she would indeed know a lot about Flower Fields.

"Of COURSE I know where you can get to Flower Fields!" cried Minh T. with joy when asked the question by Parakarry. "Just hop into this gate right in the middle of my ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL garden!"

Kooper, Bombette, and a few other partners looked at the female Toad gardener strangely, although Mario was too busy picking his nose to do so.

"Um…Thanks for your help, ma'am," said Parakarry. "But how will this gate help? It doesn't lead to anywhere. It's an open door in the middle of a garden…Oh, I get it. You're some kind of philosopher, huh?"

"That's the problem, sir," said Minh. "You gotta have all four Bub-ulb seeds in order to enter Flower Fields through the gate. Otherwise, you might as well kiss that sixth Star Spirit goodbye."

"I really hate these stupid side-quests in video games…" muttered Goombario.

"SHHHH!" said Bow, pulling Goombario's ear toward her. "_You can't let I Am The Almighty Person know that we know that he knows that we're in a video game!_" she whispered to the young Goomba.

"Right…" said Goombario.

"Oh, NO WAY!" said Mario and all the other partners at once.

"I'm NOT going back to Mt. Rugged to get some stupid seed," said Bombette. "It seems like that moron Kooper loved me even more than usual in that place."

"I'm NOT going back to Forever Forest to get an even stupider seed!" said Kooper. "I'm afraid that if I fail to get through the forest again to get the seed, I'll have to play that god-forbidden _E.T._ game."

"And I'm CERTAINLY NOT going over to the southern part of Toad Town that is about 10 feet away from where I'm standing to get a seed," said Parakarry. "Do you have _any idea_ how lazy I get at times? I get so lazy that I can't even do nothing!"

"And finally, I'm definitely NOT going to the Jade Jungle to—oh, nevermind, we already got that one," said Mario.

Minh T. stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I may have something to get you there…" she said. She went back into her absolutely beautiful cottage house, then came back with a familiar substance in her hands.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!" cried Sushie with delight.

"You betcha," said Minh. "Now each of you take a bit of it."

And they did. And they went on a kickass acid trip. And then everything dissolved into nothingness. And then Mario and co. flew by scenes from several musicals and psychological horror films. And then they met some robots that spoke like, "BEEP BOOP BOP BEEPITY BEEP!" you know? And then they arrived at their destination.

---

**Flower Fields**

Mario walked through a small wooden door, then was surprised when he came out into a gigantic field of…well, flowers. However, there were several different plants and Bub-ulbs looking quite depressed about something, and some had been drinking a blue beverage simply known to the real world as "electric Koop-Aid", for its true name was far too ghastly to be spoken.

"Wow, it's Shroomstock all over again," said Parakarry, seeming a bit impressed with the place. "And look, guys! Cheepi Hendrix is right over there putting on a show! I already feel over 30 years younger!"

Indeed, the king of psychedelic rock and blues was performing on a huge stage to the leftmost part of the center of Flower Fields. Bow and Bombette started dancing to "_Voodoo Goomba_" as Goombario said, "Wait just a second; didn't Cheepi Hendrix die in 1970?"

"Yeah, lil' dude, but here in Flower Fields, anything can happen!" boomed an almighty voice behind the party. Mario turned and gasped, for the one who had spoken was a large, living tree with eyes that apparently served as the doorway the gang passed through.

"Just who are you?" asked Sushie.

"Lil' old dudette, how could you not know who I am?" said the tree as it heartily laughed. "I'm Wise Wisterdude, the groovy ruler of this place!"

Wise Wisterdude was a gigantic maple tree that wore purple-shaded round-lens glasses with a purple headband around his branches and several peace signs spray-painted across his wide trunk. He proceeded to tell the situation to Mario and co.

"You see, lil' dudes and dudettes," said Wisterdude, "it began like this. Three days ago, we were throwing our 64th semi-annual week-long Shroomstock Revival Festival when a bunch of totally un-groovy clouds materialized out of nowhere and covered up our awesome, harmonious sky of sunlight and happiness. At first, we thought this was just a brief effect of the electric Koop-Aid, but it turns out that it was caused by a completely un-tubular crack-smoking dude named Huff N. Puff, and he's been ruling over our great land like The Man with his iron fist ever since!"

"Of course we know how sad you feel," said Sushie with heavy sympathy in her voice. "Back in my heyday, I never really liked The Man either."

"Your heyday?" said Kooper. "You mean, like, when they were building the Great Wall of China?"

"SHUT IT, YOU!" Parakarry yelled at Kooper. "So, darling, what about your heyday, again?" said Parakarry more calmly, turning to Sushie.

"Nothing," said Sushie quickly. "So, Mr. Wisterdude, sir, we fully agree to help you and the residents of Flower Fields get this evil crackhead out of your precious skies!"

"Actually—" began Mario.

"SILENCE!" barked Sushie.

"Thanks plenty, you heroic lil' dudes and dudettes," said Wisterdude. "It almost brings a mega-groovy tear to my eye to know that we're being helped by such fantabulous people."

"Don't mention it, I guess," said Bombette.

"Yeah don't mention it at all duuuuude!" said Watt.

"And one more thing…" said Wisterdude. "…Watch out for the groovy side-effects of staying in Flower Fields!"

"Side-effects?" asked Mario uncertainly.

Mario tried to turn around to go to the next area, but before he could, his vision suddenly began to glaze over, and soon he was seeing incredible mixtures of many bright colors in wavy patterns while people all around him shimmered and a heavily distorted version of "_Happy Together_" by The Turtles played in the background.

"_Oh…_" he said in a distant, offish tone. "_THOSE side-effects…_"

All the partners experienced this same method of tripping out a few minutes later, and they all finally agreed that they were good to go. The party left to one of the paths to the right of Wisterdude.

Before leaving Wisterdude, the large groovy tree informed the gang that they would need to clear the dark clouds out of the sky, then use a huge vine to climb up to the skies and defeat Huff N. Puff. As the gang entered a new area of Flower Fields, they noticed a creepy large female flower with purple petals and a sad face crying over a few Monty Moles invading her garden.

"Oh, this is so horrible!" cried the flower, named Petunia, who was now seemingly drowning in her tears. "Those stupid moles are totally un-grooving up my fantubuloso garden!"

"Eh?" grunted Parakarry, not understanding Petunia. Mario proceeded to hammer one of the powerful green moles, and the fight was on!

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 30

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Sushie

Watt

VS.

Monty Moles #1-4 HP: 12 each

Mario hammers Monty Mole #1. Does 6 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash on Monty Mole #1. Does 4 damage.

Monty Mole #1, 2, 3, and 4 throw rocks at Mario. Does 12 damage total.

"SHOOT!" said Parakarry fearfully. "Those are some tough moles!"

Mario uses Star Storm on all 4 Monty Moles. Does 7 damage to all 4 and is still a very kickass Star Power. Monty Mole #1 faints.

Bombette uses Power Bomb on all 3 remaining Monty Moles and the author breaks his other thumb from pressing A too much. Does 6 damage. All 3 remaining Monty Moles faint.

"Uh…ha, I wasn't worried for a second!" said Parakarry.

Bombette rolled her eyes.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

All 4 of the invading moles scurried out of the garden as quickly as possible, and Petunia was overjoyed.

"You dudes and dudettes are all SO tubular!" said Petunia. "As an award, you can take this radical green bean that will certainly grow into a gigantic beanstalk large enough to reach up to the skies, but I will angrily tell you not to plant it when you'll have to anyway to move on in the game…er, journey!"

Mario took the bean and held it over his head a bit overdramatically.

**YOU GOT THE MAGICAL BEAN!! NOW ADD GOD-KNOWS-WHAT TO IT AND YOU'RE GOOD TO GO!**

"Add God-knows-what?" said Sushie. "That'll be hard to find…"

The gang returned to the center square of Flower Fields, only to move on to another path to the lower-left of Wisterdude. Meanwhile, a purple-cloaked female sorceress from Dry Dry Outpost had been moping through the flowers in the center square.

"Oh, I am so very disappointed right now, so much more disappointed than an unmilked cow," said Merlee. "Merluvlee does not love me after all, I see. Perhaps I should offer Merlow a good time for free?"

"Merlee? What're you doing in Flower Fields?" said Merlee's cousin Merluvlee, who had just entered the fields through Wisterdude's trunk.

Merlee sadly said, "I was simply waiting here to tell you that it's over. I'm looking for a new love, so move over, Rover!"

"I'll criticize your rhyming skills later," said Merluvlee decisively. "The point is, you can't have a sexual relationship with either of your cousins, not even Merlow. Just look for your true love out there in the world, preferably one that's not a family member!"

"I see your point very well, Merluvlee. I suppose I'll have to find someone who's not related to me," said Merlee with a heavy sigh.

Then, without warning, Merlee rapidly splashed a gallon of electric Koop-Aid down her cousin's throat. Merluvlee started to furiously trip out, then stiffly dragged Merlee over behind the trunk of Wisterdude, giggled quietly, and the both of them—

---

**Western Flower Fields**

After giving a red berry to a red flower guarding a gate in the southwestern section of the fields, Mario and co. continued down the path until they reached a dead-end containing a yellow long-nosed female flower rooted to a beautiful tree made purely of crystal.

"Ah, greetings to you radical dudes and dudettes!" said the yellow flower. "The name is Posie, and I've recently been frequently mourning over the loss of our tubular blue skies to The Man, A.K.A. Huff N. Puff."

"Posie?" said Goombario. "More like Pinocchio! Ha ha ha ha ha! You have to tell me where you got that hilarious nose from!"

Posie irritably ignored the young Goomba and continued talking. "  
Without our radical and harmonious blue skies, I'm nothing but another square flower like Petunia and everybody else. It's clear that I should be the grooviest flower of this land! By the way, take this soil. It makes me smell funny, and I certainly don't appreciate that."

So naturally, Mario took it.

**YOU GOT THE FERTILE SOIL!! THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THE GOD-KNOWS-WHAT THAT YOU HAD TO ADD TO THE MAGICAL BEAN, THOUGH!**

"Okay, just what is the other thing we need for this bean?" asked Sushie, looking at Petunia's Magical Bean inquisitively.

"HOLY FLOWER POWER!" screamed Posie. "IS THAT A BEAN FROM THAT HIDEOUS SQUARE, PETUNIA!?? GET THE HELL OUTTA MY GARDEN, YOU…YOU…SQUARE-LOVERS! AND TAKE THE STUPID YET REALLY HELPFUL FERTILE SOIL WITH YOU!"

By the time the pompous yellow flower had stopped screaming, Mario and co. were gone and back on the road again.

---

**Eastern Flower Fields**

After upgrading Parakarry along the way, Mario and co. had now given a pair of yellow berries to a yellow guard flower in the southeastern section of Flower Fields, and after hearing him smack the berries around in his mouth and make several disturbing grunts of satisfaction, the gang hurried across a huge chasm of thorns to get to the southeastern section's dead end: A large, elegant, dried-up spring containing a shriveling purple-pink female flower on a lily pad.

"This is so un-groovy…" the flower whined weakly. "I, Lily, most beautiful and radical flower in the land…Left to this terrible fate…Of drying…Up in this empty spring…" She noticed Mario and co. at the spring's edge.

Parakarry didn't know exactly how to greet poor Lily, so he waved a bit.

"Hey Miss Lily ma'am what's the matter huh are you drying up like a WHOLE LOT huh huh huh huh huh huh HUH?!!" cried Watt.

"Oh…yes I am, dudette," whined Lily. "Could you…possibly…get my Water Stone back from those fiendish un-tubular Lakitus?..."

"Of course we can, Lily," said Goombario, trying to use a reassuring tone. "Just you wait here for a while."

"Oh, alright…" said Lily. "Oh, and by the way, if you see Posie along the way, tell her that I think she's a fat, ugly, un-radical, pompous, Pinocchio-wannabe whore, okay?"

"…Sure," said Mario after a long pause.

---

**Western Flower Fields**

Now heading through the path leading directly west from Wisterdude, Mario and co. gave a pair of Blue Berries to a blue guard flower, and he smacked them around in his mouth, making large satisfied grunts.

"Please don't," pleaded Bow. "We've already had to listen to a fat Shy Guy eat a cake and do the same thing."

"Sorry," said the guard, stopping his grunts immediately. "So what are you all waiting for?! Piss off and go find Rosie!"

"Rosie?" said Goombario.

"Yes, Rosie!" said the blue flower guard, rolling his small black eyes. "You know, the pompous rose flower who's holding the Water Stone?"

"Sorry I asked," grumbled Goombario. "Let's go, guys."

Mario and friends proceeded into an incredibly large hedge maze, and Mario groaned as he proceeded to find the pipe leading to the other side of the screen. They all did, eventually, despite accidentally running into hedge branches at times. They were all about to enter Rosie's garden when two bumbling Lakitus were floating behind them, arguing to eachother…

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, AL!" yelled the Lakitu on the right. "THE BEST STAR TREK SERIES WAS _DEFINITELY_ VOYAGER!"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Bert? The Next Generation was clearly the best Star Trek series!" yelled Al to the Lakitu on the left.

"Well, that's really not the point right now," said Bert, attempting to change the subject. "Okay, it was obviously you who dropped the stupid Water Stone in this maze…"

"ME?!" bellowed Al. "IT WAS YOU!"

"YOU!" barked Bert.

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"Oh, shut _up _already!" said Parakarry, snapping the Lakitus out of their repetitive argument.

"You! You can't possibly find the stone, Mario! Lord Huff N. Puff would absolutely kill us!" said Bert.

"That's kinda what I'm hoping will happen once I kick the stuffing out of you two," said Mario, cracking his knuckles as all his other partners got prepared for an obvious fight.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 30

Bombette

Kooper

Goombario

Parakarry

Sushie

Watt

Bow

VS.

Bert HP: 12

Al HP: 12

Mario uses Power Jump. Does 6 damage to Al.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 4 damage to Al.

Al uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Bert uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Hammer Throw on Bert. Does 6 damage.

Parakarry uses Sky Dive on Al. Does 3 damage. Al faints.

"Drat!" shouted Bert. "You eight folks are all gonna pay for this, even if I'm hopelessly outnumbered!"

Mario uses Power Bounce on Bert. Does 7 damage. Bert faints.

"That's funny, I really don't see how I paid from doing that," said Mario jokingly.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

The two Lakitus were now lying unconscious on the ground, and Mario and co. progressed to Rosie's garden. The rose flower happily greeted them, asking them what they came to her for.

"You see, lady, we need that Water Stone you have there for the sake of Lily staying alive," said Bombette as politely as possible.

"Oh," said Rosie, "I honestly didn't know this stone belonged to that fat ugly square Lily."

"God, just how many beefs are there in this place?" said Kooper impatiently.

"Quite a lot," said Rosie. "Okay, listen: I found this stone in the hedge maze when it was dropped by those two bumbling Lakitus you fought earlier. I suppose you could have it…just as long as you give me something even more beautiful in return."

"_What a ditz_," Bombette whispered to Kooper.

"_Completely agreed, little buttercup_," Kooper whispered back.

Bombette grimaced, then agreed to find Rosie something more beautiful. It was at this time that Goombario and Watt remembered about Posie's crystal tree. At first, Sushie thought the two of them meant yanking the whole tree out of the ground and giving it to Rosie, but then Watt rapidly explained that they would take a Crystal Berry from the tree and give it to the self-obsessed rose who was surprisingly not as much of a hippy as the other flowers.

The gang returned to Posie's garden, but were shooed out by Posie when she recognized them and tried scrambling towards them and ripping them apart for associating with Petunia. The gang quietly sneaked in through her garden's backdoor and ever so slightly hammered the crystal tree's roots to cause a Crystal Berry to fall and tickle Posie a bit. Mario plucked the berry away and ran back to Rosie's place with the partners.

The Crystal Berry was handed to Rosie with some difficulty by Watt. "Oh, what a delightful crystal berry this is!" said Rosie joyfully, looking at her reflection in the berry's surface. "Now I can use it to look at and obsess over myself even more than humanly possible!"

"Whatever, lady," said Bombette, leaving the area with the Water Stone.

---

**Eastern Flower Fields**

"Oh…thank you dudes and dudettes so much…" croaked Lily. "Now place that groovy Water Stone right there…"

Mario and Kooper did so, and the spring magnificently filled back up with cold, crisp, glistening water.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! That's so refreshing and rad!" said Lily, relieved to have water and life in her spring again. "Please, take this as a sign of my gratitude!" She floated over and handed a pitcher of water to Mario.

**YOU GOT THE MIRACLE WATER!! THIS INCREDIBLY COLD WATER IS THE FINAL PART OF GOD-KNOWS-WHAT THAT YOU HAVE TO USE WITH THE MAGICAL BEAN!**

"Incredibly cold, huh?" said Parakarry. "Let's see about that…"

Without warning, the Paratroopa mailman poured a bit of the water on Mario's left hand, and it immediately froze into solid ice. Goombario did his low whistle thing.

Mario looked down at his frozen glove and hand, then back up at Parakarry repeatedly. He then got a murderous look all over his face, then threw a deadly tantrum, barely missing Parakarry and propelling the fat Italian plumber and the seven other adventurers to the northwestern section of Flower Fields.

---

**Western Flower Fields**

After propelling halfway through the northwestern part of the fields, Mario and co. proceeded to walk the whole way, getting the Mega Smash badge on the way to a large, square-shaped tower. A sign on the front of the tower said "TOWER OF SQUARES". The whole party looked strangely at the tower's name, then started climbing the inside of it, all the way up to the top. They were surprised to see none other than the sun, small and defeated-looking, moping around the tower top.

"I expected you to look a whole lot bigger…" said Parakarry.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THE SUN IS HERE OH MY GOD!!!!!!" shrieked Watt.

Bow floated up to the sun and asked, "Uh…what are you doing out of the sky, of all things?"

The sun heavily sighed. "Well, ever since that dang crack-smoking evil cloud took over the skies and overthrew me, Flower Fields has never been the same. But of course, my stupid brother Moon gets SO much more respect now, what with the clouds and everything! I hate this darkness…Alas, there's nothing you guys can do, not even Mario. Go home, I hate to have you see me like this…"

"Hey now!" said Goombario.

"I'm an all-star?" said the sun, looking strangely at the Goomba kid.

"He should get his game on and go play?" said Bombette.

"…Actually," said Goombario, "I was gonna say…Hey now! Don't sweat it, Mr. Sun. We promise to get that no-good junkie Huff N. Puff out of the skies and you back up in them faster than you can say 'Flower Fields'!"

"Flower Fields," said the sun. Goombario said nothing.

"WELL!?" yelled the sun all of a sudden. "I SAID IT, AND YOU GUYS AREN'T DOING ANYTHING! GET MOVING, PUNKS!"

"Alright, alright, alright," said Goombario. The party of eight went back down the winding tower and back across the northwestern path. However, as soon as they all left the area of the Tower of Squares, they heard a Lakitu with green hair and red-rimmed sunglasses call out, "HEY! YOU! Uh…yeah, YOU!"

Mario stopped and turned around as the male Lakitu floated down to earth. "You're Mario, right?" he said uncertainly.

"No, I'm Chuck Berry," said Mario sarcastically. "Of course I'm Mario, sheesh."

"Who's Chuck Berry?" said the Lakitu. "Uh…that's not the point right now. Erm…My name is…Spike! Pleased to meet you, plumber boy! Too bad I'll have to take you down with my bare hands now!" "Spike" lunged for Mario.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 30

Sushie

Parakarry

Watt

Bow

Kooper

Bombette

Goombario

VS.

"Spike" HP: 30

"You're…uh…going down!" said "Spike". "Darn, this script is too hard to memorize…"

"Script?" said Sushie.

"Nevermind," said "Spike" quickly.

Mario uses Jump on "Spike". Does 4 damage.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot. Does 6 damage.

"Spike" uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Power Jump on "Spike". Does 6 damage.

Parakarry uses Sky Dive. Does 3 damage.

"Spike" uses Super Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage to Mario and knocks out Parakarry for 3 turns.

Mario uses Jump on "Spike". Does 4 damage.

Bow uses Slap. Does 5 damage.

"Spike" uses Super Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage to Mario and knocks out Bow for 3 turns.

Mario uses Jump on "Spike". Does 4 damage. "Spike" faints.

"YEEEEEOW!" cried "Spike". "You're tougher than I thought, man! Good work! I mean…DARN IT! OF ALL THE ROTTEN LUCK! WHY COULDN'T I—"

"Oh, shut up," mumbled Mario.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Spike" laid limp on his floating white cloud, and Mario was about to finish him off when a female voice cried, "WAAAAAIT! DON'T HURT HIM!"

"A bit too late for that, lady," said Bow.

The female voice in fact belonged to a Lakitu girl with orange hair and a ponytail riding a pink cloud. She sped over to "Spike" and slapped him hard enough to make even Bow deeply jealous. "Spike" awoke at once, and frowned sadly at the sight of his girlfriend. "Oh no…" he groaned. "Please, Lakilulu…"

"No, Lakilester!" said Lakilulu in a firm tone. "It's clear that you can't be defeated by Mario and that you suck total ass as a villain! He'll kick the crap out of you!"

"As if he hasn't already," mumbled Lakilester. "And stop calling me Lakilester! That's the stupidest name ever, I swear! Call me SPIKE, for the last time!"

"But it's the name you were born with. The name your mother gave you, for God's sake!" said Lakilulu. "And please stop changing your name to such silly things all the time. First it was Johnathan, then it was Pokopii, then Bjorn, then Dee Dee Ramone, then—"

"I don't care," snapped Lakilester. "Spike is my name, and that's that."

Lakilulu heavily sighed, and decided that arguing with her boyfriend and winning wasn't going to be possible. She turned to Mario and co. "Please, all of you," she said, "I beg of you to forgive my boyfriend for attacking you. He's not that bad of a guy, and he honestly just plain sucks at being a bad guy. He forgets the script all the time. He helps old Lakitus cross the street. He constantly goes to the blood bank and the sperm bank. He…Oh, you get the idea. The only reason why he attacked was because he worked for that terrible crack addict, Huff N. Puff."

Lakilester floated over to Mario, holding out a hand. "You can forgive me, right, man?"

Mario looked at his partners, then shrugged and shook the Lakitu's hand. "No problem, pal," he said.

Mario proceeded to tell Lakilester and Lakilulu why he was in Flower Fields, and after the entire story, Lakilester said, "Hmm…Okay, I still don't get it. Just what are you fighting for?"

Mario wasn't sure just what to say to this quirky, unusual Lakitu. Goombario piped up and said, "For the good of chocolate chip cookies everywhere!"

Lakilester and his girlfriend both raised their eyebrows at this statement, then Lakilester said, "Chocolate chip cookies!? I FREAKIN' LOVE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES, DUDE!! I'LL JOIN YOU ON YOUR NOBLE QUEST IMMEDIATELY!"

And just like that, Lakilester floated over to Mario's side and joined him as the ninth and final adventurer faster than you could say "Lakitu who tries acting cool, sucks at being evil, and has a slightly overprotective girlfriend."

**LAKILESTER—**

"**SPIKE!!!"**

—**SPIKE JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN USE HIM TO FLOAT OVER LARGE CHASMS OF HAZARDOUS MATERIAL BECAUSE MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY…WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT REALLY SURE THAT THERE'S ANYTHING MARIO COULD POSSIBLY DO FOR THAT!**

"At least it didn't insult you this time," said Sushie.

"Yeah," Mario responded.

Lakilulu seemed hesitant at first to let her boyfriend travel with Mario, but eventually agreed to. She then turned to Mario and angrily whispered to him, "_And I swear, if ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING happens to Lakilester, you'll be rushed to the Toad Town Hospital with a Spiny in your fat Italian colon before you even know it!_"

Mario agreed reluctantly, then quietly traveled to the northeastern part of Flower Fields with the eight other partners.

"Your girlfriend is a total psychopath," Mario fearfully said to Lakilester.

"Tell me something I don't know," he retorted.

---

**Eastern Flower Fields**

Eventually, after upgrading Lakilester and crossing through a massive switch-related puzzle using the floating skills of Lakilester, the nine adventurers came across a machine being guarded by a yellow-cloaked Magikoopa and the two Lakitus from before, Al and Bert. The machine seemed to be spewing smoke out of a pipe, and then Mario and co. realized that this machine was the source of the clouds darkening and oppressing Flower Fields.

"Man, I'm so bored," whined Al. "Don't you think there's enough crack clouds in the sky by now?"

"I think so," agreed the Magikoopa. "Let's take a bit of a break, not even noticing that Mario and his partners are right next to us and are about to break the machine."

Mario and co. now sadly realized that these weren't ordinary clouds, but clouds made of the same drug material that Huff N. Puff puffed and huffed so much. The substances in these clouds would silently rain down on citizens of Flower Fields, withering them away to nothing. Mario, Goombario, Kooper, and Bombette angrily ran up to the machine and busted it to bits, right before the enemies' bewildered eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the three villains, dropping to the ground and spreading their arms in anger and despair. "THE CRACK CLOUD MACHINE!"

"Huff N. Puff will kill us!" moaned Bert.

Magikoopa furiously turned to Mario and co. and pointed at them. "Not if WE kill THEM first!" he shouted.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 35

Bombette

Kooper

Goombario

Sushie

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Lakilester

VS.

Y Magikoopa HP: 11

Al HP: 12

Bert HP: 12

"Prepare to be sent to the depths of HELL!" cried the Magikoopa.

"Okay, we get it, this is a really dangerous battle and all," said Bow, "but could you just shut your mouth for a minute?"

Mario uses Mega Smash on Y Magikoopa. Does 10 damage.

Bow uses Slap on Bert. Does 5 damage.

Y Magikoopa electrocutes self. Physical attacks will be countered for 3 turns.

Al uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Bert uses Super Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage to Mario and knocks out Bow for 3 turns.

Mario uses Jump on Bert. Does 4 damage.

Sushie uses Belly Flop on Bert. Does 4 damage. Bert faints.

"Shoot, not again!" cried Bert.

Y Magikoopa uses Shape Projectile Attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Al uses Super Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage to Mario and knocks out Sushie for 3 turns.

Mario uses Hammer Throw on Y Magikoopa. Does 6 damage. Y Magikoopa faints.

"Oh no…Now it's all up to me…" said Al.

Mario uses Jump on Al. Does 4 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage.

Al uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Jump on Al. Does 4 damage.

"Aw man!" cried Al before falling unconscious.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Now we're dead for sure…" groaned the Magikoopa as the sky slowly became brighter and brighter, and the clouds started dissolving away…

Meanwhile, Lily, Posie, Rosie, Petunia, Wise Wisterdude, Lakilulu, and every other citizen of the great Flower Fields gleefully celebrated the victory of Mario and co. as the sun rose back into the sky and poured down on the flowers once again.

However, one person was definitely not celebrating…

Back where Mario, the partners, and the three bumbling villains were, a terrible, drawling voice rained down from the clear blue sky.

"_YOU DAMN MORONS!_" shrieked the voice. "_HOW** DARE **YOU DISGRACE THE GREAT HUFF N. PUFF AND RUIN HIS CRACK-A-LICIOUS PLANS WITH YOUR IDIOCY AND TOMFOOLERY?! BEGONE!_"

Without warning, thunder pounded the very ground Mario was standing on, and three bolts struck Al, Bert, and the yellow-cloaked Magikoopa, causing them to instantly disappear with a flash of great white light. Mario and co. hurried back to central Flower Fields.

---

**Central Flower Fields**

The partners all wiped sweat off their foreheads as they narrowly escaped Huff N. Puff's fury and returned to Wise Wisterdude and the overjoyed residents of all of Flower Fields.

"Radical stuff, lil' dudes and dudettes!" cried Wisterdude with happiness. "Now head on up to our fantubular sky and defeat The Man! We're counting on all of you, even the Lakitu that's square at being evil!"

Lakilester frowned.

Mario obediently placed the Magical Bean in a patch of Fertile Soil in the center area's center, watered it with Miracle Water, and stepped back to watch the giant vine propel high, high up, into the heavens…

The nine adventurers reluctantly hopped on some vine leaves, and relaxed as they were brought up by the leaves into the pure white clouds, where Lord Huff N. Puff was waiting furiously.

---

**Cloudy Climb**

This last leg of the chapter was quite simple. Mario found a Super Jump Charge badge on a smaller cloud, then proceeded back to the right, and stopped at a huge cloud containing a hole in the middle.

Parakarry thought of donuts and began to drool.

Bow thought of the hole being none other than the passage to certain death.

Goombario considered the hole to be a passage into good fortune.

Kooper and Bombette just considered the hole to be a hole and nothing more.

Watt rapidly thought about how super super super super mega mega cool the hole was for some reason.

Sushie thought of the hole as some kind of philosophical symbol.

Lakilester thought of the hole as—Oh…Oh my God…What a pervert…

Out of the hole popped none other than the formidable Huff N. Puff. He was certainly larger than his Ruff Puff minions, he actually had fists, and he held a lit, rolled blunt in his hand. He had on a very mixed look, one seemingly caught between fury and light-headedness from too much crack.

"YOU!" boomed Huff N. Puff. "YOU, MY FRIEND, WILL PAY DEARLY FOR RUINING MY PLANS AND ATTEMPTING TO RUIN KING BOWSER'S PLANS AS WELL!"

"Wait a minute, Huff…You work for Bowser?" said Lakilester. "Didn't know that. Anyway, we're just about ready to bust a cap in your crackhead ass!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lakilester," said Huff N. Puff, "I know how you are. Tries acting tough, sucks completely at being a villain and devoted follower of mine, all talk and no action…And now you betray me? This is preposterous! All nine of you fools are doomed, especially you, plumber boy!"

"Stop calling me that," Mario groaned. "Please."

"Plumber boy, plumber boy, plumber boy! Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!" said Huff N. Puff, making very immature gestures towards our heroes.

Mario turned to the front of the screen and whispered, "See, kids? This is your brain on crack. Don't you dare try smoking it, or any other drugs, for that matter. We don't need more idiots like Huff N. Puff in the world, mmm-kay?"

"That was strange, Mario," said Kooper.

"How is it strange to you?!" said Mario irritably. "You did the same thing in Chapter 1. Anyway, let's fight and stuff and yadda yadda yadda."

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 30 FP: 35

Lakilester

Sushie

Bow

Watt

Goombario

Kooper

Parakarry

Bombette

VS.

Huff N. Puff HP: 60

Mario uses Jump on Huff N. Puff. Does 4 damage.

Suddenly, after getting hit by Mario's two stomps, four Tuff Puffs popped out of Huff N. Puff as the evil crack addict shrank slightly.

"What the?..." said Lakilester.

"You see, fools, whenever I'm hurt, pieces of me pop off into crack-filled Tuff Puffs. I just have to inhale them back in to regain health and vigor! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge on all enemies. Does 3 damage. All Tuff Puffs faint. Does 3 damage to Huff N. Puff. 3 more Tuff Puffs are produced.

Huff N. Puff punches Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario uses S. Jump Charge. Jump is powered up by 4 points.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge. Does 3 damage to all enemies. All Tuff Puffs are destroyed. 3 more Tuff Puffs are produced.

Huff N. Puff inhales 3 Tuff Puffs. Regains 3 HP.

Mario uses Power Jump. Does 10 damage to Huff N. Puff. 10 Tuff Puffs are produced.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge. Does 3 damage to all enemies. All Tuff Puffs are destroyed. 3 more Tuff Puffs are produced.

Huff N. Puff charges up attack power by 2.

Tuff Puffs attempt to attack Mario. Does 4 damage.

Mario uses Stone Cap. Is shielded from attacks and immobilized for 3 turns.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage to Huff N. Puff. 4 more Tuff Puffs are produced.

Huff N. Puff uses Lightning attack. Does 0 damage to Mario.

Tuff Puffs try attacking Mario. Does 0 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge on all enemies. Does 3 damage to all. All Tuff Puffs are destroyed. 3 more are produced.

Huff N. Puff inhales 3 Tuff Puffs. Regains 3 HP.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 4 damage to Huff N. Puff. 4 Tuff Puffs are produced.

Huff N. Puff charges up attack power by 2.

Stone Cap wears off.

Mario uses Fire Flower on all enemies. All Tuff Puffs are destroyed. Does 3 damage to Huff N. Puff.

Bow uses Outta Sight. Mario is invisible during enemy's attack.

Huff N. Puff uses Lightning attack. Misses Mario.

Outta Sight wears off.

Mario uses Power Bounce. Does an astonishing 20 damage to Huff N. Puff. 20 Tuff Puffs are produced.

Huff N. Puff punches Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario uses Power Bounce again. Does 6 damage to Huff N. Puff. 6 more Tuff Puffs are produced.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge. All Tuff Puffs are destroyed. Does 3 damage to Huff N. Puff. 3 Tuff Puffs are produced.

"Crud!" cried Huff N. Puff.

Huff N. Puff faints.

Tuff Puffs attack Mario. Does 6 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge. All Tuff Puffs are destroyed.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Goombario did his low whistle, this time louder and more impressed than usual. "Wow. That was around 2 to 3 pages worth of a battle sequence."

"I know," said Mario happily. "Crazy, huh? I was thinking of throwing a super-powerful I Can't Believe This Battle Is Taking So Long So I'll Finish It Now Tantrum, but the author wouldn't let me."

"The author sucks," said Lakilester.

"Agreed," said all the other party members.

"NOOOOO! I CANNOT LOSE TO SUCH FOOLS!" yelled the fiendish Huff N. Puff. "WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO ALL MY PRECIOUS BAGS OF CRACK?! AAAAAAAAAH…." The villain disappeared permanently, and the card containing Klevar floated over to Mario. Mario picked it up. ?egassem sdrawkcab a edoced ton yhw ,ecneuqes yhsalf eht tuoba gnidaer fo daetsnI **_END OF CHAPTER!!!_**

---

**Peach's Castle**

"Um…Your Raunchiness?" said Kammy, walking into Bowser's room, more hunched and ashamed than ever. "Mario has defeated Lord Huff N. Puff and freed Klevar."

"I should have expected you to tell me this," said Bowser, now angrier than usual. "Oh, you had better tell the Crystal King and his troops that Mario must be stopped for good before getting the last Star Spirit, or else I'm REALLY going to raise hell…"

"Indeed, Your Hell-Raisingness," said Kammy, walking out of the room and proceeding up to the top of Peach's Castle.

MEANWHILE…

"Oh, Peeee-each!" said Twink, flying into the Mushroom Kingdom princess' bedroom once again. "Mario has freed the sixth Star Spirit! You'll be out of Bowser's clutches in no time, my good friend!"

"Oh, this is so wonderful!" said Peach, hugging Twink. "I'm so glad that Mario has actually made it this far, and he's almost done! And furthermore…We don't even know where he's supposed to go next…" She suddenly frowned.

"No worries, we can use the Sneaky Parasol we got from that quiz show in the last chapter to find out some more info on where the final honorable Star Spirit is being held!" said Twink in a reassuring tone.

"I suppose you're right," said Peach, "but why do you always call them 'honorable'? I've wished to them for several….uh, _personal_…things….and those wishes were never granted. That's not very honorable to me."

"Meh, who cares about your problems right now?" said Twink carelessly.

"Good point," said Peach.

And so, the sneaky duo grabbed the Sneaky Parasol, tiptoed like sneaky rats right out of Peach's bedroom door, made sneaky faces, and sneaked like their sneaky little selves had never sneaked in sneakiness. Peach quietly drew out the parasol and used it to disguise herself as that one Koopatrol from the quiz game when his back was turned.

The disguised Peach and Twink hurried down to the second floor and talked to a Koopatrol guarding the entrance to the first floor.

"Shoot, he's still not here…Hey, you!" said the Koopatrol, pointing to Peach. "Could you get that lard ass in here? He's late for something upstairs on the rooftop."

_…On the rooftop? _ thought Peach.

"Sure thing," said Peach, trying to disguise her high-pitched voice with that one Koopatrol's low, croaky tone. The Koopatrol gave Peach a key to the castle entrance, and Peach used it to exit the castle, of course. She felt uncomfortable as she went to the edge of the castle ground and stared down at Bowser's Castle and the bottomless black sky below it, but quickly shook it off and disguised herself as a Clubba sleeping near the door, assuming that this was the lazy guy the Koopatrol was talking about.

The sneaky princess proceeded all the way back up to the third floor of the castle, stopping at the entrance to what used to be her private quarters, where all this absolutely silly stuff began in the first place. The Koopatrol guarding the door to her quarters then said, "Hey, you! Yeah, you! How's it going, You?"

"Uh…fine," croaked Peach.

"That's great, You," said the Koopatrol. "Now hurry up there. Kammy's waiting."

"Alright," said Peach obediently. "And please stop calling me 'you'."

"What?" said the Koopatrol. "Your _name_ is You. Are you lazy AND forgetful tonight?...Sheesh…"

Peach checked the Clubba's pocket and saw a driver's license with the name "You Clubba" printed on it.

"Well, I'll be damned," she muttered as she walked through the door.

---

**Peach's Castle - Rooftop**

Peach was still disguised as You the lazy green Clubba when she reached the castle rooftop, and it was quite chilly up in the sky tonight. Not to mention the fact that she was now higher in the skies than ever. She patiently chewed some Goomba Brand Bubblegum to pop her ears until Kammy arrived at the rooftop to greet the cleverly disguised Peach and a few other troops with her.

"Okay, everyone, I have excellent news!" said Kammy, dramatically holding up her hands. "Lord Bowser's super-duper-ultra-mega-secret weapon is finally COMPLETE! If we're lucky, this revolutionary device might even make our great king so powerful that the power of the Star Spirits COMBINED can't do jack! We'll start testing it out late tonight, so I expect all of you along with His Evilness to be back here at two o'clock sharp."

"2:00 A.M.?!" cried Peach, quickly remembering to switch to her throaty croaking voice before it was too late. "I'll never be able to stay up that long! Today is a Saturday, and I always go to sleep nude on Saturdays at midnight or earlier!"

Kammy raised an eyebrow and walked up to "You". Peach realized she might have just made the biggest mistake of her life.

"Something's very wrong here…" said Kammy. "This one smells…too nice…You! Why do you smell so nice?! It's clearly a requirement for Bowser's lowest troops to smell like crap all the time!"

Peach closed her eyes in fear as Kammy continued studying her disguised body (unfortunately, yes, she studied it THAT HARD, for all you pervs out there). "Hmm…" muttered Kammy. "This…This isn't even You! It's an impostor!"

Peach shamefully hung her head down, and Twink gasped and hid as Kammy used a spell to shatter You's cloned body and reveal Peach underneath it.

"PRINCESS PEACH!" Kammy yelled. "Oh dear, this is not good at all…You should be in your room, young lady! Go back there now before I use brute strength on you!"

"Nope," said Peach. The guards all looked shocked, and Kammy's jaw dropped.

"Um…" said Kammy, struggling with what to say. "…Uh…Go back to your room NOW, or NO watching 'Friends' for a WEEK, missy!"

"Nah, it's been cancelled recently anyway," said Peach carelessly.

"Uh…" said Kammy. "Pretty please, with a cherry on top?"

Peach was just about to laugh insanely at this poor, desperate old Magikoopa trying to send her to her room and being completely unsuccessful, but decided to give in nonetheless. "Ha ha, okay, fine, Kammy. You win," said Peach, walking back to her room with Twink stealthily flying away from the area.

Kammy smiled weakly for being barely victorious, although she couldn't help feeling greatly embarrassed in front of the troops.

---

**Central Flower Fields**

Klevar the Star Spirit gratefully thanked the nine heroes, taught Mario the "Time Out" ability, and ascended up to Star Haven, where every other spirit was nervously waiting for the rescue of Kalmar, the seventh Star Spirit.

"Ah, thanks to all of you awesome lil' dudes and dudettes, our land of Flower Fields is finally radical and free to groove once again!" said Wise Wisterdude joyfully to Mario and his partners. "Now that crazy crack fiend will never bother our rad selves ever again. We thank you all from the bottom of our harmonious, fantabuloso hearts."

Everybody in Flower Fields gave in to a group hug, which quickly turned ugly when Posie, Rosie, Lily, and Petunia started fiercely fighting eachother, eventually ending with two Bub-ulbs pulling them all away from eachother.

Lakilulu floated up to her adventure-bound boyfriend. "Listen, Lakilester…" she began, with a slight hint of tears in her eyes. "We all know that you suck ass at being evil, but maybe, just maybe, you can prove us wrong by showing that you, along with Mario, can KICK ass at being a HERO!" She burst into tears, giving Lakilester several hugs and kisses, while everyone including Mario and co. was forced to say "Aaaaaw!"

The crowd parted to continue their delayed 64th semi-annual Shroomstock Revival Festival, and on a nearby stage, the spirit of Cheepi Hendrix proceeded to play his first new song in more than three decades, titled, "Lakilester May Be a Suck-Ass Villain, But He Makes A Damn Good Hero And Knows How To Love His Woman". The crowd and eight of the adventurers started singing along and dancing as Lakilester angrily shouted that his name was "Spike". Eventually, Mario and the eight partners said their goodbyes to the folks of Flower Fields, promised to come back someday, and all took a long drink of electric Koop-Aid supplied by Merlee and Merluvlee, who, for some "mysterious" reason, were spotted nude under a blanket behind Wise Wisterdude.

The Koop-Aid took its effect, and Mario and co. started to fly through the same route of space and time that they did on the way to Flower Fields, only this time in complete reverse. As they arrived back in Toad Town, they crashed on Minh T.'s most valued flower bed and were furiously shooed away by Minh T. and her trusty automatic sub-machine gun. They rested for the entire evening, wondering what last insane obstacle would lie before them before the big battle.

---

**A/N: **Well, with all that said and done, we can safely say that Mario and co. successfully completed their journey through the drug- and hippy-infested land of Flower Fields, defeated the fiendish crack addict Huff N. Puff for good, restored peace and…uh…groove to Flower Fields, and befriended Lakilester/"Spike", a former forgetful and terrible member of the Koopa Troop. Also, we can say that we experienced a surprising encounter between the sorceress cousins, learned more of just what the villainously villainous villain Bowser has in store for Mario and friends, discovered the disturbing effects of electric Koop-Aid and Flower Fields, learned that classic '60s music actually sounds pretty good when distorted, learned that crack makes you incredibly dumb and immature, and that the ladies of Flower Fields need to stop having beefs with eachother. Where this adventure will lead our heroes next is anybody's guess…

Okay, enough of that crap. REVIEW TIME!


	9. Chap 7: A Star Spirit on Thin Thin Ice

**A/N: **It's all come down to this: rescuing the final Star Spirit and taking the crazy journey to Bowser's Castle and the big fat finale. But first, before that, just where do Mario and friends need to go to rescue Kalmar? Instead of wasting your time with this annoying question, I'll conveniently answer it in one of the following beginning paragraphs. Fish paste.

---

**Chapter 7: A Star Spirit on Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin Ice**

"So…Where to next, guys?" asked Goombario the next morning. Mario and co. where honestly unsure where the seventh Star Spirit would be found, so they only shook their heads sadly. While the nine of them moped around part of Toad Town, Merlon the magician suddenly ran out of his house and over to Mario.

"Please, Mario, you MUST come to my house quickly! It's very urgent!" cried the ancient man. All the adventurers obediently followed, but Watt quietly thought to herself, _Gee I sure hope this guy isn't Michael Koopson because if he's luring us to his super duper awesome mega cool house with the super cool spinning roof then I don't wanna ever ever ever know what'll happen in there oh no siree!_

After entering the magician's house, Mario and friends were about to sit down, but gasped at the sight of a small Ninji in Merlon's small house.

"Ninji!" Mario shouted. "What're you doing out of Subcon?! You should be back in Super Mario Bros. 2 jumping up and down like an idiot in one fixed place until I throw a radish at you!"

"What in the world are you talking about, man?" said the Ninji. "The name is Harold the Ninji, and I was born to the second generation of Ninjis."

Mario looked dumbly at Harold.

Harold sighed. "You know," he said, "the generation of Ninjis AFTER all that Subcon crap?"

"…Oh," said Mario, pretending to understand when he really didn't know a damn thing the Ninji was talking about.

"Well, Mario, Harold didn't come here just to argue, you know," said Merlon. "You see, he came here from Starborn Valley over in the Shiver region."

"…Oh," Mario said again.

"Merlon is right, Mario," said Harold. "You see, I came here to inform you that we have seen that the seventh Star Spirit, Kalmar, has been kidnapped and brought to some area near Shiver City. I suggest you go there if you really desire to defeat Bowser and save the world."

"…Oh," said Mario a third time, a little quieter now.

"Shut up," said Merlon.

"Sorry," Mario mumbled.

"Well, if you saw Kalmar being brought to wherever he is now, these villains certainly aren't good at keeping these kidnappings very secret," said Goombario.

"Tell me about it," agreed Harold.

"Oh boy we get to go to Shiver City oh boy did you guys know that those super duper crazy and messed-up Gulpit things live over there oh man I totally can't wait oh yeah!" said Watt.

Merlon chuckled. "I see one of you is quite excited to go over there," he said. "Anyway, when you reach the Shiver region, I suggest you immediately go to Starborn Valley and meet my son, Merle. He will most likely know where Kalmar is imprisoned. Oh, those poor little Star Kids…They'll never ever rise up into the sky without the Star Rod or the Star Spirits' help…"

Bow and Sushie were quite sympathetic members of the party, and they started to sniffle quietly at this last comment of Merlon's. They quickly dragged the other partners out the door, but Mario stayed to ask one final question.

"Just how do we get to Shiver City?..." asked Mario.

"No problem-o, Mario," said Harold reassuringly. "Just find a cold, icy area deep in the Toad Town Tunnels, and there should be a pipe in there. Hop in, and you'll be at the Shiver region faster than that blue-shelled Koopa on that pink Bob-omb chick in bed."

Bombette heard Harold from outside, angrily rushed in to bomb him, and all nine adventurers left for the town sewers as Merlon waved goodbye.

---

**Toad Town Tunnels**

After finding a Super Block hidden in Toad Town's pond and Ultra-ranking Goombario, Mario and co. progressed throughout the tunnels, finding 4 Super Blocks along the way and Ultra-ranking Kooper, Sushie, and Watt with them. Along with destroying 3 powerful Bloopers and finding the Ultra Boots power-up, Mario and the partners finally found the door to the icy room in the tunnels after several hours of hard searching. Another Super Block was found in the icy room, and after quickly Ultra-ranking Bombette, the group slid into the large pipe leading the way to Shiver City.

---

**Shiver Region - Shiver City**

"Gee, th-th-they d-don't c-c-c-call it th-the Sh-shi-shi-shiver R-region for n-nothing," said Parakarry through chattering teeth as he hugged himself to try and keep warm in the harsh snowy and freezing weather plaguing the city the group entered. Mario naturally had no clue where Starborn Valley was located, so he walked into a random house on the farthest left side of Shiver City to ask for directions. At first, it seemed nobody was inside, but then a purple female penguin with an apron walked out of the back room and greeted the adventurers.

"Greetings, adventurers!" said the penguin. "My name is Mayor Penguin's Wife, and I'd be glad to let you stay with my husband in the back room as I make some coffee even though you're a total stranger and you could do anything to my great husband if my back was turned!"

"…Thanks, ma'am," said Bow, really not knowing what to say at first.

"So what are you waiting for? Go on, the back room is over there," the penguin said kindly, motioning over to the door she entered through. Mario and co. obediently walked into the other room, but noticed an old blue penguin with thick gray eyebrows and a large hat lying motionless on the ground. There was a present near him, and a note in his hand had "Herringway" quickly scrawled onto it. And of course, he had that clichéd "XX" look on his face, as he was apparently dead.

The mayor's wife came back in the back room holding a tray, saying, "Okay everyone, who wants milk and coo—" and then she stopped dead at the sight of her husband on the ground. The tray fell to the ground with a loud shatter, and Mario turned around to see what was the matter.

"MY HUSBAND IS DEAD!" the mayor's wife shrieked. "HE'S DEAD, NOW THAT HIS LIFE HAS PEAKED!" She turned to Mario and pointed at him, saying, "I know it was you, 'cause I'm not that dim!"

"But how could it be me?" said Mario in confusion. "He was already dead when I came in, and that's the conclusion!"

"I don't believe you at all, you mangy killer!" shrieked the wife. "You're even worse than Michael Koopson in the video for 'Thriller'!"

"Okay, what's up? Why're we all rhymin'?" asked Goombario with perfect timin'.

"I don't know, and I don't care," said Mario as he massaged his hair. "Okay, author, we're seriously tired of this!" he said, so I stopped making them rhyme before they all got really pissed.

"Thank you," said Kooper.

No problem, dipshit.

"Alright, what's up, folks?" said the Shiver City ranger, a green penguin with an earflap hat, as he walked into the room. "I was watching the game, and I heard a very loud shriek and a lot of irritating rhyming coming from next door, so I naturally decided to investigate."

"It was HIM!" cried the mayor's wife, pointing to Mario.

"Again, I ask you this: How could it be me?!" said Mario in exasperation. "When I walked in here, he was already lying on the floor with that 'XX' look on his face."

"He does that every afternoon," said the wife. "But I KNOW he's dead this time because he isn't moving or breathing!"

"Uh, right then, folks," said the ranger. "Alright, tell you what: The fat plumber is restricted from leaving the city along with all his little friends, and we'll hold a funeral service for Mayor Penguin tomorrow. You oughta be lucky, Ms. Mayor's Wife. Think of what you'll inherit from him!...But you're not inheriting his Paper Mario porn collection. I've got dibs on that."

Mayor Penguin's wife cried loudly as the ranger went into the front room to have some milk and cookies, and she yelled at Mario and co. to get out of her house immediately. They did so, and as soon as they all set foot outside again, citizens all around were giving them dirty looks, and the usual cheerful music of Shiver City was now a sad, dark, waltz-ish type of music playing out of nowhere.

"Sorry, you murdering scum, but I'm not letting you leave," said the Shiver City gatekeeper. "Starborn Valley is conveniently located beyond this point, and you were clearly told by the ranger that you are restricted from leaving."

"THE POWER RANGERS?!" shouted Lakilester, who had been sleeping through the whole Mayor Penguin death incident. "WHERE?!!"

"Hmm…" said the gatekeeper. "Tell you what: The Lakitu dude can go to my house and watch Power Rangers, and you guys can stay out in the cold and freeze your asses off."

Lakilester smirked, stuck his tongue out at Mario, and gleefully floated over to the gatekeeper's nearby house. Mario groaned and went over to the frozen pool in the city. He was pretty bored, so he used his brand-new Ultra Boots and three powerful Tornado Jumps on the ice, and it broke apart completely. Sushie noticed something at the lake's bottom, swam down to get it, and rose back over the water to give none other than a warehouse key to Goombario.

Goombario unlocked the nearby warehouse with the conveniently retrieved key, walked in with Mario, and went upstairs to find nothing. However, Kooper bounced off a spring upstairs, and Mario irritably followed him, with all the other partners following behind. They all landed on the warehouse's snow-covered, slippery roof. Before they could scramble back up, they all slid off the roof and down through another chimney in the neighboring house. All nine of the adventurers landed in a burning fireplace and howled loudly, immediately catching the attention of a dark-greenish penguin with thin, spiky white eyebrows that was in the attic.

"Who goes there?" said the penguin calmly.

"Long story short, the name's Mario, and you're busted, pal," said Mario, brushing off his severely burnt behind. "Come with me!"

"Huh?" said the penguin.

"You're the Shiver City novelist, Herringway, correct?" Sushie asked the penguin.

"Yes," said Herringway.

Sushie squealed like a small girl, fainted briefly, and got back up to ask for Herringway's autograph on her chest.

"Uh…Alright then," said Herringway, obeying Sushie's slightly suggestive request and scribbling his name on her chest with a red permanent marker.

"I'm your biggest fan, Herringway!" squeaked Sushie. "Oh my God, please tell me you'll be performing at Lavalava Island soon!"

"Um…okay," said Herringway uncertainly. Sushie fainted again.

"Apparently, you're also a rock star," said Parakarry.

"Unfortunately, yes," said Herringway sadly. "Damn paparazzi. Anyway, what exactly am I busted for?"

"You killed Mayor Penguin!" said Kooper, accusingly pointing at the novelist.

"WHAT?!" yelled Herringway angrily. "I did NOT kill the mayor!"

"Uh-huh!" said Mario.

"Nuh-uh!" said Herringway.

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"That's quite enough of that!" roared Bow.

"I'm Mayor Penguin's best friend! We always used to egg houses and go on panty raids together!" cried Herringway. "I'd never kill my best buddy! I think it's time for ME to investigate…"

The writer jumped out his window, and Mario and co. looked down to see that he didn't hit the ground safely, and was lying limp on the snow in a puddle of blood.

"Oh, son of a bitch…" Bow muttered. "Not another murder to be accused of…"

"Let's just run like hell back to the mayor's house!" suggested Kooper. With no time taken, everyone agreed and did so.

Back at the mayor's house, the mayor's wife was still mourning over her husband, the mayor was still dead, and the ranger was still shoveling cookies into his mouth as he watched a tape from the mayor's porn collection of Goombella and Kooper getting it on. Mario and friends stormed into the house, and Kooper immediately froze when he saw what was on the TV.

"OH…OH MY GOD!" he screamed. "WHO IS THAT SLUT?! YOU ALL KNOW THAT BOMBETTE IS MY ONLY LOVE!"

"Actually, I'd prefer her being your love than me, even if I don't know who she is and is most likely a character from the sequel to this weird adventure," said Bombette. "Okay, people, we're back here to find out the culprit of this mystery once and for all!"

"How many times do I have to say that your Italian friend is the culprit?!" said the mayor's wife.

"About 250 more times or so," said Parakarry.

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"Thanks for wasting nearly 4 pages of material, lady," Parakarry grumled, turning to the ranger. "We know who did this to Mayor Penguin," he then said. "It was Herring—"

"Now, now, what's all the fuss over here?" said a voice from the back door. The ranger, Mayor Penguin's wife, Mario, and the partners all turned around and gasped repeatedly when they saw that the voice belonged to no one other than…MAYOR PENGUIN! DUN DUN DUUUUN!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!" the mayor's wife screamed. "MY HUSBAND IS A GHOST! MY HUSBAND IS A FREAKING GHOST!!"

Mayor Penguin just laughed. "No need to worry, dear," he said. "I'm not dead, and sure as heck ain't a ghost."

His wife hugged him tightly, and so did the ranger, for some very odd reason.

"So, Mr. Mayor, just what happened?" said Goombario.

"Well…Let's see…My memory's slightly fuzzy, but here's what happened…" began the mayor. "Okay, so you know that present over there in the back room?"

The partners and everyone else nodded.

"Well," the mayor continued, "It was a gift for my good friend Herringway. I was trying to put it on a shelf and attach the note that said 'Herringway' to it, but I lost balance on the crappy ladder and fell over, getting a fatal head fracture."

"But…if you really were dead, dear," said the wife, "how—"

"The power of video games, dear," said Mayor Penguin, "the power of video games." He patted his wife's back to comfort her.

Just then, Herringway surprisingly ran into the room. "MAYOR!" he cried. "YOU'RE OKAY AFTER ALL!"

"Heh, heh, I sure am, Herringway," said the mayor. "I just had a little accident when putting your _present _up on the shelf!"

"A present?...FOR ME!?" cried Herringway. "SQUEEEE!" He ran into the back room to find the gift.

"Herringway?!" said Kooper in disbelief. "I thought he died when he jumped out of—"

"The power of video games applies to EVERYONE, pal," said the mayor.

"Right…" said Kooper.

Another joyful squeal came from the other room, and Herringway came back out with…a Michael Koopson tickle doll. Mario realized the repellant had worn off, and he ran screaming like a little girl out the door of the mayor's house.

"I'm so very sorry for the trouble caused to you folks," the mayor kindly said to the partners. "You may now exit the city and find the last Star Spirit!"

Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Bow, Sushie, Watt, and Parakarry cheered victoriously and started to leave and look for Mario and Lakilester. Before they left, the mayor's wife said, "And I don't want you guys murdering any more people in my darling's city!"

"Don't worry, you've got street gangs for that!" said Bow as the seven partners went back out into the city.

"I was just kidding…" Mayor Penguin's wife angrily muttered.

---

**Shiver Snowfield**

After finding Mario in an outhouse and Lakilester in the gatekeeper's living room, the group continued through a small, frozen wasteland known as Shiver Snowfield. They hadn't trekked through much of it when a familiar face ran up to Mario…

"Who are you?" Mario asked Jr. Troopa.

…Huh? Mario, you idiot…

Mario said, "Oh. Right. Hey there, Jr. Troopa!"

"Hey there yourself, scumbag!" said Jr. Troopa. "I'm now back and more powerful and annoying than ever!"

"And how exactly is that? Who are you, anyway?" asked Lakilester.

Jr. Troopa glanced at the Lakitu's cloud license, which said "LAKILESTER".

"HA!" the young Koopa shouted triumphantly. "Lakilester?! What a terrible name!"

"The name is SPIKE!" cried Lakilester. "And Jr. Troopa isn't that much of a good name either."

"At least I actually use the name my momma gave me," said Jr. Troopa. "Mario! Now's about the time that I finally kick your ass!"

"Bring it, shorty," said Mario.

"**SHORTY!?**" screamed the persistent villain. "I'LL SHOW YOU!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 35 FP: 35

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Jr. Troopa HP: 50

"Okay, here comes!" Jr. Troopa said. He suddenly pulled a long magic staff out of nowhere…Ugh, not THAT magic staff, you pervert…

So like I said, he pulled out a staff and held it toward Mario. "I may have traded in my wings, my spike hat, my grenades, my guns, and everything else for this magical staff, but it'll do well against you. Bye-bye!"

Mario uses Mega Smash. Does 9 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage.

"Mmm…darn," said Jr. Troopa. "Take this!"

Jr. Troopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 7 damage to Mario.

"Ow, I admit you've gotten pretty strong…" said Mario, clutching his chest.

Mario uses another Mega Smash. Does 9 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 4 damage.

"Half of my HP gone…already?" whined Jr. Troopa. "Now you're in for it…"

Jr. Troopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 7 damage to Mario.

Mario uses yet another Mega Smash. Does 9 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.

"Ulp…oh no…" said Jr. Troopa, gasping for air.

Jr. Troopa uses Frantic Magical Projectile Attack. Does 7 damage to Mario and knocks out Watt for 3 turns.

Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 5 damage.

Sushie uses Belly Flop. Does 4 damage.

Jr. Troopa uses Frantic Magical Projectile Attack. Does 7 damage to Mario and knocks out Sushie for 3 turns.

"One more hit and you're done for!" cried Jr. Troopa. "You ready?!"

"Ready as I'll ever be," muttered Mario.

Mario uses Jump on Jr. Troopa. Does 4 damage.

"Well, this sucks," said Jr. Troopa before he fainted on the icy ground.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

It wasn't too long before the defeated Jr. Troopa frozed up in a case of ice, and the gang kept going through the snowfield. They were just about to reach Starborn Valley when a fat, black, glittering ghost appeared before them.

"AAAAAAH!" shouted Kooper. "It's the ghost of the Pillsbury Doughboy!"

"SHUT IT, YOU!" snarled the ghost. "I'M NOT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY! I AM MONSTAR, NOTORIOUS MONSTER OF SHIVER SNOWFIELD! YOU'RE DOOMED, FOOLS!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 35 FP: 35

Goombario

Lakilester

Sushie

Watt

Bow

Bombette

Kooper

Parakarry

VS.

Monstar HP: 20

Mario tickles Monstar's belly button. Monstar chuckles.

Parakarry tickles Monstar's belly button repeatedly with everyone else. Monstar chuckles so hard that he eventually explodes.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Parakarry laughed. "Not the Pillsbury Doughboy, huh?"

Mario and co. entered Starborn Valley and were immediately amazed by the beauty of the place. Star Kids were flying around everywhere and playing games, Ninjis were frantically running after them, glowing neon lights were attached to each and every building…It was breathtaking.

"This way, Mario," said a nearby magician who looked remarkably like Merlon, except his beard was more golden-yellow than white. The magician walked over to his house, unlocked all eighteen locks on the door, shut off the alarm, destroyed the Anti-Intrusion Auto-Laser Machine, and beckoned to Mario and co. to come inside. They did, and the man settled them down and got out some coffee.

"You may already be aware of this, Mario, but my name is Merle, son of Merlon, father of Merlow and Merluvlee, uncle of Merlee, descendant of Madame Merlar, second cousin of Merloopy, stepbrother of Mervin, half-nephew of Smokey Goombison—"

"We get it," interrupted Mario. "So you really are Merle?"

"The one and only, pal!" said Merle. "Alright, here's the info: Apparently, Kalmar the Star Spirit has been brought to the faraway Crystal Palace by followers of the villainous Crystal King. However, the only way to get there is by going through Shiver Mountain, and the only way to get to Shiver Mountain is to use this scarf and another item from Mayor Penguin to keep the snowmen warm."

YOU GOT THE FABULOUS SCARF!! PERFECT FOR KEEPING WARM IN THIS FREAKING FREEZING WEATHER!

"Keep the snowmen warm?" said Bow. "Couldn't we…like…you know…cuddle them or something?"

Mario did recall seeing a line of snowmen in front of a glacier on the way to Starborn Valley, with one missing a scarf and one missing a hat. He then knew what to do.

"Thanks for the scarf, Merle," said Mario as the group left the valley.

"No problem," said Merle. "Good luck, adventurers…Me, the Star Kids of this valley, and every person in the Mushroom Kingdom are counting on you…"

---

Shiver City

Mario and co. backtracked to Shiver City to find whatever it was they needed from Mayor Penguin. They knocked on his door, and his wife answered.

"AAAAAH! A MURDERER!" the wife screamed.

"Shut up, lady," grumbled Goombario.

"Hee hee hee, just kidding, folks," said the mayor's wife, waving her hand jokingly. "Aaaaanyway…What do you want?"

"We're here to ask Mayor Penguin about an item of his that can help us get to Shiver Mountain," said Bombette.

"Well, well, well!" said Mayor Penguin from behind his wife. "If it ain't Mario coming to ask for the Marvelous Bucket! I was just about to do my business in it when you knocked."

The mayor handed a regular blue bucket to Mario. "There you go," he said. "Good luck with the Crystal Palace, old Italian buddy."

YOU GOT THE MARVELOUS BUCKET!! PERFECT FOR USING WHEN THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS AROUND!

---

Shiver Snowfield

"Alright, I sure hope this works," said Lakilester, placing the recently-used Marvelous Bucket on one snowman's head as Sushie placed the Fabulous Scarf on the neck of another snowman.

All of a sudden, the snowmen came to life magically and started frantically and happily dancing around, almost leading Mario and co. to believe that they were on something.

"Please pass through here, with many thanks and blessings from the snowmen!" said the lead snowman. The glacier wall behind the line of friendly sculptures opened up like a door, and the nine adventurers calmly entered it.

---

Shiver Mountain

The crew progressed through Shiver Mountain, Ultra-ranking Parakarry along the way and using some of their clever tactics to overcome small puzzles, until they reached a large gap with a blue switch on the other side. Mario and Kooper knew immediately what to do. Kooper was kicked over to the switch's side, hit the switch with his shell, and an ice platform was created, leading to the other side. However, something was wrong. When Kooper slid right back over to Mario's side, there was another Kooper with him.

"What the?…Now I'm seeing double?!" said Parakarry in disbelief.

"Guys!" shouted the Kooper on the right. "Don't fall for that Kooper impostor! You know I'm the real deal!"

The Kooper on the left said, "No, I'M the real Kooper, you jerk!"

The two Koopers continuously argued, and Mario said, "Okay, Parakarry, break out the lie detector…"

The Kooper on the left then eventually said, "Oh, come on, Mario, you don't need a lie detector to prove that I'm the real Kooper. Also, tell Bombette that I think she's a fat ugly whore—Uh, I mean…"

"WHAT?!" said Goombario. "Kooper would NEVER say something like that about Bombette!" Goombario suspiciously headbonked the Kooper on the left, and it turned out to be a Duplighost impersonating Kooper.

"Ah, darn it…" moaned the Duplighost. "Okay, you ain't going any further, bubs!"

---

!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

Mario HP: 35 FP: 40

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Duplighost #1 HP: 15

Duplighost #2 HP: 15

Mario uses Jump on Duplighost #1. Does 6 damage.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on Duplighost #1. Does 6 damage.

Duplighost #1 swoops at Mario. Does 4 damage.

"Check it out!" said Duplighost #2.

Duplighost #2 clones himself as Goombario.

Mario hammers Duplighost #1. Does 6 damage. Duplighost #1 faints.

Bow uses Slap on "Goombario". Does 5 damage.

"Goombario" uses Headbonk on Mario. Does 6 damage.

Mario uses Jump on "Goombario". Does 6 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss on "Goombario". Does 5 damage. "Goombario" faints.

!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!

---

"Too easy," said Mario, dusting off his gloves.

The gang made their way up a staircase made entirely of ice, and noticed a staircase-shaped figure with a star-shaped slot carved into it. They were a bit confused by this, and Bombette blew up a crack in a nearby gigantic ice wall that she noticed.

The group followed the pink Bob-omb into a small, empty shrine. At first, the group seemed unable to do anything in it, then Parakarry surprisingly flew right through the wall. The gang curiously followed like Parakarry would follow Sushie's ass, and they came into a much larger room holding a star-shaped stone on a beautiful ice platform. Suddenly, the ghost of a beautiful female sorceress that looked similar to every other magician and sorceress the gang met materialized in midair. She wore lavender robes, and had long hair like Merluvlee's.

"_Oooooooooh…Greeeeeeetings, young ones…_" said the spirit. "_I am the lovely Madame Merlar, long-deceased ancestor of Merlon and the magician faaaaamily…Can I taaaake your oooorder?_"

"What?" said Parakarry, raising his eyebrow at the spirit's odd question.

"Well, I used to work at a fast-food restaurant when I was alive, and the habit has stuck with me ever since," said Merlar more casually. "Now, I repeat, _can I take your order?_"

Mario thought for a minute, then said, "One cheeseburger and a milkshake for each of us, and one Star Stone to go, please."

"Alright," said Merlar, "but first, I have the sudden urge to tell you a long, boring, pointless story about my past that doesn't really contribute to the plot at all. It all started one fateful day…Me and little Merlon were outside one day…when suddenly…out of nowhere…there…great flash of light…was…fascinating…then…of nowhere………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

TWO HOURS LATER...

"…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..finally…………………………………………………………………………………….amazing……………………………………………………………..and she was like, "Oh no you didn't!"……………………………………….and I was like, "Oh yes I did!"……………………and………………….like………………...—didn't!"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………--yes I did!"………………………………………………….and………………………………………….HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING, FAT MAN?!" Merlar suddenly yelled. Mario, quietly snoozing away by this point, suddenly popped his large nose bubble as he was scared awake by the dead sorceress.

"Um…sure! Sure I'm listening!" he said quickly, looking over at his sleeping partners. He woke them up, and Merlar finally took their orders. She rapidly tossed out 9 cheeseburgers and 9 milkshakes, and each of the adventurers caught one of each immediately. Finally, Merlar sizzled the star-shaped stone in a skillet for a while, then tossed the glowing stone to Mario. He caught the burning hot Star Stone in his hands, and he weakly thanked Merlar as his hands were charred by the extreme temperature of the item.

"That Star Stone right there will help you get to the Crystal Palace with no hassle. Go on! Make haste!" said Merlar. Mario and co. did so, thanking the helpful spirit on the way out of the shrine.

"What a helpful old woman," said Kooper.

"All the magicians are helpful in some way," said Parakarry. "That's why we like them so much, right?"

"Yeah," said Goombario. "That's probably why I've developed a bit of a crush on Merluvlee."

"Well, that's too bad, bub," said Mario. "Apparently, from what we've seen in Flower Fields, she's already taken."

"Yeah," said Goombario sadly.

"Now's not the time to talk about crushes, people," said Bow as she slid the Star Stone into the star-shaped slot of the staircase figure. Suddenly, the ice-made staircase increased in size and extended up greatly, leading to the entrance of Crystal Palace. Goombario did his low whistle, which is truly his trademark by now, and the group looked at the stairway to the palace in awe. After standing there stupidly with their jaws dropped for about ten minutes, the nine adventurers finally headed up, ready to kick some real butt and save one last weirdo.

---

**Crystal Palace**

After entering the Crystal Palace, Mario and co. looked surprisingly at their reflections in the mirror dividing the two parts of the entrance hallway.

Suddenly, the reflections began talking.

"DURRR HUR HUR HURRR!" said Goombario's reflection. "ME SOOOO STUPIIIIID!"

"I hate Bombette," said the reflection of Kooper. "What a fat, ugly, nagging ditz!"

"Oh, Kooper! How I love you so! Do you have the same loving feelings for me as I have for you?" said Bombette's reflection, on its knees and talking romantically to Kooper's reflection.

"Awesome! I haven't dropped any letters today!" said Parakarry's reflection. "And I still really hate Sushie a lot!"

"Hmm, I don't think I'm going to be hyper today," said Watt's reflection calmly.

"Oh, I feel so very young!" said the reflection of Sushie dramatically. "And I love Parakarry so much more than life its very self!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Behold, my evil new plan of certain DESTRUCTION!" said Lakilester's reflection evilly. "This is the greatest machine EVER invented by any living being! I'm so good at being a villain, it's almost scary! And stop calling me Spike, call me Lakilester!"

"…Interesting," said Goombario thoughtfully. "Apparently, our reflections in this place have the opposite personalities of all of us."

"Interesting indeed," said Mario thoughtfully as well.

The gang progressed through the palace, passing through several puzzles that clearly weren't worth mentioning because this chapter would get insanely long if done so. Eventually, the gang reached a crack in the wall, and Bombette knew what to do. She immediately bombed the crack, and after falling back down to earth after the explosion, Mario and co. noticed that there were 4 other Bombettes with her.

"What…?" said Bombette. "Who are you jerks? Why are you trying to look like me?!"

"What are you talking about:D" said the second Bombette. "I'm obviously the real Bombette:D"

1"y0u 4r3 411 l14r5!!!!111 1 4m 7074lly 7h3 r34l 80m83773!!!!!1111!!2" said the third Bombette.

2"Hélas, Mario, vous pouvez dire que je sois certainement le vrai Bombette, corriger?" said the fourth Bombette.

"?oiraM ,puS'" said the fifth and final Bombette.

"WHAT?" screamed Bombette. "I DON'T EVEN SPEAK FRENCH OR LEET! Mario, this is ridiculous! You're going to have to hammer all of the impostors!"

"Oh boy, Whack-a-Bombette!" said Bow joyfully.

"Yes. :D I agree completely. :D You should hammer every Bombette except the real one, Mario. :D Remember to leave me alone and hammer everyone else:D" said the second Bombette.

3"h4h4h4h4h4h4h4!!!11" said the third Bombette. "y0u ph00l5 4r3 4ll 480u7 70 637 7h3 cr4p 8347 0u7 0f y0u!!!!!!!111!!! bu7 1'll 83 ju57 f1n3 83c4u53 1 4m 7h3 r34l 80m83773!!!!1111!!!1"

4"C'est clair que je suis le seul Bombette, donc je suis confiant que je ne serai pas donné un grand coup à par votre marteau féroce, Mario!" said the fourth Bombette.

"!esle ro ,oiraM ,em tih erad uoy t'noD" said the fifth Bombette.

"I swear," said Bombette, "Mario, if you whack me, even by accident, I will never, EVER forgive you or any of the partners!"

Kooper gulped, but Mario just laughed.

"This is too easy," said Mario. First, he hammered the second Bombette. It turned back into an evil Duplighost, and the Duplighost said, "Well, this sucks. :D Catch you later, plumber boy:D" before running away.

Mario hammered the third Bombette. It turned into a nerdy-looking Duplighost, and he said, 5"d4mn!!!1 7h15 15 pr377y l4m3!!11!1!!" before leaving quickly.

Mario then hammered the fourth Bombette. It turned into a Duplighost wearing French clothes, and it said, 6"Repriser, ceci est une nullité. Je n'ai pas prévu que vous ayez su que j'étais imposteur!" before running away.

Finally, Mario hammered the fifth and final Bombette, and it turned back into an inside-out Duplighost that said, "!!toohS" before running off.

Finally, all the poorly disguised impostors were gone, and Bombette sighed with relief. "Thank goodness, Mario," she said. "If you whacked me with that stupid Ultra Hammer, I was going to bomb you and strip Kooper of his manhood the next time you guys slept!"

"Well, it's a pretty damn good thing we didn't hit you, right?" said Kooper romantically.

"Right, lover boy," said Bombette.

The gang kept progressing, and eventually reached a room that was larger than the others and had stone Clubba statues blocking the passage to the other side of the room on the room's opposite side. Mario walked up to one of the White Clubbas and told him to move.

"By the word of the honorable Crystal King, we will not let you pass, fools!" shouted the Clubba.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 35 FP: 40

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Lakilester

Watt

Bow

Parakarry

Sushie

VS.

White Clubba HP: 12

Gray Magikoopa HP: 11

Mario uses Jump on GRY Magikoopa. Does 6 damage.

Goombario uses Multibonk on White Clubba. Does 8 damage.

White Clubba uses Furious Club Attack on Mario. Does 6 damage total.

GRY Magikoopa uses Invisibility on itself. Is invisible for 3 turns.

Mario uses Jump on White Clubba. Does 6 damage. White Clubba faints.

Goombario does nothing.

GRY Magikoopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario and Goombario do nothing.

GRY Magikoopa uses Magical Shape Projectile attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario calls the Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters kick GRY Magikoopa's invisible ass. GRY Magikoopa instantly faints.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Mario noticed that when the White Clubba and the gray-cloaked Magikoopa were defeated, the Clubba statue directly across from them crumbled. Mario defeated the other two White Clubbas, and the gang went to the opposite side of the room and went across the now-clear path to the other room.

Later on, Mario and co. were almost to where Kalmar was being held, and they could disturbingly almost taste the seventh Star Spirit, since he was apparently so very close now. Mario and Kooper split up from the group for a while and went into a small room with a mirror to the side and a slot in front of the two adventurers. Mario eerily noticed that his reflection began kicking Kooper's reflection into the slot, so he did so with Kooper. The slot immediately exploded into a hole large enough for the whole group to enter through, and Kooper returned to Mario…with Kolorado, Luigi, Goompa, and Koopa Koot joining him.

"Whoa, awesome!" said Mario. "Some extra help!"

"Ugh, no, you idiot," said Goompa, turning into a Duplighost along with Koopa Koot, Luigi, and Kolorado. "We're only impostors, sheesh. You actually acted SO stupid at that point that you managed to MAKE us give ourselves away. I hope you're happy, you stupid fatty!" All the Duplighosts ran off, and Mario and co. shrugged, hurrying through the rest of the palace.

The group _finally _made it to the last room of the palace, a room full of short, stout, white dinosaurs with horns and pink eyelids.

"Hello," said the lead dinosaur. "We are the Albino Dinos of Crystal Palace. In order to reach the perch of the honorable Crystal King, you must solve our puzzle. In other words, we are now all going to stand on these panels spread around the room simultaneously to cause that door over there to lower for you. No need to solve a puzzle anymore, you lucky bastard…"

Indeed, the very same thing happened, and the Albino Dinos wished Mario and co. good luck as they left through the now-accessible door to refill their stats, save the game, and go through one final door leading to the big fight…

---

**Crystal Palace – Outside Area**

Mario and co. finally reached the large, snowy arena outside the palace, and they held their breath nervously as they noticed just how high in the air they were. Finally, after a few minutes, a royal robe, a pure-blue ice crown, and a pair of leering yellow eyes materialized before them.

"So…You have come for the final Star Spirit?..." said the illusion.

"We sure have, pal!" said Parakarry.

"Stuff it, you evil king!" shouted Lakilester. "Now…um…Let's fight!"

"With pleasure," said the Crystal King. "LET'S BOOGIE, BABYYYY!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 40 FP: 40

Bow

Sushie

Watt

Lakilester

Parakarry

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

VS.

Crystal King HP: 70

"Now…" said the Crystal King. "…NOW is the time I use my mad disco skills to neutralize you all! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"_What?_" said Bow.

"Watch this…heheheheheh…" whispered the devious king. There was suddenly a flash of white light, and the king was now in a white disco suit, still wearing his ice crown, but now with a pair of sunglasses on his eyes.

A crystal disco ball popped out of nowhere, and the whole arena became some kind of disco dance floor in those very few seconds.

"Behold!" said the Crystal King. "I am…The Villainous…CRYSTAL BALL KING!!!"

"Oh, this is gonna be great…" said Mario sarcastically.

Mario hammers Crystal Ball King. Does 4 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 3 damage.

Crystal Ball King uses Breakdance attack. Does 6 damage to Mario.

"Shoot, this guy is pretty strong…" mumbled Mario.

"You bet I am!" said the Crystal Ball King. "Gimme your best shot, fools!"

Mario uses Mega Smash on Crystal Ball King. Does 8 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Crystal Ball King. Does 2 damage.

Crystal Ball King creates 3 Crystal Dance Fiend Bits.

Crystal Dance Fiend Bits HP: 1 each

Mario uses Mega Jump on Crystal Ball King. Does 8 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Surge on all enemies. Destroys all 3 Crystal Dance Fiend Bits and does 1 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Crystal Ball King drops the disco ball on Mario and Lakilester. Does 6 damage to Mario and knocks out Lakilester for 3 turns.

"Ha! How do you like them dance moves?!" said the Crystal Ball King.

Mario uses Jump on Crystal Ball King. Does 2 damage.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot on Crystal Ball King. Does 4 damage.

Crystal Ball King creates 3 more Crystal Dance Fiend Bits.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Crystal Ball King. Does 8 damage.

Sushie uses Tidal Wave on all enemies. Destroys all 3 Crystal Dance Fiend Bits and does an astonishing 10 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Crystal Ball King heals 20 of his HP, makes 2 illusions of himself, and uses Super Breakdance all at once. Does 8 damage to Mario and knocks out Sushie for 3 turns.

Mario uses Shooting Star on all enemies. Crystal Ball King clones are destroyed. 6 damage is done to Crystal Ball King.

Bombette uses Bomb on Crystal Ball King. Does 5 damage.

Crystal King uses Breakdance. Does 6 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Mega Smash. Does 8 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Bombette uses Body Slam. Does 3 damage to Crystal Ball King.

Crystal Ball King heals 20 of his HP.

"Ugh, this battle will take way too long…" mumbled Mario.

Mario walks up to Crystal Ball King and shows him a 1997 calendar.

"You see this?" said Mario, pointing to the calendar. "The '70s are DEAD. OVER. GONE."

The Crystal Ball King looked sadly at the calendar, whimpered for a moment, and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Crystal Ball King explodes. Does 50 damage to self.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Oh dear…the last Star Spirit! Oh, Lord Bowser, forgiiiive meeeeeee!!!..." cried the evil king as he spun around one final time and vanished.

Mario and co. noticed the playing card containing Kalmar floating down to Mario. Our heroic plumber caught it. Thank goodness this is the last time I have to describe this damned flashy sequence. Oh, wait a minute—**_END OF CHAPTER!!!_**

---

**Peach's Castle**

"Well, it's a good thing I won't have to be playable in this sequence," said Peach, resting with Twink in her bedroom. "I'm way too tired to be a sneaky ditz at the moment."

"Oh, Peeeeach! Your cuddly yet spiky old Bowser is here!" yelled Bowser happily as he stomped into the princess' room.

Peach immediately got up and walked over to the nefarious Koopa king. "Mario is coming, Bowser, and you can't stop him! He'll be here to beat your fat ass and save us all in no time!"

"Heh heh, quite the contrary, my sneaky little princess!" said Bowser, still sounding very joyful.

"What are you talking about?!" said Peach fearfully. "With the power of all the Star Spirits, there's nothing you could possibly do to him! You're done for, you beast!"

"Knock knock," said Bowser.

"Uh…who's there?" said Peach uncertainly.

"Andy."

"Andy who?"

"…Andy just struck out! Hahahahaa!"

"Okay, what in the name of hell was that all about?" said Peach, tilting her head to the side.

"Nothin', really," said Bowser. "I just thought this part was getting too serious, so I made a joke."

"…Okay…" said Peach.

Kammy Koopa then walked into the room. "Uh…Uh…Uh…" she stuttered.

"Spit it out, Kammy!" roared Bowser.

"…Uh, Your Angriness…Mario has just…just rescued the final Star Spirit," she said, hanging her head in total shame.

"WHAT?!!!?" cried the terrible king. He then grabbed an intercom, and said, "OKAY, FOLKS, MARIO IS GONNA BE ON HIS WAY HERE ANY MINUTE NOW! GET TO YOUR BATTLE POSITIONS AT ONCE! NO GOOFING OFF, OR THERE'S GOING TO BE HELL TO PAY!!"

The announcement rang throughout both Bowser's and Peach's castle's loudly, and every single troop in the area prepared to take Mario down. Back in Peach's room, Bowser ordered Michael the Koopatrol and that one Koopatrol from the quiz show to tie Princess Peach up with ropes.

"Oh, you big, evil…Kamek!—"

"KOOPA!" Bowser shouted. "It's 'you big, evil _Koopa_', not 'you big, evil Kamek'. God damn…TROOPS! TAKE THIS TROUBLEMAKER TO HER PRIVATE QUARTERS!"

Twink suddenly flew out of his hiding spot. "You big, evil KOOPA!" he shouted at Bowser. "Show some respect to the princess, you brute!"

"What on earth is this little glittering thing? Confetti?" said Bowser, looking oddly at Twink. "I _LOVE _CONFETTI!" he shouted, grabbing Twink and eating him.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" shrieked the princess.

"…Okay, Little Miss Darth Vader," said Bowser, "it's about time YOU show some respect to ME! See you in your private quarters, darling!"

Peach silently threw a Mario-style tantrum, mourning the loss of Twink and fearing the wrath of Bowser as Michael dragged her to her private quarters.

---

**Shiver Mountain**

"My name is Kalmar, Mario," said Kalmar the Star Spirit as the group left Crystal Palace. "Thank you so very much, you heroic fatass."

"Uh…no problem," said Mario.

"We forever thank all nine of you from the bottom of our hearts," said the mustached spirit, turning to all nine adventurers and actually giving a hint of a smile to them. "I never could have escaped the grasp of that fiendish disco lover without all of your help. We are all truly impressed by your bravery, and you'll all surely go down in Mushroom Kingdom history."

Kalmar taught Mario the "Up & Away" Star Power, and ascended to Star Haven, telling Mario and co. that the Star Spirits would be waiting back at Shooting Star Summit. Mario and the other eight adventurers immediately headed back to Shiver City, took a pipe back to Toad Town Tunnels, and returned to Toad Town. There wasn't much of this goofy quest left to go now, and it was sunset by the time Mario and friends returned to Toad Town. They all took deep breaths and got ready to head for Shooting Star Summit.

Knock-knock.

(Who's there?)

Boo.

(Boo who?)

Don't cry, it's just a joke!

Um…Yeah, I just did that because the moment was a little too serious.

---

**A/N: **Mario and co. now have only one final place to go on their journey, and the trek won't be easy in the slightest way. Mario, Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Bow, Parakarry, Sushie, Watt, and Lakilester will have to put all their skills to the test in order to brave Bowser's Castle and put a stop to the bonehead once and for all.

Stay tuned…The finale is coming soon…

Bananaboomboombamabamclickcluckboppitybam! Heh heh, yeah, another time I had to lighten the serious mood. : Read and review, folks!

1: You are all liars! I am totally the real Bombette!

2: Alas, Mario, you can see that I am the real Bombette, correct?

3: Hahahahahahaha!!! You fools are all about to get the crap beat out of you! But I'll be just fine, because I am the real Bombette!

4: It is clear that I am the real Bombette, therefore I am confident that I will not be hit by your fierce hammer, Mario!

5: Damn! This is pretty lame!

6: Man, this is stupid! I didn't expect you to know I was an impostor! (or something along the lines of that.


	10. Chap 8: A Stooge Powered Showdown!

**A/N: **Will Mario and co. stop slacking off and get to Shooting Star Summit already? How will they get to Bowser's Castle, for that matter? Will they ever actually defeat the brute and save the kingdom and the world? Is Twink somehow still alive? Does Lakilester still suck at being evil and remembering the script? Are the Star Spirits truly weirdoes? What's up with Milfred and Michael? All these pressuring questions and more will finally be answered in the following pages…Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…The finale to PAPER MARIO: RAW AND UNCUT!! Fish paste.

---

**Chapter 8: A Stooge-Powered Showdown!**

Mario and co. stopped slacking off and headed for Shooting Star Summit immediately. They'll probably get to Bowser's Castle in some kind of boat thingy that flies. Yeah, they'll probably defeat the big brute and save the world, but I can't guarantee it. Twink is still alive, unfortunately, for all you Twink-haters out there. Lakilester sure does still suck at being villainous and remembering the script. The Star Spirits are weirdoes, no question about that. Milfred has a one-sided romance with Michael the Koopatrol, which is somehow obvious. The answers to any other pressuring questions go here.

Okay, now that that's out of the way…

---

Shooting Star Summit 

Mario and friends were now at the top of Shooting Star Summit, and the holograms of Eldstar, Skolar, Misstar, and Kalmar appeared before them.

"HOLOGRAMS!?" cried Mario. "I THOUGHT WE SAVED THEM ALL!"

"No need to worry, tubby," said Misstar. "We're waiting up in Star Haven. Here's a portal to get there, but the pathway to the haven is, predictably, filled with enemies. Oh well, good luck!" A beautiful blue spiral-shaped portal opened in the center of the summit's top, and the adventurers all reluctantly walked into it.

---

Star Way 

Our heroes were patiently getting through Star Way without much trouble and were nearing Star Haven when a Blue Ember popped up out of nowhere and ambushed them.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 45 FP: 40 

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Watt

Parakarry

Bow

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Blue Ember HP: 10

"Ha, too easy," said Sushie in an almost carefree way. "Watch this, guys."

Sushie uses Squirt on Blue Ember. Does 7 damage.

Mario hammers Blue Ember. Does 6 damage. Blue Ember faints.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Wow, that really was too easy," said Goombario.

Our heroes kept on walking to Star Haven…Yes, I still enjoy putting dots at the end of sentences…

---

Star Haven 

Mario and friends entered the sacred haven of the stars and gasped in awe at what they saw. The whole place was wonderful, moonlit, and luxurious. Even Bow was jealous of how the Star Spirits' crib was so much better than hers was.

The gang bought some more items, refilled their stats, saved the game—er—_recorded their point in the adventure_, and slowly entered the amazing Star Sanctuary, a…well…sanctuary that was surrounded by a moat of cool, glistening water, spewing fountains, and had a bridge that led to the entrance. Heck, even the door to the sanctuary looked beautiful.

"Good evening, Mario and friends," said Eldstar as the heroes entered. "We have been expecting you."

The rest of the spirits made annoying "Oooooooooooo" sounds as their leader spoke, and they were all perched atop their pedestals in the sanctuary's huge inside room.

"Don't you guys know we have names?!" said Bombette in annoyance.

"Yeah man it's pretty inconsiderate how you know that Mario has a name and yet you don't know our names that's not fair no not at all!!" said Watt.

Eldstar looked at Watt for a long time. "Holy shit!" he finally said, amazed. "You common folk have names?! I never knew that! So sorry!"

"LET ME AT HIM!" yelled Sushie, trying to lunge for Eldstar as Parakarry frantically held her back.

"So, you got our ride to Bowser's Castle ready?" Lakilester asked Mamar.

"Of course we have the ride ready…uh…" Mamar said.

"Spike. The name is Spike," said Lakilester.

"…Spike!" Mamar finished.

"Yes, you'll be going to the great fiend's castle in some dinky little flying blue boat with a neat little star logo on the front," said Misstar happily. "Sound exciting?"

"Yeah," said Kooper, "but not as exciting as getting a piggyback ride from you to the castle—"

"—ANYWAY!" boomed Skolar, before Misstar could realize what Kooper was talking about and before Muskular could strangle the Koopa for what he said, "The Star Ship will be here in a minute."

"The _Star Ship_?" said Parakarry in mock amazement. "Now we're stealing something from Star Trek? You're kidding me! First we stole the Star Rod from the Kirby games, then the Water Stone from Pokémon, and now—"

"Speaking of the Star Rod," interrupted Klevar, "Bowser is still up to absolutely no good with it. You MUST retrieve that mighty glowing thingy along with the princess and her castle! We're counting on you all!"

"Yeah!" Muskular said as the little blue Star Ship flew down to the sanctuary through the open roof. "You go up to Bowser's Castle and show that evil dude what heroism and ass-kicking are all about!"

As the partners all tried getting into the Star Ship that conveniently seemed to only fit two to four people, Kalmar quietly said, "Good luck, you guys. And I still wish I had more speaking roles…"

"Kalmar, stuff it, you little whiner," said Eldstar angrily. The old spirit then turned to Mario and co. and smiled. "Indeed, good luck to all of you folks. The fate of the entire earth depends on you. Oh, and there is one last thing we almost forgot about!"

The Star Spirits all joined together in a circle around the Star Ship and the adventurers, then started doing some really strange and creepy rendition of the Hokey-Pokey. They all stopped after a while, and all their power was transferred to Mario.

"Behold: You now have the power of the Star Beam, Mario!" said Eldstar joyfully. "With the Star Beam, Bowser's use of the Star Rod for invincibility will be completely useless! Don't let us down!"

The heroes started the Star Ship for takeoff after Goombario figured out the complex button layout on the "ship's" dashboard, and as they left, the spirits all cried out, "MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!!"

The partners all turned back and waved while the Star Ship sped into the deep reaches of space.

"…What the _fuck _did they just say?" said Mario.

---

**The Sky**

The Star Ship was amazingly fast, and our heroes were now seemingly a blur going through the sky at a remarkable speed.

Meanwhile, down in the Mushroom Kingdom in the early hours of the evening, citizens all around saw the flying ship, stupidly thinking it was a shooting star, and began to pray.

"We wish…we wish that the almighty person—er—Mario would make us his high priests, and we also wish Goombario the very best…" said everybody in Goombario's family down in Goomba Village except for Goompa, who simply stared at the blur in the sky and gave a goofy smile.

"I wish…I wish I would be known as the jolliest and greatest explorer in all the land, and that my good friend Kooper is doing a smashing job…" said Kolorado in Koopa Village, kneeling down in his house as his wife stared at him like he was mentally deranged.

"I wish…I wish that SuperLemonMan would write a new Paper Mario lemon fanfic…" Moustafa prayed quietly over in Dry Dry Outpost.

"We wish…we wish that Bow would stop being so careless and show her butler some respect, and that she's okay," the Boos in Gusty Gulch and Boo Mansion prayed in unison.

"I wish…I wish I was taller…" General Guy prayed over in Shy Guys' Toy Box. "Oh, and the Shy Guys wish they could take peoples' crap away again and Gourmet Guy wishes he could have a really large cake orgasm right now, too…"

"We wish…we wish the kids would stop being so mischievous and stay where they're supposed to, and that Sushie is doing fine," the Yoshi parents of Lavalava Island wished.

"We wish…we wish that our groovy land could still be tubular without worrying about Bowser, and that Lakilester returns home safely…" prayed Wise Wisterdude for the whole of Flower Fields.

"I wish…I wish that the mayor would die so I could inherit his porn collection…" prayed the Shiver City ranger, while everyone else in the Shiver Region, including Merle and the Ninjis, wished that the Star Kids could live in happiness and rise back up into the sky again, and Mario would accomplish his mission.

Back in Toad Town, the Toads wished for small, miscellaneous things, and Merlon thought to himself, "It all comes down to this, huh? Well, I know Mario and co. can do it…We're counting on them…Go and defeat Bowser!"

"I wish…I wish people would stop wishing and let us get on with the chapter," wished Bombette back up in the sky as the Star Ship began slowing down near Bowser's fierce-looking castle high in the heavens.

---

**Bowser's Castle**

The heroes all popped out of the highly crowded Star Ship, and looked in awe at the entrance to the Koopa King's castle, which was shaped like Bowser's gaping mouth, while the ship departed back to Star Sanctuary.

"You know, I'm wondering…" said Sushie. "How in the world could we not just have the Star Ship drop us off at Peach's Castle?"

"Damn developers!" snapped Bow. "They ALWAYS have to make everything so hard…"

"Agreed agreed agreed TOTALLY AGREED!!!" shrieked Watt.

"Well, no need to complain now," said Mario, walking into the intimidating entrance to the castle. "Let's get this stupid adventure over with already! Think about it, guys, it's ALMOST OVER! Tell you all what: After defeating Bowser, we'll go to Podley's for drinks. And the drinks are all on me, guys!"

"But me and Watt are underage!" said Goombario.

"Does it _look_ like I care about you, Goombario?" said Mario carelessly.

"…No…" said Goombario sadly, entering Bowser's Castle with everyone else.

However, after entering one door, Mario and co. noticed the actual entrance to the inside of the castle was locked, and Mario angrily stomped over to the opening on the right side of the castle's outside entrance.

After this, the group was now in a long room full of lava, randomly placed platforms, and prisoners behind bars.

"MARIO! MARIO!" cried the prisoners, dropping to the ground. "WEEEE AAAARE NOOOT WOOORTHY!"

"Oh, SHUT UP!" yelled Mario in annoyance as two Koopatrol guards ran over to the heroic fat plumber and the partners.

"Hmm…Great, Mario's here already?" said one guard in disbelief.

"Apparently," said the other guard.

"Let's fight, you fiends!" cried Goombario, jumping towards the guards.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 45 FP: 40

Watt

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Sushie

Lakilester

Bow

VS.

Koopatrols HP: 8 each

Mario jumps on Koopatrol #1. Flips Koopatrol #1 over and does 3 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Koopatrol #1. Does 6 damage. Koopatrol #1 faints.

Koopatrol #2 charges attack power by 6.

Mario hammers Koopatrol #2. Does 3 damage.

Sushie uses Squirt. Does 4 damage.

Koopatrol uses Ultra Shell Attack. Does 10 damage to Mario.

"HOLY SHIT!" cried Mario.

"Yeah, I know, I'm tough, oh yeah, uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" said the Koopatrol, dancing around repeatedly.

Mario hammers Koopatrol #2. Does 3 damage. Koopatrol #2 faints.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

The guards accidentally rolled over into the lava lining the path in the long room, and a key was dropped. Mario picked it up.

**YOU GOT THE CASTLE KEY! OPEN SOME DOOR IN THE CASTLE! WHICH DOOR, I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!**

Mario used the key to open the castle's front door, and the gang went through a few rooms until they entered a small one made entirely of stone. This room also contained three stone blocks against the wall with Bowser's face on them, and a large stone door shaped like Bowser's face.

"Sheesh, Bowser is a really vain guy," said Goombario, rolling his eyes.

"Tell me about it," said every other partner.

Suddenly, the Bowser door said, "Hey, hey, folks, what's goin' on in here?!" Every one of the adventurers jumped at this statement, and Mario turned over to the door after picking his nose.

"Wha?…" the plumber said in confusion.

"Hmmm…It's Mario. Eh, I suppose you can go through, because this certainly isn't a trap that will lead you all the way to the bottom of this castle and cause you to have to come back all the way up here," said the Bowser door. "By the way…"

A large trapdoor opened under the heroes, and every one of them fell down a hole into a prison full of Toads and other citizens that were trapped in the castle when it was lifted up.

"You and your stupid urges, Mario!" shouted Kooper angrily.

"I DIDN'T EVEN **_DO_** ANYTHING!" cried Mario, startling the prisoners out of their depression.

"Gah hah hah haaaah!" laughed the Bowser door from far back up in the previous room. "How pathetic! Every single one of you actually FELL for that? Sad. Well, enjoy spending the rest of your lives crying and throwing violent tantrums that couldn't possibly break the walls of that prison cell, no matter how strong they are! But please, don't…You know…Don't blow up the wall with…Well…You know, a…A Bob-omb or somethin' like that…"

"Oh dear!" cried Bow. "What're we gonna do to get ourselves out of THIS mess?!"

Bombette rolled her eyes, walked up to the jail cell wall with her fuse lit, and blew it up. Surely enough, the wall crumbled like a delicious cookie, and the partners began leaving the cell in a single-file line.

"These walls are far too easy to blow up," bragged Bombette. "They're practically made of clay, and they're much weaker than the walls in Koopa Bros. Fortress."

"Reminds me of the incident at Koopa Bros. Fortress," said Goombario.

"No, really!?" said Kooper sarcastically as he left with the smart young chocolate chip—uh—Goomba.

"Good luck, Mario!" said one of the elder Toads in the jail cell after Mario refilled his stats with a conveniently placed Heart Block.

Mario turned to see who said it. "_Toadsworth?_" he said in disbelief.

"Shhhhh!" said Toadsworth fiercely.

"What's wrong?" asked Mario in confusion. "Are there, like, secret hidden cameras around here or something? Oh god, please tell me we're on the Jamie Koopkennedy Experience! I love that show!"

"No, that's not it!" snarled Toadsworth.

"Then what?" said Mario.

"Just remember: Toadsworth doesn't exist until Super Mario Sunshine, okay?! I'm just the "minister" for now!" Toadsworth said hurriedly. "Now go!"

"_Super Mario Sunshine?_" Mario said oddly. "What a terrible name for a game starring me! What is Nintendo thinking?"

"GO!" yelled the old caretaker.

"Okay, okay," grumbled Mario, leaving the jail cell.

The partners all put their wits and skills together to get through various challenges in the castle, and they eventually reached a room with a staircase leading to a large platform with a slope of lava flowing from the side. On the platform were three Koopatrols and a blue-cloaked Magikoopa, apparently standing in a circle to hide something.

"Gee, I sure hope Mario doesn't come around here and find out about the switch we're hiding!!" said one Koopatrol out loud, which turned out to be that one Koopatrol from the quiz show.

"Shut up, idiot!" yelled the Magikoopa. "He could be in here right now!"

"AND FURTHERMORE," that one Koopatrol almost yelled, "I SERIOUSLY HOPE HE DOESN'T FIND OUT THAT THIS SWITCH IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CIRCLE IS WHAT CONTROLS THE LAVA FLOW, WHICH WOULD STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS COMPLETELY AS LONG AS IT'S NOT SHUT OFF!!!"

"You…IDIOT!" cried the Magikoopa, noticing Mario and co. "HE'S RIGHT THERE! LET'S GET HIM!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 45 FP: 40

Bombette

Kooper

Goombario

Bow

Watt

Lakilester

Sushie

Parakarry

VS.

Koopatrols HP: 8 each

Magikoopa HP: 11

"Watch out for that Magikoopa, Mario!" said Goombario. "Unlike the other ones, he knows every magic spell in the book!"

"You mean this book?" said Kooper, pulling an old, dusty book out of his shell that had "THE BOOK" printed on the front in large font.

"…Where did you get that?" asked Goombario suspiciously.

"Nowhere," said Kooper, quickly hiding the book behind his back.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Magikoopa. Does 10 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk on Magikoopa. Does 6 damage.

"I should have thought as much…" mumbled the Magikoopa before he fainted.

All 3 Koopatrols use Shell Attack on Mario. Does 12 damage total.

Mario uses Star Storm on all enemies. Does 7 damage to all 3 Koopatrols.

Kooper uses Fire Shell on all enemies. Does 3 damage to all 3 Koopatrols. All 3 Koopatrols faint.

But wait, what's this? Oh boy, that one Koopatrol has a Life Shroom!

That One Koopatrol's health is fully replenished!

"Oh, wonderful," groaned Mario.

Mario uses Up & Away on That One Koopatrol. Works successfully, and That One Koopatrol is turned into a harmless star.

"Hahahahahaha! Oh man, that is so pathetic…" said Bombette through tears of laughter.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Mario and co. knocked the remaining bodies of the enemies into the flowing lava, then hit the Blue Switch that was being guarded. The lava immediately quit flowing, and it eventually hardened into cool, harmless magma.

"Sweet!" said Goombario.

"Neat!" said Kooper.

"Wonderful!" said Bow and Bombette.

"Absolutely splendid!" said Sushie.

"Oh boy oh boy this rocks oh boy! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOOOOOOOOOY YEEEEAHHH!" cried Watt.

"Kickass!" yelled Lakilester and Parakarry.

"Man, I'm telling you, man," said Lakilester, patting Mario on the back, "Man, I learn something new every day from you, man!"

"Like how I taught you that 1 times 1 equals 1 yesterday?" said Mario.

"Exactly," said Lakilester as he smiled.

"Well then, no more monkeying around, people," said Parakarry firmly. "Let's go."

And…they did!

After getting through one final enormous cavern shrouded in darkness and filled with enemies with a lot of help from Parakarry and Watt, the gang ended up back at the room with the cunning Bowser door.

The door was still laughing very hard when they came back in. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Wait, what the…?!" the door said as the nine adventurers came right back in the room. "Oh…this sucks! I wish I could throw a tantrum, but…I'm only a door. You can go through, I suppose…But don't think I'll forget this!"

"On the contrary," said Parakarry as both him and Sushie took out those glowing red thingies from Men in Black and pressed a button on each. There was a flash of light directed towards the door's eyes.

The door then said, "…Huh? Who am I? Where am I? What am I?"

"Your name is Tutu, you're in a hot dog-eating festival, and you're a tap-dancing wiener dog," said Mario as he went through the door with the partners.

"Oh, that's a relief to know! Thanks!" said the door kindly as it closed.

Several more un-description-worthy puzzles were braved by our heroes, and soon they could swear that they were so close to Bowser, they could almost taste his sweat, which is kinda…okay, REALLY freaking disturbing.

Mario and co. soon entered yet another small room with a Bowser door leading to the next area, and the door started cackling menacingly.

"Okay, punks, the only way you're getting through this door is by passing an impossible memory quiz…Which is very impossible to pass, by the way!" said the door.

"Impossible? I don't like the sound of this…" said Lakilester with a hint of fear in his voice.

"You better not!" said the door. "Now…QUESTION 1!"

Mario took a deep breath, and the partners either crossed their fingers, fins, or just closed their eyes tightly.

"…Which item made Mario victorious in his first battle against Jr. Troopa?" the door asked firmly.

Mario gulped, unable to say the name of it for a moment, then reluctantly said, "…A Michael Koopson tickle doll."

"DRAT! THAT'S CORRECT!" yelled the door. "Okay, QUESTION 2!...How long has Kooper been a fan of adventurous people like Kolorado?!"

"Heh, I get it now," said Mario in a more confident tone. "This is a recap quiz. One question for every chapter, right? Anyway, he's been a fan of adventurous people ever since he was a tiny, undeveloped fetus squirming around in his mom's—"

"CORRECT, CORRECT, CORRECT!" cried the door. "Don't even finish that sentence. You're just correct, okay? QUESTION 3!...Which character was in the lemon fanfic given to Moustafa, huh?!"

"I can't remember…" said Mario, racking his brain for the answer.

"I do, even if I still don't know who the hell she is," said Bombette. "Vivian!"

"SHOOT, CORRECT _AGAIN?!_" yelled the door as it got angrier and angrier. "Okay, I'll stop yelling so much, because I'm getting a bit of a sore throat…Ahem…QUESTION 4!...What song was Tubba Blubba singing while in his sleep?!"

"Um…" began Mario.

"'_Mr. Sandman_' by The Chordettes!" yelled Kooper.

"…Correct," grumbled the Bowser door. "QUESTION 5!...Which partner was held captive by Big Lantern Ghost?!"

"MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" cried Watt.

"Right," the Bowser door said after groaning heavily. "QUESTION 6!...What substance was used to get you all to the entrance to Mt. Lavalava?!"

"'Fish food!'" squeaked Sushie.

"CORRECT! DARN IT!" yelled the door. "QUESTION 7!...Lakilester sucks ass at what?!"

"Being a villain and remembering…um…the script," mumbled Lakilester. "And call me Spike, for heaven's sake!"

"…CORRECT!" said the Bowser door. "QUESTION 8!...Besides being a well-known novelist, Herringway is also…WHAT?!"

"A famous rock star!" said Bow.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT! YOU'RE GETTING ALL THE QUESTIONS RIGHT! DARN IT!!...QUESTION 9!...Where are you right now?!"

"Too easy," said Parakarry, rolling his eyes. "Bowser's Castle."

"WRONG!...I mean...CORRECT!" the door bellowed. "UGH, THIS IS **_UNBELIEVABLE!!!!_** How could you get these mind-numbing questions all correct!? Okay…okay…nevermind. From here on, the old rules of the quiz do not apply. You MUST answer this question correctly, or you'll face a fiery doom!...QUESTION 10!..._What color underwear am I wearing?!_"

Everybody gulped loudly, because none of them had any idea what the answer to this question was. The door laughed and started to gloat about how the heroes would meet their fiery fate anytime soon as Goombario quietly snuck to the door's side and noticed a pink thong poking out of a corner of the door.

The intelligent young Goomba ran back to the crowd of partners, and interrupted the door by yelling, "PINK!!!"

"Uh…" said the door, completely dumbfounded as to how Goombario could have answered the question correctly, and the door suddenly crumbled apart. In the door's place stood Michael the Koopatrol and Milfred the Hammer Bros. with his pink thong strapped on outside of his shell.

"DRAT!" yelled Milfred. "You, like, totally got the question right, boyfriend! But, like, how?!" He angrily did his feminine hand wave.

Everyone tilted their heads to the side, looking strangely at Milfred.

"I'm Milfred the Hammer Bros., boyfriends and girlfriends!" said Milfred, placing his hand on Michael's back. "And this is my, like, 'friend', Michael! We've ran into Princess Peach a couple of times, but, like, you don't need to worry about her! She's totally safe with King Bowser now!"

Everybody gasped at the news of where Peach was, despite it being quite obvious. Then, the partners and Mario all began screaming after realizing that they heard Michael's name.

Kooper rapidly ran over to Michael and removed his helmet, revealing the Koopatrol's true face—A pure white Koopa face with a fake plastic beak and long black hair.

"EEEEEEEEEEE!!" screamed Michael in a more high-pitched tone than before. "I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT!"

"I don't believe it!" cried Goombario. "Michael the Koopatrol has been Michael Koopson throughout the whole story!?"

"That's right," snarled Milfred, "and we're NEVER going to let you pass and get to King Bowser!! Get him, Mikey, and then we'll celebrate later…If you know what I mean, tee hee…"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 50 FP: 45

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Bow

Watt

Lakilester

Parakarry

Sushie

VS.

Michael Koopson HP: 20

Milfred HP: 20

"Get ready!" shouted Michael.

"Your days of sneaking up on little boys and hitting on male friends are over, you fiends!" said Mario.

"Ugh, I gave up on that little kid stuff years ago, people! Honest!" whined Michael. "I'm even planning a kickass comeback and a new album! You guys gotta trust me! Let's forget this stupid fight! After seeing how badly Bowser treats people, I'm actually SUPPORTING you guys saving the world!"

"We're not falling for your crap," snapped Bombette. "Let's get 'em!"

"RIGHT!" said all the heroes.

Mario jumps on Milfred. Does 4 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss on Michael Koopson. Does 2 damage.

Milfred uses Hammer Throw on Mario. Does 2 damage.

Michael uses Shell Attack on Kooper. Knocks out Kooper for 3 turns.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Michael. Does 7 damage.

Sushie uses Squirt on Michael. Does 3 damage.

Michael charges his attack power by 6.

Milfred uses Multi-Hammer Throw on Mario. Does 5 damage and shrinks Mario, cutting his attack power down by 2.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Michael. Does 5 damage.

Bombette uses Body Slam on Michael. Does 2 damage.

Michael uses Ultra Shell Attack. Does 10 damage to Mario and knocks out Bombette for 4 turns.

Milfred uses Hammer Throw. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Mario hammers Milfred. Does a whopping 3 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss on Michael. Does 1 damage.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Michael.

"MIIIIIIKEEEEEEY!" screamed Milfred, on the verge of tears. He ran over to Michael's unconscious body, embraced him tightly, and gave him a mindblowing kiss on the lips.

"Okay, what the hell's going on here?..." muttered Parakarry.

"I don't know. Just finish the fight, darling!" yelled Sushie. "Uh…I mean…"

Parakarry smirked at her, his eyes turning into hearts.

"Oh, shut up!" yelled Sushie, turning around and folding her fins angrily.

Mario jumps on Milfred. Does 4 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss on Milfred. Does 3 damage.

Milfred uses Multi-Hammer Throw. Does 5 damage to Mario and shrinks him, cutting his attack power down by 2.

Mario hammers Milfred. Does 3 damage.

Goombario uses Charge. Attack power is charged by 2.

"Hehehehehe, watch this!" said Milfred, chuckling and waving his hand.

Milfred strikes several sexy poses. The whole party is immobilized for 4 turns, and Mario's attack power is cut down by another 2 points.

"Oh, no!" cried Mario. "What am I going to do now?!! He's almost invincible now!"

Mario uses a POW Block. Does 2 damage to Milfred and flips him over.

"WHAT?!" yelled Milfred. "I thought Hammer Bros. couldn't be flipped over!"

"Well, I guess certain items work to my content in the most drastic situations," said Mario.

"Oh," said Milfred, still struggling around on his back.

Mario hammers Milfred. Does 2 damage.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the villainous Hammer Bros., falling to the ground unconscious.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Mario and co. walked out of the room, leaving the two quirky, evil, unconscious troops behind on the ground.

After a few more big puzzles were solved by Mario and co., the heroes all came to one final puzzle room, involving a loop maze that defied the laws of the space-time continuum. After screwing up the maze repeatedly, Mario got really angry and threw one of his strongest tantrums: the I Can't Believe This Puzzle Is Taking So Long So I'm Going To End It Now Tantrum! After running around and tearing the set up, Mario and co. were finally satisfied when a doorway to the next area popped up out of nowhere.

The heroes walked through an ominous hallway, then refilled their stats and came to a smaller, longer hallway with an unexpected person at the end of it…

"Princess Peach?!" cried Mario as he saw the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom at the hall's end.

"Hi there, Mario!" said the princess, hugging Mario tightly. "You can…um…" the princess started reading a piece of paper behind Mario's back, then quickly said, "Uh, you can go home now, Mario! I…um…I am going to…what does that say?...Oh yeah…I am going to be fine, okay, Mario? No need to worry!"

Mario looked oddly at Peach, then said, "…Okay then, princess. I guess that's fine with me. No need to battle Bowser?...Wow! Cool!" Mario happily walked all the way back through the castle, while his partners started feeling very suspicious about how Peach escaped so easily.

Back at the castle entrance, Mario began to celebrate the adventure's end when Goombario said, "Hey, Mario…"

"Yeah, Goombario?" said Mario absentmindedly.

"Has it _ever _occurred to you that the Peach we saw in the hallway may have been a fake?"

Mario turned to Goombario, and his left eye rapidly began twitching as his face scrunched up into an indistinguishable emotion.

Mario then screamed to the heavens, "**_MOTHER FU—_**"

---

**Back in Bowser's Castle**

Two hours later, back in the hallway where "Peach" was found, Mario and co. ran, their chests huffing and eyes bloodshot, back into the hall.

"WE'VE GOT A SCORE TO SETTLE, YOU ODDLY CONVINCING FAKER!!" screamed Kooper.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" yelled Mario.

"YELLING IN ALL-CAPS IS REALLY FUN, RIGHT, GUYS?!" Bow shouted.

"YEAH!" all the partners said.

Mario hammered the clone before it could turn its back, and it turned into a Duplighost.

"Oh, crud!" said the Duplighost. "I thought I had you for a few hours…"

"Well…now you don't!" said Mario. "I admit you tricked me at first, but thanks to the help of Goombario and all that furious profanity spewing from my mouth, I'm convinced to keep fighting for Princess Peach!" Mario uttered an odd Indian battle cry and lunged at the Duplighost with his partners.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 50 FP: 45

Bombette

Kooper

Goombario

Watt

Bow

Lakilester

Sushie

Parakarry

VS.

Duplighost HP: 15

Mario uses Mega Jump on Duplighost. Does 10 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss on Duplighost. Does 5 damage. Duplighost faints.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

The Duplighost vanished, and Mario and co. rammed through the door into one last Bowser door room.

"We better not have to battle any more cleverly hidden troops!" shouted Parakarry.

Suddenly, four very familiar faces jumped through the ceiling of the room, tearing a paper-like hole in it as a result. The quartet was none other than the Koopa Bros., in all their red, black, green, and yellow glory.

"GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Red, pointing fiercely at Mario. "Long time no see, fat plumber boy! Well, we finally made it out of our jail cell back in the fortress after days of pure torture, and King Bowser has reluctantly given us a second chance to defeat you! And don't think we'll be weaklings like last time, because we've been weight training in jail, and we now really know how to lay the smack down!"

"Let's go, guys!" said Black, preparing the group for another battle against Mario and co.

"I take it you've beaten these TMNT knockoffs before?" said Parakarry. "You must have before Mt. Rugged, because I sure don't remember them."

"Yeah, we did," said Bombette. "I guess we might as well open a can of whoop-ass on them again, if we really have to."

"**_MMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!_**" screamed another familiar voice from the previous room. Just then, none other than the wildly persistent Jr. Troopa busted through the open door and knocked all of the Koopa Bros. off of the screen. Jr. Troopa screeched to a halt in a style reminiscent of the Roadrunner, then turned to Mario.

"Hey there, Mario," he said in an intimidating voice. "Going off to fight King Bowser, huh?! Not until you get through me first, pal! This is the battle that changes EVERYTHING, you fatass! WE FINALLY GET TO DECIDE WHO IS STRONGER: SOME COMMON PLUMBER FILTH, OR THE MIGHTY JR. TROOOOOPAAAAAAA!!!"

Mario turned to his partners, and they all shrugged lightly.

"Might as well," said Lakilester. Mario and Jr. Troopa charged at eachother, and a historic yet pretty much useless battle sequence took place.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 50 FP: 45

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Jr. Troopa HP: 60

"Now…I'm gonna use every single power I've learned to take you out once and for all, buddy!" yelled Jr. Troopa to Mario.

"Bring it on!" said the partners.

Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 4 damage.

Sushie uses Belly Flop. Does 3 damage.

Jr. Troopa charges at Mario. Does 5 damage.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Jr. Troopa. Does 8 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 3 damage.

"Hmmm…" said Jr. Troopa, quietly in thought for a moment. "Looks like I'll have to change my tactics…WATCH THIS!"

Jr. Troopa hides in his eggshell. Defense is increased by 1.

Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 3 damage.

Bombette uses Bomb. Does 4 damage.

Jr. Troopa charges at Mario. Does 5 damage. Defense is lowered back to 2.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Jr. Troopa. Does 8 damage.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 2 damage.

"Alright, now I'm mad. MORE POWER!" cried the annoying young villain.

Jr. Troopa switches to his wings and spiked hat form.

Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.

Parakarry uses Air Raid. Does 4 damage.

Jr. Troopa swoops out at Mario. Does 7 damage.

Mario uses Jump on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.

"MORE POWER!!" yelled Jr. Troopa.

Jr. Troopa switches to magic staff form.

Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage.

Jr. Troopa uses Magic Projectile Attack. Does 9 damage to Mario.

Mario hammers Jr. Troopa. Does 4 damage.

Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage.

Jr. Troopa uses Immobilizing Magic Projectile Attack. Immobilizes Mario for 3 turns and immobilizes Goombario for 4 turns.

Jr. Troopa uses Magical Projectile Attack. Does 9 damage to Mario.

Jr. Troopa uses Another Damn Magical Projectile Attack. Does 9 damage to Mario.

Mario is de-immobilized.

Mario jumps on Jr. Troopa. Does 2 damage.

Jr. Troopa fell to the ground. "GAAAAAH! CURSES!!" he cried. "**I DON'T _BELIEVE_ IT!!! _HOW COULD MARIO DEFEAT ME AT MY STRONGEST?!!_**"

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Okay, Peach, we're coming!" yelled Goombario.

"Shut it, you. That's my line," said Mario irritably.

Mario and co. ran up one final staircase and quickly prepared for the great battle against King Bowser…

Green beans and chicken in taco sauce and honey mustard.

…Okay, just where did that come from?...

---

**Peach's Castle**

Mario ran straight into the front lawn of Peach's Castle, which now looked more like a front lawn on top of an evil overgrown turtle's castle. They all immediately rushed into the castle, and ran into several random rooms, finding helpful items along the way, yet the princess was nowhere to be found.

One of the random rooms the adventurers ran into contained the treasure chest that was linked to Merluvlee's treasure chest back in Shooting Star Summit. Goombario said, "Gee, that chest sure looks similar to the one in Merluvlee's house…Oh, I get it now! This chest is LINKED to the same one in Merluvlee's house!"

"There's one thing I don't understand," said Mario irritably. "If this chest is linked to Merluvlee's place, _why_ couldn't we just all hop into Merluvlee's treasure chest and be transported up here instead of having to travel through the heavens and break our backs getting through Bowser's Castle?!"

"We _really_ need to have a word with these developers and how stupid they make us at times…" muttered Bombette.

"Right," said Goombario, "but now's not the time for that. We've got a dumb broad to save, folks, and now's the time to do it!"

Before they all left the room, our heroes noticed a Toad running out of a closet, and they asked him if they could rest in the room for a while.

"You sure can, Mario! I'm so glad you've made it all the way to this point!" said the Toad gleefully. "Just remember, if you think you're going to be brutally murdered by Bowser, you better save the game first."

Everyone looked oddly at the Toad.

"What?" said the Toad. "Oh…heh…save the game?! What was I thinking when I said THAT?...Hahahahaha!"

"…Alright then," Mario said, jumping into a nearby bed and resting with the other partners.

A COUPLE HOURS LATER…

Mario and co. were now walking slower and more carefully than ever as they inched toward the final large door on the castle's third floor. After entering it, they continued to walk like complete slugs up a few staircases. Finally, after three long hours of slow walking, they giggled after pissing off the author so much and slowly twisted the final door handle leading to Peach's private quarters.

The adventurers quickly and furiously barged through the door when they found out it was locked, and they thought for a minute that the darkened, moonlit room was empty. Mario saw the shattered window Bowser drove through at the beginning of this quest, and he gulped, completely unaware as to where the villain may be. Then, out of nowhere…

"MARIO!! Oh, thank the Dahli Lama that you're here!" cried the princess' voice from the hallway's end.

"Who?" said Mario.

"Nevermind," said Peach, struggling as she was tied to a rope hanging from the ceiling. "Just get me out of here already!"

Mario turned to look at the tied-up princess, and his mind snapped back to a similar moment…

---

**-FLASHBACK TO SUPER MARIO RPG-**

After the final Jump attack had made contact with Bowser's head, the evil brute toppled over on his chandelier and yelled, "UGH, CURSE YOU, MARIO! How could you defeat me AGAIN!?"

"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" cried Princess Toadstool/Peach as she tried to wriggle free of the rope holding her to the ceiling. "Now, please try to help untie me, would you?"

"Alright, alright, alright," said Mario, who was clearly not in a hurry. He walked over to where he was right below Toadstool/Peach, looked up her dress, began drooling, and frantically started to jump in place, wondering that if he hit the rope enough times, it would break and everybody would eventually live happily ever after.

Just as Mario was about to break the final strand of the rope, an almighty voice boomed out, "BOWSERRRR!! YOU HAVEN'T PAID THE RENT FOR 3 MONTHS, AND I'M TAKING THIS CASTLE!...uh, I mean…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"

An amazingly large sword the size of the Mushroom State Building crashed down through all of Bowser's Keep, and the force of the landing blew Toadstool/Peach, Mario, and Bowser all in different directions, spreading them far across the kingdom…

**END FLASHBACK**

---

"Ha ha ha ha ha, I'm NOT falling for that again!" said Mario happily.

"What are you talking about, Mario?!" Peach yelled.

"You know what happened the last time you were tied up like that," Mario said calmly. "That huge Exor sword crashed through the castle and sent us all flying in different directions. Like I said, I'm NOT falling for that a second time! Hahahahahaha, okay, Exor, you can come out now!"

"The hell are you talking about, tubby?!" shouted Bowser's voice as the villain came flying in on his Koopa Kar. "This isn't a sequel to Super Mario RPG or anything, so you really shouldn't be expecting Exor to separate us all again. This time, we're REALLY gonna fight, and we're REALLY gonna decide who is the best!"

"That's right, Mario and friends!" shouted Kammy Koopa, who had also flown into the room on her trusty broomstick. "Have you already forgotten that His Supremeness wields the power of the Star Rod?"

"Well guess what, you old hag?" Goombario yelled. "You may have that cool shining thingy, but we have the TRUE power of the seven Star Spirits and the Mushroom Kingdom on our side!"

"You're going down!" cried Bow.

"Absolutely!" said Sushie.

"Yep!" said Parakarry.

"Let me finish this…" mumbled Bowser, fumbling around and finally taking the Star Rod out of his shell. "Is THIS what you runts want!? You'll have to FIGHT me for it, then! There's no way you can beat me…I will prove that I am truly INVINCIBLE!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 50 FP: 50

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

Bowser HP: 50

"Now, let's start, shall we?" said Bowser, a terrible grin forming on his face.

Mario jumps on Bowser. Does 4 damage.

Goombario uses Charge. Attack power is charged by 2 points.

Bowser uses Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 3 damage.

Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.

Goombario uses Charge. Attack power is charged by another 2 points.

"Hmm…" said Bowser. "…I think it's time I go with the usual."

Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible to all attacks.

_WAY too easy_, thought Mario.

Mario uses the Star Beam. The Star Spirits are summoned immediately.

All the Star Spirits were quite surprised by Mario's sudden request to use the Star Beam. Eldstar was reading on a couch, Mamar was getting a tan, Skolar was eating chicken at a dining table, Muskular and Misstar were doing the unspeakable, Klevar was shaving his legs, and Kalmar was frowning and contemplating the meaning of life. All the spirits were still doing these things when they popped up in the battle, and they all screamed with surprise and hurriedly sped toward Bowser.

The Star Spirits attack Bowser. The Star Rod's power is disabled.

"WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT THHHHHEEEEEE—" the villainous Koopa king screamed as his invincibility was gone in a flash.

"That'll teach you to mess with the Star Spirits, beotch!" Muskular said directly in Bowser's face.

"Oh, I swear I'm going to pound you ALL into the dust…" muttered Bowser.

Goombario unleashes his charged Headbonk on Bowser. Does a whopping 12 damage.

Bowser breathes fire at Mario. Does 10 damage.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Bowser. Does 9 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 4 damage.

Bowser uses Fury Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 7 damage.

Mario jumps on Bowser. Does 4 damage.

Bombette uses Body Slam. Does 4 damage.

Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible to all attacks.

"Silly Bowser, tricks are for cowards!" Mario said, laughing.

"…Huh?" said Bowser, raising an eyebrow.

Mario uses Star Beam. The Star Rod's power is once again disabled.

Parakarry uses Shell Shot. Does 6 damage.

Bowser uses Star Blast. Does 3 damage to Mario, poisons Mario, and knocks out Parakarry for 4 turns.

Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.

"GYYYYYAAAAAAACK! I've been defeated? But how?..." cried Bowser.

"Because you're apparently too stupid to realize that the Star Rod's clearly not gonna work a second time," Mario said.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Hmm…This is pretty embarrassing, I'll admit," said Bowser, sighing and gasping for air after his defeat. "But Mario…You and your friends are still just a minor annoyance! That was like a warm-up for me…See you at the top of the princess' castle, you pathetic plumber!" The evil king suddenly grabbed Peach after untying her, then flew off with Kammy right behind him.

"Mario!" Eldstar cried. "You must get to the castle's top before it's too late! Hurry, tubby, you can make it!"

"I'll go if you stop calling me 'Tubby'. Capiche?" said Mario irritably.

Eldstar huddled together with the other spirits, rapidly talked to them in Japanese for a moment, then turned back to Mario and said, "Capiche. NOW MOVE IT, FATASS! YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS IN DANGER, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED!"

"Fine, I'm going!" said Mario, running up the next staircase with the other eight adventurers. "AND SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"

Mario and co. came to an outside part of the castle right under the very top, and saw Peach screaming Mario's name as she was brought to a large platform at the castle's top by Bowser and Kammy. Mario and the other heroes quickly followed, refilling their stats and…uh…okay, okay, they SAVED THE GAME…and rushing up to a bridge leading to the humongous arena high in the sky.

"There! Bowser, Peach, and Kammy are over there!" shouted a familiar voice from somewhere off in the distance.

"BOWSER?! PEACH!? KAMMY?! WHERE!!?" shouted all the adventurers as they looked frantically around the area.

"Over on the arena, you freaking nitwits!" shouted the voice. A Star Kid flew over to the heroes, and the shouting indeed belonged to the Star Kid, who was none other than Twink the Star Weirdo—uh—Kid.

"Twink?!" yelled Mario. "Hey, little weird man! Haven't seen you in ages!"

"Well, I was eaten by Bowser, and was nearly digested before he threw up after hearing one of Kammy's funniest jokes, which in turn was my ticket out of his stomach," said Twink hurriedly. "There, does that answer your burning questions?"

"…" was all the adventurers said.

And so, the ten good guys ran across the bridge before it completely collapsed, stopping immediately on the arena, which was about seventy or so times the size of Mario. And that's saying a lot! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

"SHUT UP, AUTHOR! YOU MAKE THE WORST WEIGHT JOKES EVER!" screamed Mario at the screen.

"We'll wonder who the heck you were talking to later, plumber boy," said Bowser. "For now, it's about time we finish this entire adventure, and prove that I'm indeed invincible."

"But you aren't exactly invincible," said Mario. "I mean, the Star Beam fixes that every time."

"Quite the contrary, my chubby Italian friend!" the fiendish king yelled victoriously. "NOW…EVERYBODY IN THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM, AND EVEN THE WORLD…BEHOLD, AS MARIO MARIO, YOUR ONLY HOPE, SUCCUMBS TO THE POWER OF ME, KING BOWSER, THE KICKASS KING OF ALL THAT IS COOL!!! FIRE IT UP, KAMMY!!"

"Right away, Your Invincibleness," said Kammy, giving a devoted military salute to her king and flipping a nearby switch. Suddenly, the arena roared with electronic laughter, and the eyes on the arena's face lit up with a devious orange glow. A strange blue aura surrounded Bowser, along with him growing to a triumphant size, and he happily held up the Star Rod in the air.

Meanwhile, Peach watched on in fear next to Kammy, and Twink flew over to her.

"TWINK!" she cried, tearfully embracing the Star Kid. "I don't believe it…You're actually alive?"

"Long story," muttered Twink. "We're gonna have to help Mario and the partners somehow…"

"I know, but I'm just not sure how we'll do that at the moment," Peach said.

"No need for you to help your boyfriend get defeated, dearie," said Kammy as she calmly watched the beginning battle from the sidelines. "He'll be doing a mighty fine job by himself! Bleck hyeck hyuck hyuck!"

"Mario WILL defeat your bird-brained king, you hag! Just you wait and see!" shouted the princess, turning to Kammy and furiously folding her arms. "And he's NOT my boyfriend!"

---

**!!!BEGIN FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 50

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

King Bowser "The Invincible, Kickass King of All Things Cool and Villainous" Koopa HP: 99

"99 HP?!" cried Mario. "We better finish you off fast, then…"

"Oh…just you wait until you see what's in store for you…hee hee hee…" mumbled Bowser.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 9 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash on Bowser. Does 5 damage.

"Good job, guys, we're already getting there!" shouted Parakarry, trying to keep the partners' hopes up.

"Getting there? Pfft, not even close, Mail Boy," said Bowser. Parakarry furiously blushed and silently pouted.

Mario uses Mega Jump. Does 9 damage to Bowser.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.

"Okay, okay, I think it's time I show you just what Kammy's arena can do…NO MORE MONKEY BUSINESS!" Bowser waved the Star Rod, and he gained invincibility.

Mario uses Star Beam….And it doesn't work! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!

"OH NO! IT'S NOT WORKING!" screamed Bombette and Kooper, holding eachother in total fear. They looked nervously into eachother's eyes for a minute.

Kooper then said, "Bombette…I've always loved you, from the very minute I laid eyes on you. Okay, I know I'm not the smartest of the group…But…it's your beautiful backside that actually helps me walk in the same direction as the rest of the party, and you're just plain hot."

"…" was all Bombette said for a minute. Then, her eyes melted into a mixture of compassion and love, and she said, "Oh, c'mere, you…" and gave Kooper an amazing, minute-long kiss.

"Oh, thank you God…Thank you…" Kooper quietly gurgled with pure bliss and happiness in his voice.

"Listen, folks!" snapped Parakarry. "I understand that this is the clichéd romantic and mushy moment of the comedy, but—"

"Parakarry…" whispered Sushie. "I confess that I've always had quite the thing for you too, dear…"

"HOLY COW!" shouted the hapless Paratroopa as Sushie furiously smooched him all over the face, toppling eachother over onto the ground.

"I'll continue talking for him okay guys okay okay!?" screeched Watt at the top of her lungs so everybody could hear her over the two couples' kissing and grunting. "So yeah like I do understand that you guys get all mushy and romantic at this point in the climactic battle but the point is that Bowser is invincible and the crappy Star Beam ain't working so we gotta find a new strategy to beat this guy's ass ASAP okay does everybody agree with me because it's important that you agree with me because otherwise you'd basically be betraying a party member and that's not good because then you'd be like Benedict Goomba and everybody would hate you even Bowser and that ugly old hag in the purple cloak and—"

"WE GET IT, WATT!!!" Goombario shouted. "So, what can we do now…?"

**!!!FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE INTERMISSION!!!**

---

"No…" whispered Peach. "Oh, no! Twink, the Star Beam isn't working on Bowser anymore!"

"It just goes to show you that even the strongest of magical attacks have expiration dates," Twink said in anger.

"I doubt that's the case," said Peach firmly. "It's just that…Kammy's arena has amplified Bowser's power and invincibility so much that the Star Beam doesn't do anything anymore!"

"Oh, shut it, the both of you!" shouted Kammy. "And just to ensure that you don't help Mario…"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE INSIDE OF A BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Peach HP: Go ask the gods, I don't know. Sheesh…

Twink HP: Again, I don't know, go ask Albert Einstein or something…Wait, he's dead, isn't he?...

VS.

Kammy Koopa HP: 10. OOOOOH, SCARY! Well, actually, if you are as weak as Peach, I suppose it actually is a bit scary.

Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 0 damage.

"PFFFT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA cough cough cough….Did I just feel a breeze!? You have to do a whole lot better than that!" said Kammy.

Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Does 10,000 damage.

"TWINK!" screamed Peach.

"I'm okay…Not like I haven't felt this kind of pain before…" Twink said calmly.

Peach prays for Twink. Raises his attack power by 1.

Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 1 damage.

"WHAT!?" shouted the ugly old Magikoopa woman. "That little punk can actually hurt me all of a sudden? Something is really fishy here….HEY! YOU BETTER NOT BE TAKING STEROIDS!"

Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Does 5,000 damage.

"And his defense is increased, too?" said Kammy in disbelief.

Peach prays for Twink. Inreases attack power by another point.

Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 2 damage.

"Okay, now to stop this crap…" mumbled Kammy.

Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Does 2,500 damage.

Peach prays for Twink. Increases attack power by another point.

Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 3 damage.

Kammy drops a light-as-a-feather block on Twink. Doesn't do jack shit to Twink.

"Wha…whaaaa?...It can't be…My attacks aren't working…" muttered Kammy, backing away from Twink a little.

Peach prays for Twink. Increases attack power by another point.

Twink dashes at Kammy. Does 4 damage. Kammy Koopa faints.

"OH, HOLY MOTHER OF FISH STICKS!" cried Kammy as her broom was destroyed and she fell to the ground and possibly broke a thing or two.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE INSIDE A BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Forgive…me…Lord…Bowser…Shooooooooot………" muttered Kammy, her voice getting quieter and quieter.

"Bye-bye, ugly old fly!" said Peach, giggling and waving a mock goodbye to Kammy's limp body.

"Let's make annoying smartass rhymes later," said Twink. "For now, I believe that…if we can get the prayers of all the Mushroom Kingdom citizens, we could create a _new _beam to disable Bowser's increased invincibility!"

"Really? Let's give it a try, Twink!" said Peach. She smiled, and silently prayed as much as she could. For some creepy reason, every single citizen across the kingdom could feel the princess' praying sensation, and they all joined in soon enough. An amazing amount of wishes was actually beginning to make a spark of magic in the air in front of Peach that soon morphed into a pink aura of possibly proportional pretty pink power.

"Remarkable!" said Eldstar, gasping at the sight of the new aura.

"Splendid!" cried Mamar.

"Impressive…" muttered Skolar.

"Sweet!" said Muskular.

"Amazing…" said Misstar.

"Revolutionary!" cried Klevar.

"Too many comments!" shouted Kalmar.

Everyone scowled at the seventh Star Spirit.

"…What?..." he said, nervously looking at everybody.

"I don't believe it…" said Eldstar. "Peach and Twink have actually started the creation of a new defense-breaking beam! Send as much of your power to the aura as possible, everyone!"

Everyone on the arena except Bowser sent power to the aura, whether it was through wishes, praying, closing eyes tightly, reaching hands out, or even passing gas. The aura soon grew to a large proportion, and it spread across Mario and co.

"Behold…THE PEACH BEAM!" they all shouted triumphantly to Bowser, who had just been staring with his jaw dropped at the amazing sight.

"Hmmm…NO MATTER!" he then shouted, furiously breathing flames into the heavens. "Now is the time I dispose of you the old-fashioned way. I don't need any of this invincibility crap when I could already beat you with my eyes closed anyway! Let's fight!"

"With pleasure!" said all nine of our heroes.

And they did, of course.

---

**!!!CONTINUE INTERRUPTED FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 50 FP: 50

Goombario

Kooper

Bombette

Parakarry

Bow

Watt

Sushie

Lakilester

VS.

King Bowser "The Invincible, Kickass King of All that is Cool and Evil" Koopa HP: 99

"Time to kick some butt and take some names, runts!" shouted Bowser. "I'm invincible, and there's nothing you can do about it in a million years! BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.

Kooper uses Shell Toss. Does 4 damage.

Bowser breathes fire at Mario. Does 10 damage.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Bowser. Does 9 damage.

Goombario uses Charge. Increases attack power by 2 points.

"Okay, here we go again," said Bowser, waving the Star Rod.

Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible.

Mario uses the Peach Beam. Invincibility is disabled.

Bowser groaned loudly and continued the fight.

Goombario uses Charge. Increases attack power by another 2 points.

Bowser uses Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 3 damage.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 9 damage.

Goombario unleashes his charged Headbonk. Does 12 damage.

Bowser uses Thunder. Does 8 damage to Mario and knocks out Goombario for 4 turns.

Mario uses Mega Jump on Bowser. Does 9 damage.

Bombette uses Bomb. Does 6 damage.

Bowser uses the Star Rod. Is permanently invincible.

Mario uses the Peach Beam. The Star Rod is disabled.

Bombette uses Bomb. Does 6 damage.

Bowser uses Fury Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 7 damage.

Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.

Parakarry uses Air Raid. Does 5 damage.

"Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy," said Bowser.

Bowser heals 30 of his HP.

Mario uses Mega Jump. Does 9 damage.

Bow uses Outta Sight. Mario is invisible for the enemy's attack.

Bowser uses Mega Cool Bowser Attack. Misses Mario.

Outta Sight wears off.

Mario hammers Bowser. Does 5 damage.

Bowser breathes fire at Mario. Does 10 damage.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 9 damage.

Watt uses Electro Dash. Does 5 damage.

Bowser uses Claw Swipe on Mario. Does 3 damage and poisons Mario.

Mario uses Ultra Shroom and Thunder Rage in one turn. Heals 50 HP and does 5 damage to Bowser.

Watt uses Turbo Charge. Increases Mario's attack power by 1 for 3 turns.

Bowser uses Star Blast. Does 3 damage to Mario and knocks out Watt for 4 turns.

Mario uses Jammin' Jelly and Fire Flower in one turn. Refills 50 FP and does 3 damage to Bowser.

Sushie uses Squirt. Does 6 damage.

Bowser heals 30 of his HP.

Mario throws the I Can't Believe This Fight Is Taking So Long So I'll Make It Just A Bit Shorter Tantrum. Does 25 damage to Bowser.

"CURSE YOU AND YOUR TANTRUMS!" cried Bowser.

Lakilester uses Spiny Toss. Does 3 damage to Bowser.

Bowser uses Mega Cool Bowser Attack. Does 16 damage to Mario and knocks out the whole party for 5 turns. Bowser also increases defense by 3.

"What!?" cried Mario. "Oh, this is so unfair!"

"Quit yer whining and keep fighting!" yelled Bowser.

Turbo Charge wears off.

Mario uses Mega Smash on Bowser. Does 6 damage.

Bowser does the Bowser Super Cool Attack Move Showcase. Attacks several times and does 30 damage to Mario, also disabling his ability to use badges.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" laughed the villainously villainous villain. "I still have 3 HP left, yet you're down to 1 HP, your entire party is unconscious, and you have no recovery or offensive items left!! Any last words!?"

"…_Rosebud…_" croaked Mario, holding his chest and gasping for air.

"…What the hell?" said Bowser, dumbfounded by Mario's request of a last word.

"Oh, shut up. You heard me," Mario snapped.

Meanwhile, Twink was running around the arena in excitement about something.

"I found the greatest pebble in the world, guys!" he cried happily. "See how round and perfectly shaped it is?! And look at the shine on it! It's amazing, I tell y—"

Suddenly, the Star Kid somehow tripped while floating in the air, and the pebble flew smack into Bowser's forehead.

A pebble hits Bowser. Does 3 damage. Bowser faints!!

**!!!END FINAL BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the defeated king. "I've been defeated by Mario AGAIN?! Oh, what am I kidding?...He always beats me, damn it…This time I become invincible…And…And…And…AND HE **_STILL _**BEATS ME! DAAAARRRRNNNN IIIIIIIIT! WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

The Star Rod fell out of his grasp, and Mario ran over and picked it up.

**YOU GOT THE FANTASTIC SHINING WISH-GRANTING THINGY, THE STAR ROD!! YOU BETTER GIVE THIS BACK TO THE STAR SPIRITS, OR THEY'LL GET PRETTY PISSED ABOUT YOU DECIDING TO KEEP IT, YOU MISERABLE, GREEDY SON OF A GUN!**

"Twink, you did it!" cried Peach, hugging Twink again. "You defeated Bowser, of all people! And so did Mario and co., but only barely! But the point is, you beat him!! HOORAY!"

"Huh?" said Twink dumbly. "I did?"

"Yes!" said Peach. "The pebble that hit him in the head ricocheted right off, and Bowser toppled right over!"

"_Ricocheted?_" yelled Twink. He dashed over to the arena's edge and saw the pebble fall into the bottomless night sky below.

"NNNNOOOO!" he cried, tears pouring down his face. "PEEEEEEEEEBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEE!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO END THIS WAY!? OH, WHYYYYYYYYY!?"

Kammy limped over to her defeated leader, and mumbled something quickly.

"Huh? Spit it out, Kammy!" he shouted at her, absolutely insane about losing to Mario yet again.

"Your Defeatedness," she said, "the tension of your battle with Mario and his partners was so large that it seems to have effected the arena in a negative way…"

"And by that, you mean?..." said Bowser, already not liking the answer he was about to get.

"Sir, due to the battle's tension, and the fact that the arena's power is internally linked with your castle…" began Kammy. "…I'm afraid to say that both your castle and this very spot are about to explode in 3, 2, 1—"

Bowser screamed to the very heavens themselves as the arena and the castle exploded, creating a huge flash of red light and black smoke to appear in the skies. Both him and his loyal hag of an assistant were blown away completely and fell to the earth far down below…

---

**The Sky, Later**

Luckily, the Star Spirits were aware of the explosion beforehand and encased Peach's Castle and everybody else in the arena in a huge yellow bubble that calmly floated down through the sky as Bowser and Kammy, still screaming with fright, kept rapidly dropping down near them.

"Mario…" began Eldstar on the front lawn of Peach's Castle, "We are all so very impressed by your bravery and heroism shown throughout the years."

"Yes indeed," said Mamar. "You, Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Parakarry, Bow, Watt, Sushie, and Lakilester have proven to us all that you could defeat King Bowser for the umpteenth time in a row with a hand tied behind your back."

Skolar said, "Mario, keep up the good work, and I guarantee you that you'll be the greatest living legend the Mushroom Kingdom has EVER known…Not as great as Cheepi Hendrix, of course, but great nonetheless." The wise purple spirit smiled greatly.

Muskular then said, "Mario…I told you to show all of your enemies what heroism and ass-kicking is all about, and by golly, you sure did even blow me out of the water by doing so! I have to admit I'm slightly jealous of your strength and how you most likely get a lot more oral than me nowadays…"

Peach blushed, and Misstar slapped Muskular hard. "Splendid job, tubby—I mean, Mario," said Misstar. "Not only have you proved that you're handsome, but you've also shown spirit and determination along with all of your partners!"

"What a wise old man you will turn out to be, Mario. I could only dream of trouncing villains like you do, alas," said Klevar. "Perhaps Bowser has finally learned his lesson, and will never even dare to bother our everyday lives ever again."

Everybody was quiet for a moment, then they all shook their heads and said, "Nah!" in unison.

"So…heh," said Kalmar in a shy tone. "I suppose this is the part where I compliment you on your skill, bravery, determination, strength, whatever. Eh, I can't think of anything. So sue me, hahaha!"

"Twink…" said Eldstar as he turned to the young Star Kid. "You have also shown an excellent array of cunning, helpfulness, and heroism throughout this insane parody fanfic—I mean, videogame—er, adventure—er…WHATEVER! Like I was saying…I mean, I'm very impressed that you were the one who delivered the final blow to Bowser after all! And with your caring for Peach, Mario, and everyone else, I think…I think you have truly proven yourself to be a worthy, grown up Star! You may even become a Star Spirit with us one day!"

"Whoa! Really, Eldstar!?" said Twink with pure excitement.

Eldstar grinned. "Really," he said.

Twink zoomed around the encased castle wildly. "OOOOOOOOHHHHH YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH! TAKE THAT, BIAAAAAAAAATCHES! UNGH, OH YEAH!"

"Shut up," Eldstar irritably muttered.

"Sorry," said Twink, immediately coming to a halt.

"Now, we must be going with the Star Rod, everybody," said Eldstar. "Wishes can't grant themselves, you know!" The Star Spirits left, but Twink stayed behind for a bit.

"Peach…There's something I've been meaning to tell you…" he said. "I think…I…Man, these dots are annoying…I think I love you, Peach!"

Peach stared at the Star Kid for a while, then said, "Hahaha, that's wonderful, Twink! But are you really telling the truth?"

"It's not that true," said Twink, "But I just had to up the romantic tension a bit, you know what I'm saying? I was actually fonder of the pebble, anyway. See you all later!"

Mario, the partners, and Peach all said goodbye to Twink as the little Star Kid flew up to Star Haven for the first time along with all the others.

Goombario said, "Mario, traveling with you has helped me learn a whole lot of stuff about adventuring, and it's made my head a bit harder, too! Heh heh! Anyway, thanks so very much for letting me tag along on the journey. I sure hope I wasn't too much trouble or hassle."

Kooper said, "Mario, me and Bombette have decided to start living in Koopa Village together, and we can equally agree that you're the best person we could ever ask to travel with. Bowser's been defeated again, and it's all thanks to us and especially you, pal!"

"Mario," began Parakarry, "Sushie and I have also considered living together in some tropical place soon, and we'd be honored if you could come over to see us every once in a while. I've learned a lot about the Mushroom Kingdom in my travels with you, along with Sushie, and we're glad to have contributed to Bowser's defeat this time. Now we'd just like to settle down somewhere. I like the sound of Keelhaul Key. I just hope it isn't used as a location in the next Paper Mario game, because that would just ruin all our privacy…"

"Well, Mario," said Bow, "I can wholeheartedly agree that after getting out of the mansion and seeing the world in a new light while traveling with you, I've become an all-around better person. Thank you."

Watt then delivered a long and very rapid thank-you speech to Mario. Mario and Peach didn't quite understand everything she said, but they were sure it was a lot of really nice stuff.

"And I guess I'm last, of course," said Lakilester. "Well, Mario, I may…er…still suck at being evil in any imaginable way, but I've definitely gotten better at reading the script, and now I can safely and happily go back home and show Lakilulu that I have indeed proved myself to be kickass as a hero. And it's all thanks to you, my chubby Italian brother from another mother!"

"Well, shouldn't the castle be landing right now?" said Peach thoughtfully.

"Uh…" said Goombario nervously. "Well, the Star Spirits aren't here anymore, so their magic is most likely not slowing down our fall anymore either…"

Mario, Peach, and the eight other heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom looked down at the castle, noticing that it was frozen in space for the few seconds when they realized what would happen.

"Oh, fu—" grumbled Mario right before all of Princess Peach's Castle rapidly dropped through the rest of the sky like a red-and-white blur, the ten good guys screaming themselves hoarse all the way down.

---

**A/N: **No final author's note for you until the epilogue, bub!


	11. The Oh So Wonderful Epilogue

**A/N:** Happy late New Year, folks! You guys can't imagine how grateful I am that a lot of you have really enjoyed this fic, and I'm definitely not going to stop writing anytime soon. You can expect Paper Mario TTYD: Raw and Uncut sometime in the next few days:)

For now, we may as well conclude this messed-up adventure with a nice little telling of what happened after Bowser was defeated and Peach's castle was restored. For the last time, fish paste!

---

**Mario's House, Two Weeks Later**

"…So that's how it all happened, huh, Bro?" said Luigi one fine Monday morning as the screen faded back in. "An exhilarating and stupid adventure with eight new friends to defeat Bowser at his strongest…I'm so jealous! Why don't I ever get to go on adventures anymore?!"

"Because you're basically the housewife part of the Mario Bros.," said Mario. "You can expect not to travel with me for another good ten years. Ha, I mean, it's not like Nintendo is going to make a Mario & Luigi game or anything, right?"

Luigi sighed. "I suppose you're right…" he muttered.

A few awkward moments later, a rustle of the mailbox was heard outside, and Parakarry's familiar "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!" was heard as well.

"THAT DAMN BIRD!" shrieked Luigi, running outside to get the mail and possibly kill Parakarry. Ha, like that's ever going to happen…

Mario went to the bedroom to rest up a bit. When he walked in, however, he fell through a panel in the floor. Rubbing his backside in pain, Mario noticed he was in a much smaller room underneath his and Luigi's bedroom, and wondered exactly what this small space was used for. In a flash, he noticed an open book and a ballpoint pen lying on a desk in the hidden room. The fat Italian plumber grabbed the book and began reading it.

_Dear Wonderful Diary,_

_?:?? PM_

_Well, knowing Mario, he's completed his adventure after five days, so he'll likely be home anytime soon now. I admit I was a little worried about him for a while, but I learned to accept the fact that the Mushroom Kingdom always needs him in dire situations, probably because nobody else chooses to help save some dumb broad like Peach when she's kidnapped. Tee hee, I feel so mischievous right now! I just lit Mario's entire underwear drawer on fire out of jealousy that I never get to go on adventures anymore! NOW what'll he wear for the next couple of weeks until the new clothes are delivered, huh?! Ha ha ha, he's gonna smell like a wrinkled old walrus' armpit for a long time if he keeps wearing the same undergarments! Oops, I'm such a bad wittle pwumber! I just wit poor Mawio's weftover cassewole on fire now! I feel wike I should be punished! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, TAKE THAT, MARIO! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_Till tomorrow,_

_-Luigi-_

Mario really didn't know what to say about the diary entry, but he froze solid when Luigi came back in the room with the mail and noticed Mario in his secret diary room.

Mario looked up at his younger brother for an extremely long time, and finally said, "…Why didn't you ever tell me about this, Luigi?" He waved the diary at Luigi.

"…Oh," said Luigi. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you found that…Shoot, I forgot to keep the panel shut before I left the room last! HOW MUCH OF THAT DID YOU READ!?"

"I only read the last entry from two weeks ago," said Mario, "but after beginning to read this other entry, I can see that you like—"

"Well, enough of that for now," said Luigi, interrupting his older brother. "Guess what? Along with a bunch of other imaginary bills and discount offers that I made up to make us look important coming in the mail, we got a pink letter from Peach! And this time, it's scented with Eau de Broad perfume…Heh heh, I wonder if Mario has a girlfriend now!..."

Mario angrily snatched the letter out of his brother's hands, opened it quickly, and read it carefully.

_Dear Mario,_

_Hello there! I can't believe it's already been more than two minutes after we defeated Bowser, and he hasn't kidnapped me again! That's definitely a new record…Anyhow, I wrote a letter to you to inform both you and Luigi of my502nd weekly party at the castle today. Sure, the 501st party was a bust after the S.W.A.T. Team came in and arrested some people for……rowdy antics……but I can assure you guys that this party is pure, clean fun! Also, I asked Parakarry to check on your partners, and they're doing great…_

_Goombario returned to Goomba Village, of course, and now Goombaria, Goompa, Goompapa, and everybody else treat him as the true warrior of the family. The only problem is, they drop to the ground and chant, "WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!" whenever Goombario is around them. Are they okay?...And also, the Goomba Bros. now reluctantly agreed to do Goombario's chores for the next few weeks after Goombario won a bet they secretly made at the beginning of your adventure._

_Kooper and Bombette kept their word, and now the two of them reside in Kooper's house back in Koopa Village. The two of them always ensure that the Fuzzies stay out of the village, they've started dating, and rumor has it that they're planning on getting engaged soon…Heh heh, that's so cute…And also, Kooper tried going on an expedition to the Crystal Palace with Kolorado and his associates, but Kolorado's wife told Parakarry to send that crazy old man a letter from his own wife saying that he had better get home and give her some delicious "cherry pie" before she went crazy. She also wants him to stay home for as long as he goes on expeditions normally, so he won't be out of his home village for a while. Kooper made a cutout of Kolorado to keep him company, which he calls "Kardboard Kolorado". Bombette says it sort of creeps the hell out of her when Kooper talks extensively to the cutout, but she's still glad he has a companion of any form. The Koopa Bros. are imprisoned in their own fortress again, but have luckily learned not to drop the soap so much._

_Parakarry is doing great with Sushie now. He paid for Sushie to go to 'Fish-Fooders' Anonymous, and now she's quitting 'fish food' after two weeks of class! They planned on buying a condo in Keelhaul Key, but unfortunately learned that it would indeed be a location in the next Paper Mario game, so Parakarry sadly agreed to just stay with Sushie in his house in the outskirts of Toad Town. Sushie still goes to Lavalava Island to visit the Yoshi kids, the village chief, Raphael the Raven, and the Yoshi parents very often as well._

_Bow's doing absolutely great. She returned to Boo Mansion, convinced Bootler to stop threatening people with that god-awful "E.T." game, and has done several great things for the citizens of Gusty Gulch, now that she's learned that all Boos are truly created equal and the Gusty Gulch villagers don't deserve to be treated like dirt. Bow has also learned to acknowledge the fact that Herbert is her brother, thankfully, and has worked with the new and improved Tubba Blubba to create the Save The Boos From Big Dumb Hungry Near-Invincible Monsters And/or Any Other Threatening Creatures Foundation. Tubba's heart is currently serving in prison "until Tubba Blubba learns what 2 plus 2 equals", so he won't be let out for an extremely long time._

_Watt has become a commanding general for the Shy Guy's Toy Box, and now that she commands a large amount of the toy box's population, she's resolved to have the Shy Guys take peoples' crap back from others rather than stealing it. General Guy promised not to be bad anymore, but he's been heavily demoted from his position. Gourmet Guy and Watt are also currently taking classes to try and stop their habits of hyperactivity and cake-triggered orgasms._

_Lakilester feels like he's on top of the world now. He returned home as soon as possible a couple weeks ago, and Lakilulu and everybody else in Flower Fields welcomed him back with open arms. Now that the citizens of the fields don't have to worry about Bowser anymore either, they throw weekly Shroomstock revival festivals rather than semi-annual ones. Also, Lakilester asked for Lakilulu's hand in marriage yesterday, and she gladly agreed. Surprisingly, being engaged to her has made Lakilester angrier and more aggressive than before, and Lakilulu does agree that he's getting better at being evil that way. Lakilester now prefers being called Oiram rather than Spike or Lakilester. Isn't that flattering?_

_Anyway, all of the partners have also been invited to the party, and I really hope to see you and Luigi there, Mario! Goodbye!_

_With love,_

_Princess Peach_

"With LOVE?" said Luigi, on the verge of laughing. "Mario's got a girlfriend, Mario's got a girlfriend!"

"Oh, shut up, crybaby," said Mario irritably. "It's great to hear the partners are doing so well. You coming with me to the party this time, or are you going to stay here and silently cry yourself to sleep over letters?"

"Uh…of course I'll come!" Luigi responded.

"Let's go, then," said Mario, walking out the door and entering the pipe to Toad Town with his brother following close behind.

---

**Toad Town**

Luigi told Mario he had to tend to some important business at the castle, so he ran far ahead of his older brother and left him to talk to several annoying Toads. Along the way, he also met people such as Merlon, Kolorado, the Goomba family, Moustafa, Bootler and Bow, Gourmet Guy and Watt, the Yoshi Village chief, Raphael Raven, Merluvlee, Merlow, Merlee, Merle, Harold the Ninji, Lakilulu and Lakilester, Mayor Penguin and his wife, and surprisingly, Milfred and Michael, who dropped the whole villain act and decided to work together on Michael's new album, titled _I'm Not The Guy I Used To Be…Not Even Hardly_. Jr. Troopa also came running after Mario, but got stampeded by the large crowd of kingdom citizens invited to the party before he could even reach the chubby plumber.

After finally reaching Peach's Castle, Mario stood at the doorway inside the castle as everyone else settled themselves down.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Toadsworth as he entered the entrance hall of the castle, "I, the 'minister' of the Mushroom Kingdom,"—the old Toad winked slightly at Mario—"present to you…Princeeeeeesss Peeeeeach!"

The entire castle erupted with cheers, applause, and cries of "SHOW US YOUR BREASTS!!" to Peach as she entered the hall.

"Oh…Thank you all so much for coming to the party!" Peach said, her voice full of joy. "After breaking my writing hand from all those damn letters, it feels really good to know that you all actually came when invited." She looked over at Mario, and her smile became even wider.

"We should all be very lucky to be back here, safe at home," Peach continued. "If it weren't for Mario and his partners trouncing Bowser for the millionth time, we'd basically be celebrating our deaths now instead of just having fun!"

Everyone laughed very awkwardly.

"I'm eternally grateful for all the help we've gotten these past few days," said Peach. "Mario…Goombario…Kooper…Bombette…Parakarry…Bow…Watt…Sushie…Lakilester…there are too many dots in this sentence…and everybody else in the Mushroom Kingdom who helped these nine heroes…I thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart, and so do the rest of my subjects and all the other kingdom citizens. Now we're free to celebrate and enjoy ourselves, knowing that the whole Mushroom Kingdom can live in peace for a very long time once again without having to worry about Bowser's wrath…Perhaps even forever! So, again, thank you all."

Mario and the rest of the party attendees were deathly silent for a minute.

"Now…Let the festivities begin!" Peach said happily. She looked over her shoulder and hollered to Toadsworth, "YO D.J., SPIN DAT SHIT!"

Toadsworth smiled, put on a pair of headphones, and began scratching a record as loud party music echoed throughout the castle and the very kingdom grounds. The whole cast then proceeded to get down with their bad selves to "_Jump Around_" by House of Pain, and everything was once again peaceful and funky-fresh in the Mushroom Kingdom.

**THE END!!!**

…

…

…

**JUST KIDDING!**

---

**Mario's House**

After the party, the ending character parade, and the adventure's…uh…end credits, Mario and Peach took a peaceful stroll to Mario's home, staying on the porch and silently watching fireworks go off in the clear night sky as Luigi ran naked past them, laughing wildly and commenting on Mario having a girlfriend.

"So…heh, well, Mario…What now?" Peach nervously asked Mario after the fireworks had finally stopped a couple hours later.

"Uh…We could go into the kitchen and…um…have that leftover chocolate cake from Luigi's birthday…" muttered Mario.

"Oh, you're so silly, Mario!" said Peach, laughing. "C'mere…" The princess was about to kiss Mario right on the lips when Twink dashed out of the sky.

"YOU FAT ITALIAN BASTARD! SHE'S MINE! GET AWAY FROM HER RIGHT NOW!!" screamed the Star Kid as he chased Mario around the front lawn, shooting eye lasers at the hapless plumber as Peach laughed herself hoarse.

---

**Somewhere in the Fields of the Mushroom Kingdom**

Bowser was laying on his back, looking up at the sky with a mixture of sadness and anger as Kammy still lay unconscious next to him.

"Well, that's that, I suppose. I've been beaten yet again," the King of Koopas said as tears furiously formed in his eyes. "But mark my words, readers and players…I'll be back!" He laughed maniacally.

"You totally stole that from The Terminator," muttered Kammy, now awake and walking over to her king.

"Oh, shut up!" yelled Bowser irritably. "Back to what I was saying…_I'll get you one day, Mario! I swear, I'LL GET YOU!_"

"Stolen from Inspector Gadget," said Kammy casually.

"…Um…Hakuna Matata?" said Bowser uncertainly.

"You're kidding me…" said Kammy, beginning to laugh.

"Uh…HEY!" Bowser yelled at the screen. "What're you still doing here, idiot!? The adventure is OVER! YOU HEAR ME? OVER!! GO HOME!!"

"The big evil moron is right, folks!" the Star Spirits called out from Star Haven. "Show's over! Bye, y'all!"

_**THE (REAL) END!!!**_

---

**A/N: **Despite the castle quickly falling to earth at the very end of the previous chapter, Mario and co. returned home safely, having thwarted the King of Koopas and his nefarious associates once again. After an awesome 502nd weekly bash at Princess Peach's Castle, a character parade with credits, and an extra little tag scene, it all turned out to be a happy ending once again for Mario Mario and the entire Mushroom Kingdom! So ends another one of Bowser's failed villainous schemes and a Mario adventure of gargantuan proportions!

Well, to be a bit more serious, I understand a few of you may have been offended by some of the subject matter in this parody—Rowf being a stereotypical Canadian, the people of Flower Fields being hippies, Merlee being a lesbian, Milfred clearly being homosexual, whatever. Just remember that this is only a fic and I have absolutely nothing against you. Relax. :)

And that about does it. I suppose it's time we close the book on this Paper Mario parody. Thank you for all your support, everybody! Watt, will you do the honors?

Watt: Oh yeah sure of course I'll do the awesome mega cool super duper sweet honors Mr. Author Guy Sir Ma'am!

Watt: Ahem…Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!

(screen fades to black)


End file.
